Page 49 of Lessons in Falling
I tried to remind myself I wasn’t supposed to care about what Caden thought—if he could sleep or not, if the noise I was making kept him up—but there was no point pretending anymore.It was exhausting, frankly, to convince myself I didn’t like the guy.Somewhat, at least.
After a thousand shared kisses, and four weeks in close proximity, who wouldn’t?
Something about this was different, though, and made him special.He was still talking and laughing with me, kissing and touching me, even when I’d shown him my worst side.When I’d been cranky, and sassy, and mean, and I hadn’t tried to impress him at all—Caden still seemed… impressed.At the very least interested.
We should get back.Before I can’t guarantee ever letting you go again.
I’d said no to him more times than I’d said yes, and he was still here.I’d frowned at him more times than I’d smiled, and he was still here.Caden was still here, when I hadn’t tried my hardest to get him to stay.When I’d pushed him away, over and over again.
I threw the blanket off me again, groaning into the crook of my arm.Caden?I whispered into the darkness around us.The only light was coming through the crack in the curtains beside the bed.Are you awake?
For the first time in thirty minutes, the blanket below me rustled, like he’d been waiting to get an opportunity to move.Of course.
It surprised me a little bit, how quick it came, how naturally.Of course?I wondered.Is it that obvious?
He huffed in amusement, and I wish I could’ve seen how his lips twitched when he was trying his best to keep them at bay.It usually takes you a while to fall asleep, so I wait until you do.Make sure you’re fine—that you won’t need anything.I sleep better that way, too.
I froze in my bed.Breathing shallow, eyes on the ceiling.Caden—I warned, but there was nothing threatening in my tone.It was a beg, a plea, maybe.That he needed to stop being this nice, and this considerate, and this… lovely.Plain and simple.
Valentina,he smiled in answer.I could hear it in his tone.
Still, I wanted to cling onto reason.I hadn’t eventriedto make him like me, so how could he?That’s impossible.Youfall asleep almost instantaneously.There’s never a sound coming from your bunk.
Caden snickered.Because I try my bestnotto make a sound.Because I don’t want to accidentally wake you—or, well, keep you from falling asleep.
I was about to melt.Not from the heat—which was climbing into my cheeks more furiously than the temperatures in this room could make it—but his words.I was about to break, crack in two, and leave the part behind that told me I couldn’t have him.But I shouldn’t do that…
I shouldn’t.I shouldn’t.I shouldn’t.
The room was spinning, and I was sweating, and everything was a little too much—for the fact that it was midnight, and that I’d been unable to fall asleep, despite how tired I’d been.I short-circuited.I didn’t mean to ask,Come down to the beach with me?
At least it would be cooler there, I thought.At least there’d be a breeze, and the sound of waves gently rolling against the sand that would fill the silence between us.I thought it would be a good idea, and he must’ve, too, because he agreed.He didn’t even hesitate.
Without thinking, I’d grabbed my blanket to sit on, and he’d grabbed his, and it reminded me a little bit of that night I’d tried to run away from him, too.When I’d packed my things and slept on one of the lounge chairs outside—and I’d genuinely thought getting rid of Caden Callahan would be that easy.
But he was a very persistent man.That much was clear.And despite all my efforts, he was still here.
It was too hot in there,I said when I could finally feel that breeze, and hear those waves.When we were lying next toeach other on our blankets, at the beach, looking up into the night sky.I could barely breathe.
I honestly wasn’t sure if I could blame the heat for that or if it had been entirely Caden’s fault.But I liked to imagine it was the former.For my own peace of mind.
He nodded beside me, then turned his head.I could see it out of the corner of my eye.And with the way my stomach dropped when his eyes found me, then intently scanned my profile, I shouldn’t have returned his gaze.
But I did, of course.And that feeling in my chest intensified in sync with his smile.
He sighed, but never took his eyes off me.He muttered, still smiling,I’m so fucked.Like he didn’t mind at all.I didn’t have a spare breath to askwhy, but he told me, anyway.I know I’m not supposed to kiss you.I’m not supposed to want to kiss you.You don’t want me, and that’s why I shouldn’t want you, but—
I kissed him.I rolled over, pressed him into the blanket below us, straddled his hips, and kissed his confusion away.The confusionI’dput there.
It was never about—I wanted to explain, but he pressed his mouth to mine again, and kept his hands behind my head to keep me put.I tried again.Never about not wanting you.
Because it never had been.The problem had always been that I wanted him too much for my own good.More than I should, given the No-Fraternization-Rule I’d tried not to think about whenever I looked at him.Given the fact that he was the reason I was lying to my friends, acting carelessly and selfishly for the first time in my life.
No?he asked, teasingly biting my bottom lip.
No.His hand slid from the back of my head, down my neck, shoulder, back, until, without a second thought, it slipped into my panties.I was only wearing those and an oversized shirt, and apparently, that made access a lot easier.He groaned into my mouth when he squeezed my ass, and I instinctively rolled my hips against him.It drew desperate sounds out of both of us.
What was it about, then?he asked, breath heavy, voice guttural and raw against my lips.
