Page 58 of Casper
She still hadn’t spoken to anyone about the rape. Although I had no idea what she was really going through, I understood that it must be difficult. I couldn’t help but worry about how much worse it would be if she didn’t process her emotions.
There was nothing I could do to help her now. The damage had been done.
When the nurse came to change the bandage covering my healing surgical scar, I stared at the incision, wondering how I kept escaping death. Was it possible that I was so wretched that even death didn’t want me?
“How are you doing today, Casper?” The nurse beamed a bright smile at me as she did every day. “Is there anything you need?”
Like every other day she asked me that, I simply shook my head. There was nothing I needed that she could give me.
“Looks like you’ll be getting out of here soon,” she said, applying new gauze and bandaging on my wound. “You’re healing up nicely. I bet you can’t wait to get home.”
I nodded, staring absently at the floor. Home. A change of surroundings might be nice. Being alone with my thoughts without a constant flurry of activity going on outside the door would be welcome. The hospital really wasn’t a great place to get any rest.
It had been a week since the night everything went down. It would be a few more at least before I felt like myself again. Not that I really knew what that was supposed to feel like.
Every time I tried to sleep, I saw it all over again. Jace on top of Luna while she fought before finally going limp as she disassociated completely. As much as I had hoped things would be different, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t good enoughfor her. She deserved better. She deserved someone who would never let that happen to her.
When the day finally came that I was discharged from the hospital, Dom was there to drive me back to the house. Luna had been spending more time with her mother since the incident. She’d offered to be here, but I told her I was fine getting a ride from Dominik. She needed this time with her mom.
I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have my mother now. I would’ve given almost anything to see her gentle smile again. To have her ruffle my hair.
The doctor sent me home with a prescription for pain meds and instructions on how to care for the wound as it continued to heal. My entire body felt stiff, rife with tension. When Dom led me outside to his car, I finally felt like I could breathe.
“How are you doing, dude? Really.” Dom turned to me when we were in the car. “I know you and Luna went through hell but something feels off. Are you going to be okay?”
His hazel eyes filled with sympathy. Not something I acquainted with Dom. He searched me, seeking what it was that had changed.
I shrugged, making a halfhearted effort to sign. “I wish I knew the answer to that. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Don’t give me that shit. Do you think that I don’t know about the noose under your bed? I found it one day when I was in your room looking for the earbuds you borrowed. I’m worried about you, Casper. We all are. Not just because of your injury. Because there’s always been something else going on with you, and I’m afraid this is making it worse.” Dom’s hands tightened on the wheel. He didn’t put the car in gear. Not yet.
I swallowed hard. So much for that plan. No doubt he’d taken the noose.
“I wasn’t going to use it,” I signed. “I just like to think about it sometimes. I mean, I probably wasn’t going to use it. I don’t know anymore. I’m tired, Dom. Can we go home?”
Dark brows knitting together, Dom frowned. He started the car, his gaze lingering before finally turning his attention to the road. “Promise me that you’ll say something if you start thinking about doing something crazy. You have a lot to live for, Casper.”
Easy for him to say. He hadn’t watched the love of his life be violated while he stood there uselessly, unable to do a damn thing to help. Leaning my head against the passenger window, I did my best to clear my mind. Thinking of nothing. Watching the town fly by as we made our way home.
“Rebel will stop by later,” Dom said as we entered the house.
I nodded, resisting the urge to hold my aching abdomen. I hadn’t done much walking around since it happened. My insides protested the movement.
Everyone took their turn to greet me. Codie threw her arms around me in a hug before apologizing profusely, thinking she’d hurt me. I did my best to grin and bear it. They all cared, and I appreciated that. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything.
Making the trip down to the basement to my bedroom had me gritting my teeth. Dom followed me into my room, helping adjust the pillows behind my head.
“You probably want to get some sleep. Do you need anything?” He lingered near the doorway.
“Water.” My hands barely moved. I didn’t have it in me to communicate.
He nodded, disappearing back upstairs. A few minutes later, he returned with a glass of water, placing it on the nightstand next to me. Dom paused, like he wanted to saysomething else. Deciding against it, he left the room, closing the door behind him.
When sleep eluded me, I lay there, staring at the ceiling instead. Spiraling deeper into the abyss. The deeper I fell, the louder the voices in my head became. Telling me that there was no escaping. They would always be with me. And I would always be a mistake.
Fisting two handfuls of my hair, I pulled until my scalp burned. It did nothing to relieve the pain and pressure of having to live with myself. A glance around my room made it clear there was nothing I could use to make this feeling go away. Dom had taken the noose. My gun was most likely still in the trunk of my car where Luna had stashed it. The guys had brought my car home. Although I lacked the energy to climb the stairs and attempt to smuggle the firearm inside unseen. Also, much too loud. I didn’t even have a damn knife on hand.
My gaze fell upon the bottle of painkillers sitting on the side table next to my water. It didn’t quite have that poetic justice that a violent death brought. However, it would do.
