Page 20 of Ashfall
“You what!” I try to keep my voice low, but she gives me a nonchalant shrug, not even the least bit bothered that she's outed me.
“Don't be mad, I had Adam freeze the cameras for us and meddle with the lights so we'd get out of here unseen, he wouldn't have had time to stop us, so he just had to comply.” She gives him a sweet smile. “You should be thanking him, or else we'd have gotten caught.” I roll my eyes, my sigh is boundless. I feel like all I do is sigh to get the anger out of me these days.
Adam's firm grip is still on me, twisting me back to face him, his eyes shooting to the blood now soaking my sleeve. “Are you ok? Not your arm, I know the pain of that probably hasn't kicked in yet.” He hasn't asked what I did, just concerned with my headspace. The shame gets the better of me. I lower my head at the defeat. I've done all this and not even succeeded; I've let myself down. But most of all, I've failed my mother. I shouldn't need second chances with my rank.
“I’m fine, I didn't get him. Yet.” The last word feeling foreign on my tongue.
“We'll get him.” I didn’t even realize Phantom was here until I heard his voice. “We all will, we're a team, Nyx. Next time you go on a suicide mission, at least let us join you. We'll always have your back.”
I look at each of them, and my cold ice heart lets through a little bit of warmth, just for this moment, to appreciatemy family.“I’m sorry guys, I had to do this for myself, even if I failed. I couldn't risk any of you talking me out of it.”
Adam takes the chance to cut in. “Which I certainly would have.”
I huff a laugh. “I couldn't have risked losing any of you.”
Phantom speaks up again. “Doesn't matter the cost. We all give our lives for each other out there all the time, this would’ve been no different. Besides, even if caught, they can't take us all down.” He ends it with a wink.
Blitz steps in, completing our group. “Group hug, guys! Come on, just this once - please! We’re human after all.” She drags out the please like a needy child, and I can’t help but laugh. It feels good. The guys finally give in, and we hug it out. Awkwardly and stiffly. We’re hardly the affectionate type, and the whole thing lasts maybe two seconds before we break apart, all of us visibly uncomfortable at the thought of four highly trained special ops indulging in something as basic as a hug. “Did you at least return the favor to whoever did damage to your arm?” Phantom points, and I glance down, realizing it’s the first time I’ve visually acknowledged it - the throbbing makes itself known. “Yeah. The blonde with him, Natalia. Not dead, but she probably wishes I was.”
A smirk pulls at my lips - maybe I was jealous. Not just because she’s got an untainted love with Noc. Maybe I wanted to mark her, to give her flaws. She looked too perfect, untouched, like life hadn’t left her with scars the way it did me. Phantom lets out a dramatic meow, and we all burst into laughter. “Come on,'' Adam waves his hand. “I've only frozen the front area for another ten minutes, and the sun will start rising soon. You two need to get back to your rooms and sort yourself out before someone sees.” We partake in another mini mission to sneak within the shadows, making our way back to our quarters, helping each other out as we avoid the lights and keep a look out for each other. Teamwork.
It’s been eight days,and I think we're in the clear from my little moment of madness. No one has said a word to us. Graveshas been in and out, Hawk seems back to his regular self again. The wound on my arm is healing up - thankfully it was only a graze - and I’ve kept it covered with a bandage and sleeves. I’m finally getting to enjoy a lie-in this morning for the first time since God knows when. The weight of everything inside me feeling a fraction lighter, I shared what I could with the rest of the guys, minus the commander and executive officer. They never passed judgement, never said a word as I let the story spill in full, the words easier as I went on. They just listened. Blitz’s words still echo in my mind:“You’re allowed to have vulnerabilities, and us out of anyone should know them. We need to know when you need to be carried, and not just through a battlefield.”
I check my phone to see it’s 0730, tucking myself back in for another thirty minutes since my body is granting me luxury. There's a knock at my door, and I pretend I’m sleeping.This is why I don't speak these things out loud. As soon as I do,poof, they're gone. The door bangsagain, much louder than the first. Good mood ruined and returning to my normal, full crank mode as they aren’t taking the hint. “Fuck off, I’m sleeping!” This time I grab my spare pillow and shove it over my head, muffling the world. Although it doesn’t work against the laugh that glides through my room.
“Sleeping people don't talk back to their Executive, Nyx.” I curse internally this time, throwing the bedding off me and looking up at Hawk. He leans against the doorframe, amusement all over his face as he takes in my wild bed head and screwed up eyes. “I’ve seen you look better.”
“I was actually having a decent sleep for one, douchebag.''
Normally someone would gettheir ass whooped for that, but we all have a good relationship with Hawk, he lets us get awaywith it - in principle. He gives us it right back and we all know when we can afford a joke. “Just wanted to check in, see how you're doing. You know you can have downtime if you need it, Nyx. Get your head clear. No one would think anything of it.”
That sends a shockwave through me, and I’m now fully sitting up in bed. “I’m fine Hawk, seriously, I am. I don’t need a psych check, if anything I need to be here. Shit like this fuels me, as you very well know.” He gives me a knowing smile. When my mother died, it hardened me. I focused all my grief into making her proud, betting myself.
When Nocdied, grief hit me differently - it wasn’t just loss, a part of me went with him. I became cold, detached in the field, and people started fearing me more. That only made my dad prouder, in his own darkened way. That was the moment he decided I was ready for special ops. He told me to go for it in his letter, and that’s why Graves picked me during selection. I came from good stock, and I’d proven I could handle loss. At least, back then, he thought it was only my mother. Now, he knows I’ve endured more. Whilst I had a moment of madness, as humans I think we should allow it. It doesn’t mean we’re weak, it means we’re strong enough to show our vulnerabilities and allow ourselves to grow.
“I don’t doubt your abilities, Nyx, I just don’t want you running off in the middle of the night thinking you can take on the world, that’s all.” His words send a chill down my spine. He knows. We obviously weren’t as 'black ops' as we thought we were - which is slightly embarrassing because that is literally our life. I scramble for an excuse, anything that takes me down alone and not anyone else, especially Adam and Phantom, they were merely dragged into this. “Don’t worry, Graves doesn't know. And judging by our recent surveillance, I know you didn't intercept as Nocturne and Volokov are still alive and well.Obviously, your better judgement prevailed for you to come straight back here. Am I on the right track?”
Absolutely not. ''Yes, of course sir. I let my anger get the best of me for a moment, and it was reckless. I came back to base when I realized, I'd do better with my team, doing it the right way.” He seems strangely happy enough with that answer, and amusement licks the edges of his smirk when I finish speaking. Surely, I haven't gotten off that easy? “Good, because Graves has an update. Be in the command room in thirty minutes.”
Five minutes later, I head through to the command room, finding I'm the first of my unit there alongside all of 656 and Hawk. Some chairs have been added to accommodate the new group size, and I head over to Adam’s and my usual spot. I feel an unwelcome prickle on my skin, like eyes roaming over me, casted in judgement. I’m in a surprisingly good mood since I managed to get off the hook from my escape earlier. So I lift my head high, turning towards the source. Rhaine and Hunter chat away - oblivious. But Gunner’s gaze bores into me. I decide I’ll take the first swing as Phantom strolls in. “What do you think Phantom, left, or right?” I ask him, my hand resting under my chin as I turn my head from side to side.
“All sides are good for you, babygirl.” I'm glad he's rolling on this with me, otherwise what I say next wouldn't have hit as hard.
“Great! Well, there you go, Gunner, get your camera ready. Because a picture will last longer.” The amusement drops from my tone and turns to ice.
Blitz comes in with Adam who lets out a low whistle. “Looks like we arrived at the good part.” She nudges him with her elbow, and he spears his way over to sit beside me, hands at the ready to keep me in my place.
“Not following?” Gunner responds with a tone drier than the Sahara desert. “Well, unless you keep looking at me so you cankeep a memoire of my face for your bedside table, stop fucking staring.” He huffs out a laugh, arm gripping the back of his chair as a coy grin appears. “Sorry, just trying to figure out how the famous Nyx was dumb enough to be dickmatised by a guy who's been working with terrorists. Must have been some decent pipe you were getting to overlook it.”
Six seconds. That’s all it took to have that whole room in the air. I wasn't giving a damn if he's a guy, I lunged onto the coffee table between us and threw my full bodyweight towards him as I went to town, like a rocket off the launch pad. I land hard, punching the smirk clean off him. Adam barely had time to react as I lunged, eventually getting to me and yanking me back with Hawk’s help. Rhain and Phantom wrestled to get Gunner away, demanding to know what his problem was.
Once I’m fully detached, Gunner wipes his nose and his laugh is nothing short of mocking. “I knew you were fast, just wanted to see if you'd lost your touch recently.” His wicked grin sets me off again, but Adam and Hawk are prepared this time.
They shove me down in the chair, Hawk throwing me a look. ''Behave.'' When he shifts to Gunner, he doesn’t go as easy on him. “And you… shut the fuck up, Gunner. Your bullshit won't be tolerated here. Another comment like that from you and I'll let her have at you, see if it brings you down a peg or two. You might have gotten away with that in your unit, but when you’re 666, you’re a team. You best remember that.”
I smirk at him and lift my chin and brows, daring at him to try again. 656 mostly drives our surveillance needs, keeping an eye on key parts of Volokov’s groups. But due to the recent developments, Graves has decided to bring them here. We've all worked together before, but Gunner and I have never gotten on. He has a masculinity complex - can’t see women in the field doing well or in this case, better than him. I should have known he’d press my buttons after the debrief. This type of informationto him is like a fly landing on a turd; he can't pass by the opportunity.
Thankfully we're all calm enough once Graves enters. I'd certainly be reprimanded if he saw me launching through the air, lecturing me for not being able to keep my cool. At least Hawk will tone it down if he does find out, and my guys will cover for me. “Afternoon, Ashfall,” he greets the room. He's been looking more disheveled recently, travelling more often these last couple weeks. He's been back and forth between us and 656 putting the intel together, and then the trip back to the US, finally ending up with confirmation that Noc is alive. Obviously, the latter along with him discovering the taunting slogan from the webpage has taken its toll, letting the Commander know he's coming for him. I doubt Graves is going to hold back from the threat, this will be a new goal he needs.
