Page 66 of Of Heartbreak and Harmony
Nothing ever changes. I harbor a lot of resentment regarding Sean. Resentment and guilt. It’s something I’ve spent many Therapy Thursdays unpacking. But no matter how many sessions we’ve devoted to my older brother, I just can’t seem to reach the end of it.
The longer we spend on this bus in silence, the more restless I start to feel. It’s my fucking birthday and I’m wallowing in self-pity. Two years ago, I’d have been celebrating with booze, drugs, and lots of sex. Now, I avoid hard substances to help keep my best friend alive, and the woman I used to fuck is in a monogamous relationship with someone else.
The realization pisses me off almost as much as it depresses me, and that makes me want to be reckless.
“This is fucking pathetic,” I groan, pushing myself to standing. “This is a fucking pathetic way to spend my birthday.”
“Ham asked if you wanted the week off,” Jonah reminds me. “You said no.”
“Shut up, Jo.”
He shrugs. “Take Callie out.”
“No.”
My response is clipped, urgent, and Jonah arches a patronizing eyebrow. Even with his eyes closed, he looked judgmental.
“She’s your girlfriend. You should be seen spending time with her on your birthday.” When I don’t say anything, he turns his head toward me and opens his eyes. I see the flash of challenge in them right before he speaks again. “Fuck her.”
“No.”
“Then let me fuck her.”
Anger flares hot in my stomach and I glare at him. This isn’t the first time since she got here that he’s suggested it. It’s not the first time I’ve shot him down.
“The fuck is with you?” I growl, and he shrugs again.
“Have you seen her?”
He shakes his head and lets the question hang in the air like it needs no further explanation. And really it doesn’t. Because yeah, I have seen her, and that’s the fucking problem. I’ve seen her, and I’ve had my hands on her, and I’ve jerked my dick to the thought of her every night since we danced at the club.
If I fucked her? It’d be game over.
“No, you’re not fucking her, and neither am I,” I say again. “No one is fucking her.”
“Then fuck someone else.”
“For fuck’s sake, Jo. I’m not going to fuck someone else when I’m supposed to be dating Callie?—”
“It’s fake.”
“So? It’s still disrespectful as hell. And if that gets out to the media? The whole story will fall apart.”
“You suck at celibacy.”
I huff a laugh. “No,yousuck at celibacy. I’m just a good fucking friend.”
Jonah’s lips curl the slightest bit. The kind of smile that puts my senses on high alert. The kind of smile that has me reaching for my phone to double-check that the hotel staff will have removed all hard liquor from the minibar in our suite before we check in.
“You’re right,” he says cryptically. “I do suck at celibacy.”
“Happy birthday!”
Sav and Mabel shout as I walk back into my suite from the hotel gym. I’m drenched in sweat from my attempt at running off the pent-up sexual frustration coursing through my veins. One look at Callie, and I confirm my attempt was unsuccessful.
There’s a cake sitting on the table with candles blazing, and everyone—including Red and Ziggy—are wearing cheap birthday hats.
“My birthday was yesterday,” I point out, but they all ignore me.
