Page 37 of For Wrath and Redemption
It’s not the whole video—just a clip of the first verse and chorus—but it’s gotten almost a million likes in twenty minutes. With the moody lighting and the black silk bedsheets serving as a backdrop, it feels intimate, just like she said it would. And while you can’t see my face, just my hands playing the guitar, she was right. It feels likeme. Moremethan any music video or album photoshoot has.
I find myself smiling at the phone, but then I read the caption.
Can the child within my heart rise above?
My smile fades, my brow furrows, and I frown.
Exposed. I feel exposed.
And for the rest of the night, even after swallowing down my nightly cocktail of smuggled pills, I can think about one thing.Onlyone thing.
Trouble.
12
CLAIRE
I flipthrough the photos on my phone and favorite the ones I think I can use.
They’re all close-ups of Jonah on stage from the last two nights. From the wings. From the pit. I was everywhere. I got him from every angle. I even took a few of the crowd from backstage. I’m going to take some more tonight, and then I’ll post aThank you, Stockholmcarousel when we leave for Lisbon. The fans will like that. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.
The video of Jonah playing “Landslide” got over four million likes in just under twenty-four hours.The Starcalled it “the video that broke the internet.” I hateThe Star, but I was surprised to see that their post wasalmostpositive. They did question whether he posted it while high, or if it was recorded after a drug-fueled orgy, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. I can’t expect Jonah Hendrix’s new glowing reputation to be either.
I go back to the video in my phone of Jonah playing and watch it again without sound. I’ve done this no less than twenty times since I filmed it. I don’t have to turn the volume on. I hear the music just fine in my head.
My eyes start to sting before I’m halfway through the video, so I click out of it and shoot a quick glance toward Sav and Mabel. They’re both engaged in their own things—Mabel is texting someone, and Sav is messing with an acoustic guitar and scribbling in a notebook—so they thankfully didn’t notice my almost-tears.
Since I don’t feel like having to avoid Jonah’s dick again, I’m sitting through the opener in their dressing room. I’ll be here after, too. I’m not worried about him taking off. I brought José back as full-time security, and he’s promised to call me immediately if Jonah tries anything stupid.
So far today, I’ve had very little interaction with Jonah. It’s his rest day with Thor, and he had therapy and his STI test this afternoon. I’m sure he needed a break from me, because I certainly needed one from him.
God, I hope we wrap this up soon. If I have to be here for the whole tour...
He’s so confusing. One minute, he’s cooperative, and the next, he’s hurling insults. Insults thatreallyhurt. Expertly crafted and dealt with lethal precision. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what he said to me the other night. The way he cut me down so effortlessly. Without any remorse or restraint. He wanted to hurt me, and he did. He magnified every insecurity. Pushed his fingers into every gaping, unhealable wound.
I’ve even dreamed about his comments. Ironically, the ones he got wrong are the ones that have haunted me the most.
I bet you’re the success story of your shitty little town.
Bet your family just loves to show you off during the holidays.
I hate that I’ve given yet another man this kind of control over my emotions. I hate that it’s sent me into yet another downward spiral. My stomach churns. Familiar hunger pains swirl with anxious energy in a way that makes me dizzy. I dig through my purse for some sugar-free mints and pop them in my mouth.
Then, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I close out of my photos and sign into my social media account. I don’t even scroll through my feed. I just go straight for my ex-best-friend’s profile.
The first picture is of my brother with my nephew in his arms, and my heart sinks. Macon looks so happy. So healthy. Sohealed. And the way he’s looking at his son...Like he’s the most precious gift. Photos like this always make me want to smile and cry. Smile because I never thought my brother would get here, and cry because I’m not part of it.
My finger hovers over the photo, and I consider liking it, but just like all the other times, I chicken out. I’m lucky I’m not blocked as it is. I don’t want to push my luck.
The next photo is of my nephew with his face covered in something green. Some sort of vegetable. From his expression, he doesn’t approve, and the caption confirms it.
Peas. 0/10. Do not recommend.
I laugh quietly and wipe my eyes.
“Oh, he’s cute.”
I jump and look up to find Sav behind me. She’s standing in front of the mini fridge with a mineral water in her hand, but she’s looking over my shoulder at the photo. She can probably tell that I’ve been crying because her smile drops.
