Page 123 of Of Heartbreak and Harmony
I rack my brain for a change of subject when the air in the kitchen changes, feeling heavier and more daunting. I hear the floorboards behind me creak, and I know who it is even before he speaks. I have to work to contain my frown. I didn’t want him to be here. Visits with Mom are hard enough without my brother to act as an antagonist.
“Not dating that cunt lead singer anymore,” Sean says, his deep voice rumbling as if he just woke up. He must be living here again.
I turn my body so I can see him leaning on the doorframe, and I study him without making it obvious. Like Mom, my older brother is also looking worse for wear. His shirtless torso is covered in faded, cheap tattoos that stretch down his arms and hands. I’m certain he got most of the ink while he was in prison, along with the jagged scar on his bicep. Sean and I have always had the same black, curly hair, but he’s shaved his head recently, showing off another set of tattoos on his scalp.I don’t let myself look directly at them, though. I know they’ll only disappoint me.
“Savannah and I haven’t been together for a few years,” I tell my brother, and he snorts a derisive laugh as he heads to the fridge and pulls out a beer. I watch as he cracks open the can and chugs half of it. I attempt to change the subject. “Mom says you have a new job and a nice girlfriend.”
Sean snorts again. “Yeah, a real great job, Tor. Love it. Pays great. How many crates of nacho cheese you reckon I gotta deliver ‘til I’m makin’ what you’re makin’? Maybe I should boost a few more cars? Get there faster.”
I clench my jaw and bite my tongue on the need to defend myself. Sean laughs.
“Still the cunt bitch’s lap dog.” He drinks the second half of the beer, dropping the empty can in the sink before grabbing another from the fridge. “So nice of her to give you permission to come here.”
The resentment radiating from my mother and brother right now is enough to make my body quake and my eyes sting. I fist my hands and I take a few deep breaths through my nose, working to maintain my composure.
“I’m here because I wanted to see Mom. I wanted to see my family.”
Now it’s my mother’s turn to laugh. “We stopped bein’ your family the day you turned on us.”
“I didn’t turn on you.” I flick my eyes from my mom to Sean. “I didn’t abandon you.”
“Sendin’ checks every month isn’t the same as stickin’ with your blood, brother. You chose that cunt bitch’s band over me, and you think our forgiveness can be bought. It can’t.”
“Sean, your own actions are why you were asked to leave Heartless, and you know it. You agreed.”
“I didn’t agree to shit.” He spits the words through gritted teeth, nostrils flaring, and takes three steps toward me with his finger brandished in my face. “Youagreed.You. Because you give little miss Savvy whatever she fuckin’ wants. I should be on that stage with you. Gettin’ the same payout as you. I should be fuckin’ the women you fuck and snortin’ the coke you snort, but you took that away from me.”
I push to standing, but I never take my eyes off him.
“That’s not how it happened, Sean.”
“That’s exactly how it happened. You’re a shit brother. A shit son. A shit person. You only come back here because you feel fuckin’ guilty.”
I stare him down, seconds ticking by as I debate whether or not I want to go down this road again. Do I open my mouth? Defend myself? Repeat the fucking truth for the hundredth time?
Is it even worth it?
Because he’s right about one thing. Idofeel guilty. I send the checks, and I subject myself to these miserable fucking visits because I feel guilty, and there is nothing I can say that will change that, even if what I say is the truth.
I sigh and break eye contact with my brother to look at my mom. I nod at her, and then I lie. “Always a pleasure, Mom. I’ll let myself out.”
The rickety screen door slams behind me, bouncing off the frame once before finally coming to a stop as I stalk back toward the SUV. I half expect Sean to come barreling out after me, but my guess is he’s not willing to get into another fistfight. Especially not if he’s still on parole.
I don’t know why I’m disappointed. I don’t know how I could have expected anything different. My brother’s revisionist history is what feeds his rage, and he’s always had my mom on his side, even when we were kids.
There was a time when I looked up to Sean. He practically raised me after our dad was arrested. He’d protect me from Mom’s drunken episodes when she’d get spittin’ mad and try to take it all out on me. Me, because I look just like my father. Sean was always her favorite. She always thought I was the poisoned one. But even though I got our father’s looks, Sean got his temperament, and by the time the truth was revealed, my mother was too set in her ways to care.
My mom is right. We stopped being family a long time ago. But she’s wrong, too. It was long before Sean was kicked out of the band.
I climb into the passenger seat and do my seat belt without saying a word. I put on my sunglasses and rest my head on the seatback, and mercifully, Damon doesn’t ask me anything. My blood is boiling, and my chest is aching, but with every mile closer we get to Miami, the more I relax. One mile closer to my band. To myrealfamily. And to my Firebird.
One mile closer to the only things that matter.
The suite I’m sharing with Jonah is quiet when I finally get to the hotel, and I head straight for his room.
When I walk through the door, I’m expecting to see him sleeping, but instead I find him on the bed with a thick book in his hands. He arches a brow when he sees me.
“What if I was fucking someone?”
