Page 18 of Lessons in Falling
It was a cloudless night.Thousands—millionsof stars against a black backdrop waving back at me when I looked up.Only that the sky wasn’t really dark, instead illuminated by whatever was out there, never to be discovered.It felt life-altering, in a way, to see the vastness of the universe with your naked eyes.
I didn’t remember the last time I’d left the city.The last time I’d actively looked at the sky—with the intention of stargazing—was with Alison.And she’d died seven years ago.
There’s so many of them,I muttered, only to keep my mind from going there.Light pollution really is a bitch.
There was a laugh beside me, singular and too low for the satisfaction that was beginning to curl in the pit of my stomach.
I guess what Valentina had given up earlier was her plan of ignoring me, because she asked,How good are you with your constellations?
I’m not.
Another laugh.Another bloom of pride in my chest.
She pointed a finger at the vast sky, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I had no idea what the hell she was pointing at.Until she said, hesitantly,Those are the dippers.
And the exact memory I’d been trying to suppress punched me in the gut.Hard.
Those are the dippers.Alison’s head rested on Caden’s shoulder, and he felt it was kind of ironic, since his sister’s life rested on them, too.Sleepily, the girl pointed at the sky above them.The small one’s down there.The big one’s up there.Do you see the thing that could kind of form a kite, as well?That’s the big dipper.
But Caden wasn’t looking up.He had trouble even keeping his eyes from closing after he’d opened the store at six in the morning.He’d managed to squeeze two and a half shifts in today, and when he’d told his Mom he still wanted to go and see Alison after he got home, she declared him a lunatic.
She’d still driven him there.No license—all that money wasted on lessons and a second car was going toward Alison, and he wouldn’t want it any other way.Then, a few more of those opening shifts (a few more hundred of them) and she might even get to come home again.
Yes,Caden drawled.The dippers.Beautiful.His head rested on top of Alison’s.It wasn’t his decision.Really.Unfortunately, he could feel her shifting, then her head flew off his shoulder, and she pointed an accusatory finger.
Caden!The laugh bubbled out of her, care-free and happy.Somehow, Alison was still the happiest ten-year-old in the world.You’re not even looking!
He shook his head vehemently, but couldn’t suppress a smile.No, no.I was.His head finally fell back, and he pointed at a random set of stars.See, there they are,he said, and tried to sound as convinced about it as she’d want him to.Which meant he didn’t sound convincing at all—only to hear his sister laugh again.
You’re a liar.A giggle followed the words, then intensified when Caden gasped dramatically.
Alison Callahan!he said.How dare you accuse me of something so cruel.
In return, she gave him a look.Her brows drew up, and her smile deepened, and for a brief moment, Caden was reminded of how much he would do for his sister—how much he’d already done and how much more he would, if it meant he didn’t have to lose her.If it meant he could make her laugh like this forever.
Alright, alright.His hands drew up in surrender.Show me the dippers.
And so, on a partially cloudy night, as they sat on a park bench outside the Children’s Cancer Center, Caden Callahan looked up at the night sky with his little sister, one last time.
I blinked so rapidly, for a moment it was so dark, I thought the sky had just been… turned off.Taking a deep breath— and then a couple more—I buried that memory back where it came from, and turned my head hearing Valentina’s voice.
You see them?she asked, and I nodded despite the fact that she was still looking up, not at me.For the first time, her aversion of eye contact was appreciated.At least until I got my shit together.
Mhm,I hummed.
From the way my body had been reacting to her, I thought my heart might skip a beat or my breath would catch, when she finally turned toward me again.But a sense of calm swept through me instead, gently and barely noticeable.
You’re looking at me again,she noted, less taken aback by it.Almost like she’d been expecting it.
I am.
I couldn’t make my eyes follow hers when she looked backup, so I watched her point at another constellation, and the view was just as good.
That’s Orion over there.Leo here.
And to stop her from forcing me to find them, too, I asked, a little impressed,When did you learn all this?
Valentina huffed, and her gaze connected with mine again, assessing the sincerity of my question.Another five seconds of her eyes on me, and I couldn’t be held accountable for what I might say after.
