Page 71 of The Temptation of Truth
There is always something more important, or more urgent, or more exciting than you.
I swallow roughly, then lick my lips. They taste salty from my tears.
“I want to break up.”
I say it clearly and calmly, resolute in my decision. I’m expecting Kat to agree, but when she snaps back, I actually flinch.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? This is for my career, Mabel! It’s not even a real relationship. It’s for my career and you’re making it about you.”
I’m at fault again. Always me.
I shake my head. “It’s not just about Kaz, Kat. It’s not just about the fake relationship or the kiss.”
“So what the fuck is it about?”
I shrug. “I don’t want to be a secret anymore. I don’t want to have to constantly hide my relationship from everyone.”
Kat scoffs. “So now you’re punishing me? You’re breaking up with me because I’m not ready to let the world know I’m dating you? Because I’m not ready to sacrifice my career?”
“No,” I say with a sigh. “I’m not punishing you. I’m standing up for myself. You’re not ready, and I respect that. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But I don’t want to do this anymore. Ican’tdo this anymore, and I’m asking you for the same respect.”
“This is bullshit, Mabel. You’re overreacting.”
My laugh is little more than a gurgle, and I squeeze my eyes shut against another wave of tears. I’m going to have to wear sunglasses on stage because I don’t have time to redo my makeup.
“Kat, I’ve spent the last three years on your back burner. Being your second choice, your dirty secret, always hiding in the darkness while watching you parade around in the light with someone else, and I’m so fucking tired of hurting. I deserve better. I deserve dates and public outings and shared friendships. I deserve a partner who isproudto be with me, not ashamed. I deserve forever, Kat. An open, honest forever. Not one shrouded in secrets and lies. I deserve that, and so do you.”
“I can give you that. I can! We can have it together. It’s just not?—”
“The right time. I know.”
“Sweetie, you just have to be patient with me. Please. I thought you loved me?”
Her last sentence pounds against the inside of my skull as noise from the venue grows louder. Caveat’s set is over. I have to go be a carefree rock star now. I kick off the wall and stand straight, swiping under my eyes once more. My fingers come back black with my destroyed eyeliner.
“I can’t keep waiting for the right time when we both know it will never come,” I say calmly. “I did love you. Part of me probably always will, but I have to love myself, too, and loving myself means recognizing that I deserve more than you can give me.” I take one last deep inhale and blow it out slowly through my nose. “I’m breaking up with you, Kat. I wish you all the best, okay?”
Kat laughs, mocking and cruel. “Whatever, Mabel. I’ll talk to you in a week when you come to your senses.”
Then she hangs up.
I stand unblinking, with my mouth half open, staring at the wall across from me. She hung up on me after dismissing everything I’d said. No apology. NoI love you. No recognition of the truth in my words or the devastation in my tone. Nothing except accusations and excuses.
You’re making this about you, she’d said.
And therein lies the problem. For once, I centered myself. I put my feelings first, and Kat couldn’t handle it. That’s not love. Maybe it never was.
I turn to walk back to the dressing room and stop short when I find Sav leaning on the wall, mascara tear tracks drying on her own cheeks. I give her a sad smile and a shrug.
“It’s over. I don’t want to talk about it.”
She closes the distance between us in three strides, and then she’s wrapping me up in her arms and I’m collapsing against her. Sobs shake my body, and she pulls me in tighter.
“I love you,” she whispers into my hair. “I love you so fucking much, Mabes. Anyone with any ounce of sense would be proud to call you theirs. Kat’s a dumb cunt.”
I snort a laugh and rest my forehead on Sav’s shoulder. “She’s not a cunt. She’s just?—”
“She’s a cunt, Mabes, and you deserve better.”
