Page 109 of This Life and All the Rest
Macon freezes.
His eyes bounce between mine as he tries to piece together what I’m saying. Is he surprised that I know? Is he wondering how I found out? Was heevergoing to tell me?
God, I was hoping it was another one of Claire’s lies.
“Is it true?”
He doesn’t answer, just stares at me.
“Is it true?” I shout. “Did you tell him? Did you ask him to send me early?”
Macon closes his eyes briefly, but he doesn’t deny it.
“It wasn’t like that,” he says. “Lennon, I—"
“No,” I cut him off, “that day, when I was sobbing and calling for you, begging to say goodbye, you were upstairs the whole time.”
I take a step backward.
“I thought I was being punished by my father for my relationship with you, but this whole time, it was your fault. I was sent away because of you? Do you have any idea what you did? What I went through because of you?”
“Lennon, I told you,” Macon chokes out, and I laugh. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I told you. I explained—”
“I was pregnant, Macon.”
The statement is quiet, spoken plainly, but it leaves my mouth like a bullet from a gun, and the color drains from Macon’s face as if he’s been shot.
“What?”
“You sent me away, cut me off for months, and I was pregnant.”
I clamp my eyes shut. I haven’t said those words out loud in years. Not since I confessed to Sam. Not to anyone else since.
I can feel everyone’s attention on me.
Macon. Franco. Probably Claire. Hell, maybe even the neighbors.
For four years, only two other people knew my secret, and I just shouted it for anyone close enough to hear. The realization makes me sway on my feet.
I open my eyes when Macon speaks, the pain in his jagged voice slices right through me, and I can empathize. I’ve felt it before.
“Lennon, do we...Do we have a baby?”
His flame blue eyes burn me alive as I shake my head slowly, and my tears fall faster down my cheeks.
“No,” I whisper. “That decision was taken from me, too.”
The memory plays out in front of me like a movie, bright and loud in technicolor.
The pain shoots through my body all over again. I can hear Sam trying to soothe me on the way to the hospital. Can feel Aunt Becca’s hand squeezing mine. The fear and devastation choke my windpipe. My heart shatters. All I can feel is pain. All I can see is darkness.
It’s okay, Lennon. It’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
I know. I know. I’m here. Just hold on to me, okay? It’s going to be alright.
I’d been going back and forth on what to do about the pregnancy.
