Page 6 of Lessons in Falling
But this—my friends’ smiling faces, their laughs and words ofactualappreciation—almost made me remember why I’d craved the exact thing from Mom and my sister for so long.It also reminded me of why I needed to stop.Why I’d come up with a stupid plan to hopefully help me get there.
I had people who loved me, and thatshouldbe enough to keep me from seeking validation elsewhere.In a perfect world, they’d be enough, and in an even better scenario, appreciatingmyselfwould be all I’d need.Standing up for myself.Doing things for myself.
Unfortunately, I’d never been the selfish type.
Anni kissed my cheek when she joined us, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts by taking Iris’ plate out of my hand to give to her.We can ask whatmyfuture husband will think when I tell him.She snickered in amusement at our synchronized eye rolls.As we carried plates, cutlery, and food to the outside dining area, she explained,Him and Caden should be back any second.Think they went for a run.
I halted.So abruptly, Iris walked straight into me.Thank God she’d only had the bread in her hand, because she balancedthe full basket like a pro (after a shrill, high-pitched gasp at my sudden stop) and sidestepped me to get outside.
I still hadn’t moved an inch.Still stood in front of the sliding doors leading into the backyard.I could feel the light summer breeze, smell the salt in the air—but I could not move.
Who?
It was unnecessary to ask.Everything I’d chalked up to a funny nightmare suddenly felt paralyzingly real.Our entire conversation flooded back to me in one giant wave of regret.
Details I’d struck up as trivial (because they’d only been a dream) suddenly seemed life-changingly important (because they’d not been a dream).The way I’d barged into that room so drunk, I could barely keep upright.Then the way I’d unpacked my underwear like he couldn’t see those lacy things in my hand.
If I remember correctly, you were sound asleep when I was barely out of you.
And my cheeks burned bright red even before he was just suddenlythere.Like it was the most natural thing in the world, Mike and Caden jogged around the corner of the house, through the yard, and slowed when they approached the laid table.
Caden wore a cap, backwards, that he adjusted as he came to a stop.Black shorts, grey shirt I couldn’t see a drop of sweat through, despite the fact they’d clearly been working out.His usual blond buzzcut was hidden, but that only left me focusing on his face more.A face that, unfortunately, was just as handsome as it had been four months ago.Just as carved and defined and unique as it had been last night.
Our eyes met, and the piercing blue of his finally snapped me out of my stupor—if only to get away from his gaze.
Fuck.He’s real.
If possible, my cheeks turned an even darker shade of red as I sat down and continued remembering every single awful thing that had been said last night.That none of it had been a dream, and all of it had actually happened.To distract myself (to try, at least), my eyes flickered across my friends so fast, I felt dizzy again.
None of them seemed surprised by his presence at all, though.
Oh,Iris said when she looked at him, and I thoughtfinally.Finally, someone would sayWhat the fuck?in the same way I had last night.Ask why he was here so that I didn’t have to.
Her gaze jumped back and forth between us, and she pointed her fork first at him, then me.How’s the roommate situation working out for you guys?
All I could do was blink at her.Like a deer in headlights, mouth open.What?
Iris, full fork now on its way to her mouth, looked at me likeIwas the one losing it.You guys are bunking together, no?she asked, too casually for my liking.How.Is.That.Working.Out?Around a full mouth, she annunciated every word loudly and slowly, like I might actually be hard of hearing.
What the fuck is going on?
My eyes flew around the table again, quite manically.Caden, of course, had taken a seat opposite me.Mike and Anni sat next to him on the bench, Iris and Alfie on my side of the table.None of them made it seem like my confusion was justified.
Caden cleared his throat, and I made a point of not looking at him when he broke the silence between us.It would’veprobably gone better,he said, reaching for a piece of bread.If she’d been warned about the roommate beforehand.
Alfie gasped.Anni honest-to-God shrieked.
Iris, as always, said what the rest of them were probably thinking.We forgot!
Oh my God,Anni repeated, over and over again.Oh my God.We didn’t tell you.We forgot to tell you.Oh my God.
It seemed my friends could interpret the look on my face correctly, because they all wanted to explain—and started with a different part of the story, at the same time, making it an unintelligible mess for anyone who wasn’t used to it.
Because you were late—Iris began.
It must’ve been during that power outage at your Mom’s—Anni.
While Alfie thought out loud,You missed that weekly FaceTime call once, could it be—?
