Page 65 of Lessons in Falling
So,Anni said.Let me get this straight.You hooked up with him months ago and never told us.And I knew the tone in her voice was there just to make me feel more guilty.Thenhe shows up here, and youstilldon’t tell us.Side-eye from Iris.Then you hook up.A few times—wait!How many times?
I fiddled with my necklace, gaze skipping through the room to avoid theirs.A few times sounds about right.
In my periphery, Anni shook her head quickly.Alfie was trying not to draw attention to himself and the fact that he’d been complicit since today.Iris hadn’t said a single word.Nuh-uh,the blonde tutted.Specifics.Number of kisses, sex, andotherstuff.
I genuinely couldn’t put a number on the times his lips had been on mine.Hundreds?Thousands?So, I skipped it.Twice,I said.To the sex.
The first time had been last night, on the beach.Then again today, in the shower.I could feel myself blush just at the reminder.
Twice?!I didn’t expect Iris’ voice, and my head shot in her direction all on its own.Our eyes connected, and my stomach twisted: guilt and more guilt.
She’d been sitting on a chair dragged from the dining table to the couch, the wrong way around so her arms could rest on its back.You couldn’t even—oh, whatever.Iris got up so forcefully, the chair wobbled on the carpet.One more glance around the room, before her eyes settled on me; the disappointment in hers was a thousand times worse than Caden’s.A million times worse.
That was my best friend.Someone I’d confided in for four years—someone whose lap I’d slept in, whose hair I’d held back when she thought she could handle her drinks better than Riley Roberts (no one could).Someone who’d spent two weeks in my hometown with me because my sister had onlybeen sixteen, and Mom had disappeared for a week—to where, I still didn’t know.
Iris was everything to me, and she’d just fled the room because of somethingI’ddone.Because I couldn’t get it together and be honest with her.Because I’d been so scared of losing her, any sign of reason had been thrown out the window.
I wanted to follow, but Anni pressed me back into the couch.Gently, she argued,You should give her a minute.Talk to her in a little bit.And she was probably right, so I deflated below her touch.My face disappeared in my hands, accompanied by a loud groan.
You’re not mad at me?I muffled the words into my skin, but she must’ve still heard.
Confused,Anni corrected.Most of all about how Alfie managed to keep a secret for—She checked the time on her phone.Longer than eight hours.
I huffed, actual amusement in the sound despite my dire situation.Alfie, sitting on the floor, complained,Hey!
Anni ignored him, ran a hand through my hair—reassuringly and sweet.She’s not going to hate you.Thinking, she added,At least not forever.
I knocked on the door to Iris’ bedroom ten minutes later.I’d never been very patient, and this wasn’t the situation to start practicing.Though, I did wait until she beckoned me in with a curt,Yes.
Her bed had the same blue sheets, and it stood below a round window overlooking the ocean.Iris always lived out of her suitcase on Oakport, which meant its contents werescattered all across the floor, and you could barely see the wood.
And I assumed she’d known it would be me as effortlessly as I’d known I’d find her like this: lying in between the mess of clothes, looking up at the ceiling, arms sprawled out.Her thinking pose.
I didn’t wait until she looked at me, just started explaining, justifying, apologizing.All in one big jumble of words, messy and incoherent—and yet, I was sure she understood every single word.
Listen, look.Iris.I wanted to tell you—every single day I wanted to tell you, and then I thought of exactly this happening, and I couldn’t.I tried once, and then Jason happened, and I just wanted to be there for you.Not hurt youmore.I don’t want to lose you over some stupid guy I—Don’t even care about,I wanted to say.
But I think it would’ve been a lie, and Iris could probably smell those on me right now.Over some stupid guy,I repeated, and settled on.And I was trying so hard to stay away from him, you’ve got to believe me.I was mean, and unaccommodating.And when he insisted on helping me with my bucket list, I just—
She interrupted.What bucket list?While she hadn’t graced me with a single look, she sat up, elbows behind her, to look at me now.
My—I shook my head, waving her off.It doesn’t matter.That’s not the point.And I’d wanted to steer back to my apology and my explanation, but she wouldn’t let me.
It’s exactly the point!she roared, as loudly and unapologetically as she usually laughed.Valentina.If you honestlythink I’m going to be mad at you for breaking some rule I made up when I was angry and heartbroken four years ago, there’s something wrong with you.There probably was.The problem isn’t that you broke the NFR.It’s not even that you lied to me.And we’re not going to put Jason into that equation, he was just a convenient excuse not to tell me—
I wanted to argue, then realized there was no point.She was right, wasn’t she?I knew she’d been upset about Jason, but at the end of the day, was he that important to her?No.
Iris went on.The problem is that I just found out my best friend likes a guy through some wordy, messy apology-thing.Not because she wanted to tell me about it.Not because she thought I’d want to know.Only because she felt guilty, and thought I was mad at her.You don’t tell me—us—anything.What fucking list, huh?Why do you know everything about our lives, but we know nothing about yours?
I blinked at her.By now, she was standing in front of me.The look of disappointment on her face had morphed into hurt and anger—none of it, I realized, thanks to Caden, but simply becauseIhadn’t told her about him.For good reason, though.Right?
Because no one cares!I hadn’t meant to shout the words.I hadn’t wanted to raise my voice at all.Why on earth would anyone care about some stupid bucket list I made because I was angry at my family?I was fine doing it by myself.
You shouldn’t be,Iris snapped.You shouldn’t be friends with people who don’t care about your stuff, Valentina.We do, though.We care so much, whenever you suggest something, and I know it doesn’t happen often, there’s a loud, collectiveYes!heard across campus, because finally we can do oreat or see something Valentina Rhodes wants.We love you, dude.We want to be a part of your life because we likeyou, not because you say yes to everything we do.
Caden had said the exact same thing, and I didn’t like that one bit.
Something glimmered in Iris’ brown eyes, and I didn’t want it to be tears—so I looked away and convinced myself it wasn’t.Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like we’re even friends, you know?If someone were to ask what your favorite food is or what you like to do in your free time, I’m not sure I’d have an answer.
