Page 48 of Lessons in Falling
It was the first time in days he’d been alone with his sister, and perhaps that played into it as well.That Alison knew as well as he did… his parents might not survive being there when she passed.That she’d held on long enough for it to be just the two of them.Because he was her big brother.The one who hadn’t shed a single tear in front of her.Who’d read her bedtime stories even when she’d been unconscious, and laughed at bad jokes she’d barely managed to get out anymore.
Strong and invincible.For her.
She couldn’t know that the same strong, invincible big brother would fall into their mother’s arms whenever they were out of earshot, sobbing.Wishing he could change things.Feeling useless and empty and a million other things he couldn’t even put into words.
Now, though, noticing her grip around his hand loosening, he felt relieved.That he was there to carry this burden for the rest of his family.That he could be strong for Alison one last time, and let her go.Without a fuss, so she wouldn’t have to feel bad.
Mom’s getting coffee.Dad’s with her,he said, like his sister might need the confirmation.It’s just me.It’s okay.His eyes were burning, his nose was running, but he did nothing about it.
He was being strong for her.One last time.Like he’d promised himself.You can let go.If you want.
And for the very first time, Alison listened to her brother.
Whoever said time healed all wounds must not have had their sibling die.
She was the light of my life, Valentina.I would’ve done anything for her.She wanted to be a doctor, you know?Help children that were going through the same thing she was, andmake them healthy again.Those are big dreams, and she never got to live them.Who would I be—how selfish would it be, if I got the opportunity to live my dream—her dream for me, and didn’t take it?
Above me, I could hear a muted sniffle, some shuffling of blankets.Silence, for a long while.
Fuck.
This was what oversharing felt like, then?Knowing you’d said way too much, way too fast, to someone who probably didn’t care all that much, leaving them speechless and trying to find the right words.
I’m so sorry, Caden.Is there anything I can do to help?What do you need?
My sister back, would be a start.
I expected the same standard reply from Valentina, and I would’ve understood.But she surprised me.
Don’t you think—she hesitated, and I understood that, too.Don’t you think if she’d had the opportunity, she’d have wanted to live a happy life, above all else?Don’t you think if she had to choose between success or happiness for you, she’d choose the latter?
Always.
It just seems wrong,I sighed, despite her valid point.
She echoed the sound.I know,she said, gently.It sucks thinking that every choice you’d make for yourself would disappoint someone else.
Silence, and I was glad she decided to fill it a few seconds later.That’s why I don’t.That’s why I never complained when I had to pack my own lunches, cook dinner, do the dishes, work to keep the lights on.I thought, if I just keep going, my family is going to be so grateful.If I study something really hard—like physics—theyhadto be proud.If I graduated with honors, theyhadto acknowledge it.Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this about myself,she added.
But I was quite glad to get the attention off my dead sister, to be honest.I assume they didn’t?
My sister saidcongrats, by the way.Mom was probably too high to notice.Sorry,she said again.That’s awkward.I didn’t mean to overshare.I love my mom, she’s just—sorry.
I snickered.I just trauma-dumped my sister’s death on you.I don’t think you can beat my oversharing.Don’t worry.
I just mean—she continued, hesitating again.A wise man once told me,You can’t live the one life you have always pleasing others.
To my surprise, I could feel the corners of my lips twitching, threatening to lift.A wise man?I teased.
A semi-wise man.A sometimes wise, sometimes very dumb man,she corrected.
A sometimes wise, sometimes very dumb man, who, perhaps, needed to start listening to his own advice.
CHAPTER 24
VALENTINA
I couldn’t sleep.I didn’t know if it was Caden’s sister or that I had let my mother’s substance-abuse problem slip or perhaps the heat, but it was a fact.I twisted and turned, threw the covers off, then pulled them back up.And I felt awful, because I wasn’t the only one in the room.
