Page 39 of Lessons in Falling
Maybe that was why, the second I was alone with Caden, despite my guilty conscience, his lips would be on mine again.Sometimes for a peck, sometimes for five minutes that left us sexually frustrated and panting against each other.Depending on how much time we’d had.
You can’t live the one life you have always pleasing the people around you.Say no, sometimes.Then say yes other times.
I’d thought about his words a lot in the past week.Although they’d been a little hypocritical, twenty minutes after he’d told me every major life decision he’d made recently had been forhis sister, not himself.Anyone with a sibling could understand, though.It’s why, despite the fact I’d never get my family to love and appreciate me the way I wanted them to, I’d just dialed my own sister’s number regardless.
One thing she loved more than ignoring me was attention.So while she didn’t usually pick up my calls (asking about school, wondering what she’d had for breakfast or lunch or dinner, wishing her luck on an exam she’d mentioned months prior), on her birthday, she did.Crossing the kitchen to go outside—and trying my best to ignore Caden cutting up fruit on the island—the line beeped for a total of three times before it crackled and I heard her voice.Thank you,she said by way of greeting.
No words have come out of my mouth yet,I reminded her quickly, before adding, sincerely,Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Thank you,she repeated, and I could hear some giggling in the background, music coming from another room.
Where are you celebrating?Because it sure as shit wouldn’t be at home.Has Mom said anything?
Lisa snorted, like I should’ve known better than to ask in the first place.She said,You look nice today.And her voice rose an octave when she imitated Mom.Which, I guess, is an improvement over last year, when she asked if I could drive her to work, then wanted to ground me when I said I was busy.
I cringed at the memory.Sorry.For reminding her, maybe.Or the fact that I’d left her for college in the first place.For never managing to fix Mom’s… problem, and letting my little sister deal with it on her own.Honestly, there were a lot of things worth apologizing for in our past.
She huffed, and I knew the sound was paired with an eye roll.I’d gotten so many of them in my lifetime, I knew all the tells.I’m at Stacy’s.Having some people over,she added, circling back to my earlier question, and further away from the uncomfortable topic of Mom.
It’s how our conversations always felt: flat.Awkward.Trying to navigate through topics that wouldn’t make us remember how fucked up our entire upbringing had been.Turned out, there weren’t many left.
That’s nice.I nodded, although she couldn’t see.Tell her I said hi.I knew she wouldn’t, even when she hummed in agreement.Pressing my phone between shoulder and ear, I slid the door to the yard open.Have you heard from any colleges yet?
Closing it behind me, I couldn’t help but sneak a single glance at the guy in the kitchen, dumping his fruit into the blender.I closed the door quickly.
This time, she outright groaned into the phone.Nope, Valentina.I’m not having this conversation with you.It’s my birthday!Just for one day, can’t you just drop the act of—She cut herself off with another loud sigh.She must’ve gone back into the room, because the music was louder and I could hear some chatter.Whatever.I have to go.Thanks for calling.
Lisa hung up before I could’ve said so much as,enjoy your day.I mirrored her groan when I fell onto the lounge chair outside, trying to keep my spiraling thoughts from falling down the rabbit hole of She Hates You.
That’s what happened when you tried to desperately get someone to love you; the exact opposite.Another reminder of why I’d vowed to stop trying.And another reminder of whythings with Caden had been so easy.I wasn’t fighting for his constant approval, and I couldn’t remember the last time that had been the case.
Outside, Alfie and Anni were alternating between playing mermaids and ungracefully jumping into the water—whoever managed to get a louder complaint from Iris, tanning on an inflatable air mattress in the pool, won.
Despite the commotion around her, Iris lifted her head to send me a look.You alright?She adjusted her cap to actually see me, and her eyes narrowed.
My head fell back onto the chair.Lisa,I explained curtly.Mom forgot about her birthday.
She didn’t ask her to chauffeur her around again, did she?!The outrage in her voice tipped the corners of my lips up despite the situation.Wait, let me get some water, then we’ll dissect—
Iris wobbled on her inflatable, tried to paddle to the edge of the pool before I could even tell her,I’ll get it for you.Don’t worry!
At the moment, I’d jump at any opportunity to be good to her—to make up for the fact I was playing the role of worst best friend there ever was a little too well.I’d gladly listen every time she complained about Jason, then throw in some insults myself.I’d probably kill the guy if I had to.If only to make her happy.
She’d been handling the whole thing better than last time— probably because Oakport meant distraction, and how much could you really drown in despair and sorrows when you had your friends around every waking hour?I was still worried, though.One wrong thing—say, finding out your best friendhad been lying to you for weeks or that said best friend hooked up with a guy she wasn’t supposed to hook up with—and she might slip into that state of despair, regardless.
I couldn’t risk it.
Getting her a bottle of water seemed like the least I could do to compensate.I was halfway to the door before she could’ve complained.
So it was my guilty conscience that propelled me into the kitchen.Not Caden, who was alone in there.Not the fact it’d been a few hours since I’d last felt his lips on mine, or that after that disaster of a phone call, what I needed most was distraction.
Definitely not.
He stood by the blender, one hand on top of it, the other scrolling through his phone.Banana peels, a half-empty strawberry package, and a tub of protein powder were scattered on the island in front of him.He’d been immersed in his phone, he couldn’t have heard me come in over the noise, and still, like he was attuned to my presence, he looked up.Looked around.Then looked back at me, the corners of his lips twisting upward.
My eyes rolled, but only to distract from that feeling plummeting to the pit of my stomach.That’s all it took—him, looking at me like that.I stalked in his direction.The fridge was behind him, after all.
Need something?he asked, hand falling from the blender as he turned with me.By the time I’d crossed the living room, he was leaning against the island behind him.
