Page 71 of Not Falling for the Forward
He barks a hollow laugh at the question then meets my eye. “That’s not the problem, Emily.Itrust you with everything.Ihave opened up to you, told you things only me and my therapist know. But you have given me next to nothing back.You’rethe one that’s still closed off. And I get it, I do. You were hurt. But I would happily give youeverything. Butyouchoose to keep yourself locked away andyou’rethe one not willing to give anyone the key. It’syouthat doesn’t trustme. And I don’t know what else I can do to prove to you that I won’t hurt you like he did.”
I open my mouth to protest, but I can’t. Because he’s right. I don’t. I can’t.
“I get it. You have been hurt. But that’s not something you need to worry about anymore. Not with me. You need to decide if you trust me or not. I can’t keep doing this. Fuck I'm falling in—” His voice cuts off and he shakes his head, as if he thinks better of what he was about to say.
He runs a hand through his hair. “I told you from the start that the press are obsessed with me. They will print stories about me on a daily basis. If your head goes to me cheating every time you see my name printed, it’s going to ruin us. Shit. It already has. Wehaveto be a team through this. Not immediately accuse each other of the shit they want to make the world believe. I want you on my team, by my side, for the rest of my life. But I can’t if you don’t trust me.”
He stands and takes a step back. I don’t look at him as he says, “I’ll give you some space to decide what you want. I know that’s how you process. I won’t bother you until you’re ready."
I hear him go upstairs, I assume to gather his things. His footsteps bound back down a few minutes later as he makes his way out of my front door. I don’t stop him as he leaves.
***
Jack
I don’t tell Aimee why I need her to pick me up and she doesn’t ask. She is hot on my heels however, as we return to my apartment. I sink into my couch and am handed a cup of something hot. I sniff the sweet aroma of one of the fruity teas she likes. Not my normal go to but I take a sip anyway, blackcurrant and apples. I grimace at the saccharine flavour and place it on the table in front of me.
I run my hands through my hair. ‘I’m falling in love with you.’ I was about to tell her how I felt. If I’m honest with myself, I’m past falling, I have fallen. I’ve known for a while now. I was going to tell her this morning when I brought her breakfast in bed. We would eat and then make love, like sex but more intimate, I imagine. I’ve never had that with someone before. Not before her anyway. I almost said it before I left but she would just think I was saying it to manipulate her feelings for me. It wasn’t the right time. Turns out it wouldn’t have been the right time even without the argument. Because she doesn’t trust me, she never has. I don’t know if she ever will.
“Wanna talk about it?” I feel the couch dip on my left as Aimee sits. I turn to face her, her eyes already on me, concern forming a tiny crinkle in her brow.
“YourBotoxis wearing off. I can see your facial expressions.” It is supposed to be a teasing remark, but it comes out as flat as I feel.
“I’m booked in next week, thank you. Now, let’s talk about your issues,” she shoots back.
I heave a heavy sigh. “She still doesn’t trust me.”
It’s Aimee’s turn to sigh now, but is more exasperated than mine. “Well duh,” she says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You’ve only been dating a couple of months, and didn’t her ex cheat on her?”
“Yes, but I’m not him.” Aimee looks at me with a ‘yes and’ expression, as if I’m the one being unreasonable.
“I would never do that,” I snap.
“HA!” She folds in on herself as if it’s the funniest thing she has ever heard. “Never do that? Hannah, Ella, Tilly, Kat, Crissy. Do I need to go on?” She counts off the many women I have been with to on her fingers. “Because those are just the ones, I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure if you give me time, I can make an extensive list.”
“I was never exclusive with any of them,” I counter, trying to claw back some of the dignity I no longer have.
“Did they know that at the time?”
Shit. Did they?I shake my head. Of course they did. I’ve always been entirely honest with anyone I have been with. “Regardless of my past. I never felt for them the way I do for Emily.”
“Regardless,” Aimee mimics me. “Why the fuck are you telling me, Jack? Why are youhere, at home, shouting at me, instead of comforting the woman you apparently have ‘feelingsfor’?”
I stop. My mouth open to protest further. I close it with a small pop.
An image of Emily sat at her tiny kitchen table, wrapped in her dressing gown with messy just woke up hair, flashes through my mind. The fear in Emily’s eyes when she saw how many people had tried to contact her. When she had thought I was cheating on her. Was it fear of being cheated on again or the fear of losing me? Guess it’s too late to ask her now.
I rub my hands over my face in frustration and decide to address the other issue, “The press know about us.”
“Honestly, I thought that’s why you left, like she couldn’t handle it or something?”
Ice coats my veins as I realise that I didn’t even ask. I’m such a dick. Is she okay with it? It’s so normal for me that I didn’t even think to ask how she felt about it. I just expected her to know how to cope with it.
“She didn’t tell me.” I say as I look away from my sister, too ashamed to admit that I didn’t bother to ask how she felt about the situation. Being more focused on the fact that she didn’t trust me to think that she might also be freaking out about potentially being in the public eye.
She leans in and puts a comforting hand on my knee. “Remember how you were when they first started talking about you?”
“I was furious because they kept making up lies about me and Jaz. Harry was fine with it because he knew neither of us would do that to him. Shit, I’m just glad they were there with me,” I say.
