Page 66 of Lessons in Falling
And the way she looked at me was devastating.Any anger from earlier had evaporated to make space for the hurt in her tone and features.For the way her voice wobbled, her lower lip trembled, and her brows had drawn together.
I swallowed thickly.I don’t think I’d have one either.
What would you like to eat?I don’t mind.
What do you want to do?I don’t mind.
Where should we go?I don’t mind.
Do you want—?I don’t mind.
By accommodating everyone else around me, I’d forgotten about someone much more important: myself.
By not wanting to be a burden, I’d burdened myself.Denying myself things I didn’t even know I’d wanted to do—all manifested in that small, messy bucket list hidden in my notebook.I didn’t even know why I’d been hiding it.
Iris fell around my neck, squeezing me in a tight hug and with a single sniffle against my shoulder.And I’d never been more relieved in my life.
As an olive branch, I said,After graduation, when Momdidn’t care and Lisa barely acknowledged it, I was so angry, I made this list with things I wanted to do this summer.For myself, you know?Because I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for myself.But I don’t know why I didn’t tell you guys.I’m sorry.
She huffed, bringing some distance between us to look at me.Her eyes were dry again—or at least drier.The smile on her lips was faint and pitying, but at least she wasn’t frowning anymore.It’s just sad,Iris sighed.That you think you have to do anything by yourself.We would’ve loved to be part of whatever you want to do.
Well,I hesitated, only for a second and out of sheer habit.There’s still one thing left.
CHAPTER 31
CADEN
Mike had stormed off, and I couldn’t even tell you in which direction.All I knew was that he didn’t go back inside, so that’s where I headed.
His words still floated around my head.You’re off the team, by the way.I should be panicking.I should call Coach Hepburn before Mike got the chance, explain the situation, and beg to keep my designated spot.I should be on the phone right now, pleading and crying if I had to.
It’s what Alison would’ve wanted, right?Be the best soccer player the world has ever seen.Or at least your school.Those had been her words, and didn’t I have a duty to honor them?
Don’t you think, if she’d have to choose between success or happiness for you, she’d choose the latter?
Valentina—and her words of fucking wisdom—snuck back into my brain, flying around, wreaking havoc and destruction in what had been a neatly aligned code of conduct: If Alison would want me to do it, I’d do it.
And now, kicked off the team, captain spot basically gone,I wasn’t even panicking at the thought of disappointing her.Because maybe she wouldn’t be all that disappointed.Maybe she’d be proud that I’d finally managed to get out, and finally got to do what I wanted.
When I slid the door shut behind me, the house was silent and, apart from the living room lights, dark.I couldn’t hear arguing through the walls, year-long friendships destroyed over some No-Fraternization-Rule that had been broken, and I didn’twantto be relieved.
I wasn’t sure if the silence was worse, though.That not knowing what was going on—where Valentina was, if she was fine—was more unbearable than knowing she’d never look at me again.That once I’d get back to our room, I’d find her having moved into the detached unit above the garage.If I’d just insisted on sleeping there a few weeks ago, maybe none of this would’ve happened.Then again, I wouldn’t have gotten to know her the way I had, either.Wouldn’t have touched her or kissed her or made her laugh.
Our room was actually empty, and a sense of dread formed low in my stomach.But at least her things were still there— pillow and blanket, suitcase and her clothes in the top drawer (I’d just peeked inside, really, to make sure she hadn’t actually left for good).
If she wasn’t here, though, and by the sound of it her friends weren’t either… then where the fuck was she?And why the fuck did I care?Instead of worrying about my future, I was worried aboutheragain.
Of course I would be.
Standing in the middle of our room, I went through the worst-case scenarios, and got stuck on the one: she’d run off,left her friends clueless and confused, and they’d gone after her.It was way past my theoretical Valentina-could-still-walk-around-alone-without-the-risk-of-being-kidnappedor-worse curfew; close to midnight, for sure.And if she was out there by herself, frantically running around or hiding in secluded spaces to avoid having to explain this…thingbetween us to her friends…
I shouldn’t worry, though.She wasn’t my concern anymore, and it wasn’t my responsibility to make sure she was safe.A grown adult could take care of herself.A grown adult who, apparently, had spilled my biggest secret to the one guy she wasn’t supposed to tell.I kept trying to remember that.
Valentina Rhodes sold you out.Valentina Rhodes is the reason you just got kicked off the team.Valentina Rhodes pretended to care and listen, only to run to Mike and tell him everything.
But she was also the only person who’d ever encouraged doing whatIwanted, instead of blindly focusing on my could-be soccer career, that’d most likely end the day I’d graduate from Hall Beck University.The only person who’d rightfully told me Alison wouldn’t want me to play if it didn’t make me happy as well.
I shouldn’t worry about her, but I did—and I think I was starting to realize why.
