Page 139 of For Wrath and Redemption
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I’m not looking forward to telling him, but I know it’s something I have to do, even if just the idea of it makes my stomach churn. How will I convince him that I didn’t do this on purpose? I don’t want his money. This isn’t some nefarious plan to trap him or whatever other bullshit his father has him believing.
God, this is such a mess, but I almost want to laugh. He did say he’d want to know.
You want to get knocked up and take me for all I’m worth? I don’t care. I just want to know.
Well, I’d definitely let him know if he’d just return a fucking text.
Asshole.
“You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal, but...” She drops her voice lower. “Are you going to keep it?”
“Honestly?” I chew on my lip and fidget with my fingers, then I shrug. “I don’t know yet. I just...I don’t know that I trust myself as a mom. It’s never been something I wanted. And Jonah...he’s so...”
I drop my head in my hands, visions of that last day in the hotel swarming my mind. I’d left within the hour. He didn’t want me there anymore, and it wouldn’t be good for him if I tried to stay. I had so much hope after talking to Macon, but hope’s never gotten me anywhere but hopeless.
“He’s so volatile, Mabel. I can’t expect anything from him. And as much as I want to, as much as I’vetriedto, I don’t even know if I can trust him. I’ve been trying to convince myself that this wasn’t a mistake...but what if it was?”
Fuck, what if it was?
She nods. “I get that. I do. I think you’d be a great mom, though.”
“Sure.” I snort a laugh. “No offense, but you haven’t known me that long.”
“True, but I watched what you did for Jonah play out in real time, Claire. I know for a fact it wasn’t easy. There’s something to be said for that.”
“I mean...how much of that was because I was sleeping with him, though?”
Mabel rolls her eyes with a grin.
“Shut up. You single-handedly whipped his ass into shapeandrehabbed his image in the media. When he canceled on the children’s hospital, tabloids actually believed he had food poisoning; when six months ago, they all would have been speculating it was drug-related. That was all you. To accomplish something like that, you have to be determined and compassionate. You have to be a problem-solverandhave empathy.” She shrugs. “I don’t know, babe. I think that means you’d be a pretty kick-ass mom.”
“Thanks,” I whisper. Tears sting my eyes, and I wipe them away quickly with a laugh. “Sorry. I’ve been such a crybaby lately.”
“Hormones are a bitch.”
“Yeah. Anyway, let’s just get through this appointment, okay? For all I know, it’s not even a viable pregnancy.”
I try to stay neutral about it, but it’s hard. I can’t even meet Mabel’seyes. I’ve gone through every possible emotion leading up to this appointment, and the only consistent one has been fear.
I could have miscarried. It could be nonviable. Or I could be really, truly pregnant.
At this moment, sitting half-naked in a sterile, unfamiliar doctor’s office, I honestly don’t know which is more terrifying.
I don’t have a job. I don’t have a family. I don’t even have a partner to help me through this. I’m alone, and even my lowest low points in life don’t compare to this. I was alone when my eating disorder was at its worst, but I was also the only person to worry about. I had no one depending on me. It’s different now. So very different.
I tried to prepare myself for all outcomes. I thought I was ready, but I woke up early this morning and realized that I wasn’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know what I want or what I’ll do. I don’t know anything.
The only certainties in this moment are that I am terrified, and I am so grateful Mabel answered my 2 a.m. text.
A knock on the door has us both turning toward it.
“Come in,” I call, and it opens to reveal a woman I’ve not met. I raise my hand awkwardly and smile. “Hi.”
“Hi, Ms. Davis.” She crosses the room and offers me her hand. “I’m Dr. Giles. It’s nice to meet you.” She turns to Mabel and shakes her hand too. “Are you emotional support today?”
