Page 27 of Lessons in Falling
Pathetic.But when wasn’t I, when it came to that girl?
Are you feeling alright?Alfie asked against the sound of the waves, which meant he was basically yelling at Valentina.That’s still your first glass of wine.We’re on our second bottle.Each, by the way.
Valentina laughed.The sound probably didn’t travel all the way to Alfie on the other side of the fire, but I heard it loudand clear.I was sitting right next to her, after all, and I wasn’t quite sure how that had happened; Annika had scooted over when I’d joined last, I think.
That’s not how it works,she snickered, then took a sip as if to emphasize that she was, in fact, not sick.How relieving.If I was feeling bad, I wouldn’t drink at all.
He shrugged, and Iris—whose head had been resting on his shoulder, and who’d been suspiciously quiet for at least fifteen minutes now—complained with a very loud groan.She muttered something to Alfie, then presumably repeated it out loud.Bed,she groaned.Dragged it out, like a zombie who’d acquired a taste for naps, not human flesh.Beeeeeed.
I think,Alfie began with a laugh.He got up and dragged Iris off the sand with him.I should put this one to bed.And I think I’m so drunk, once I’m up there, I will not find my way back down.
They gave their goodnights—Alfie a little more coherently than Iris, but honestly not by much—and staggered back up to the house.
Its lights shone in the distance, an orange hue against the dark backdrop of the night.The sky was as beautiful as it had been the last time I joined Valentina outside.I’d looked up five times so far.
When Annika and Mike got up five minutes later, I wasn’t surprised.They’d checked out of the group setting an hour ago, giggling and whispering and kissing like they were teenagers, and the only ones here.
Mike as captain meant that so much as thinking about having alcohol was a federal offense; so I fiddled with my water bottle, dragging it across the sand.Usually, this would bewhere I’d excuse myself as well.For a week now, I’d done all I could not to be alone with Valentina, simply because I didn’t trust myself around her.She’d set clear boundaries, and the last thing I’d wanted was to accidentally break those.
This morning, though, she’d broken them herself.She’d kissed me.She’d shown me that she’d wanted more.Right there, on that cliff.Then again, in the car.I couldn’t figure her out, but I’d be damned if I robbed myself of another opportunity to try.So, I stayed put.For ten minutes, the only sounds were the waves breaching against the beach, and the fire crackling in front of us, slowly dying out.
Valentina cleared her throat.Can you spot the dippers now?she asked quietly from beside me.Like conversing with me was bad, but the uncomfortable silence somehow worse.
I looked up again.Yeah.And then, maybe because her conversation-starter felt like an olive branch of some kind, I surprised myself when I said,My sister showed them to me once.
Valentina huffed beside me.Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her looking at the sky as well, arms wrapped around her drawn up legs.I’ve tried to show mine.So far, she’s told me to piss off seven times, and threatened to tell Mom about the time I snuck out twice.Not that she’d care.
I didn’t know she had a sister.Then again, I hadn’t known much beside her name a week ago.How old is she?
Eighteen next week.She sighed.That formative time where they blame you for everything that’s ever happened to them—or hasn’t happened to them.Been there yet?
The question felt like a blow to the gut.She couldn’t haveknown how sore a subject this was, couldn’t possibly begin to understand the gravity of her words, so I didn’t blame her.
I took a deep breath.She’d be around the same age,I pondered.I guess I’d know how you feel, if she hadn’t died seven years ago.
Beside me, Valentina froze.The finger that had been drawing stars into the sand stilled.
Fuck,she began.I knew what would come next.Caden, I’m so sorry—
A single shake of my head cut her off, that’s how aware of my reaction she was.Don’t be.You didn’t kill her, did you?I tried to laugh, and usually I managed to bury my grief below a layer of sarcasm.This time, though, it fell flat.Maybe because the way Valentina looked at me was scarily disarming, like she could’ve seen straight through it, anyway.
Seriously.I’m sorry, I didn’t know.Her brows drew together in concern, and her eyes seemed to get bigger, somehow.Were those the puppy eyes Iris had been talking about?I would’ve never—
Valentina.Our eyes met, and her mouth shut.It’s fine, really.You didn’t know.But guilt was still written all over her face—in her frown, the knitted brows, those God damn eyes looking up at me.I kept talking, simply with the hopesomethingI’d say would ease her guilty conscience.
She’s still with me.I tapped the spot above my heart, and the beginning of a smile—although sad and pitiful—lifted the corners of her lips.Every time I look up at the sky.Or kick a ball—and I do that a lot.
This time, I managed to deliver the humor in my tone better.She huffed, and something in the air shifted.Like shewas just as glad to leave the ugly topic behind.Eager to move further away from the death-portion of the conversation, she asked,Did she play?
I shook my head.No, but she loved watching me play.Her first word wasCaden, her secondball.I don’t know if I’d still be playing if it wasn’t for her.
But Ali had wanted me to go pro so badly, not pursuing it had felt like a betrayal in and of itself.So I’d applied for a soccer scholarship at HBU when I could’ve probably covered most of the tuition with all the money I’d earned and saved, working multiple jobs to be able to afford her cancer treatment.
That first year, winning the NCAA championship had been more important to me than passing my courses, and we hadn’t even won.There was a reason I’d signed up for a graduate degree—and it wasn’t because my bachelor in Computer Engineering wouldn’t leave me with enough options.The opposite, really.Most of the people I’d studied with had above-average paying entry jobs lined up for September.I’d been through a few rounds of interviews myself, just to see.
I was going back to HBU to play soccer, though.The way Alison would have wanted.I’d known that from the very beginning.
Valentina nodded in understanding.She’d be proud of you, then,she thought out loud, and the words did something to me.I mean, her big brother: almost captain of the current NCAA champion.That’s something, right?
