Page 68 of Lessons in Falling
Well, he kind of thinks you spilled his biggest secret.And in comparison, his seems a little more… serious?Alfie winced, towel around his waist as he pulled a sweater over his head.Sorry.But it’s true.
Oh, shut up.I dried myself off, keeping an eye on the suspiciously dark trees lining the lake.Just in case—of what, I didn’t know.Are you guys on his side, or mine?!
Silence.
Okay, ouch,I added.Got it.
Well, it’s just—But Iris took it upon herself to finish Alfie’s thought for him.
You hooked up with the guy months ago.When you see him again, you’re—these are your own words—rude and unaccommodating.Then you hook up anyway, but make him promise not to tell anyone.He doesn’t know if it’s because you’re embarrassed or what, but he goes along with it because he clearly likes you—
He doesn’tlikeme.
Iris ignored my objection.You spend time together outside of just the physical aspects of your relationship.
Not a relationship, either.But I got ignored again.
Then, when he thinks he can trust you, you stab him in the back.Or, well, he thinks you stabbed him in the back.I love you, Valentina, but you were kind of the dick in this situation.And,she added, quickly,I never thought I’d get to say that.
Honestly, I’m kind of proud of you,Anni muttered in amusement.In a weird, morally grey way.
So not only did I slip into my shirt and shorts, but a thirtypound suit worth of guilt.
Ihadbeen the asshole, hadn’t I?I’m sure if I’d asked Reddit, they’d lay all the reasons out for me, in more detail than Iris just had.
All the way back to Iris’ beloved Bronco (she was already talking about how she had to let her go in two weeks) I couldn’t shake the feeling.Something in my stomach curled and uncurled, approximately every thirty seconds; which were the intervals of remembering another awful thing I’d done to Caden.
Hypothetically, if he did like me more than a… platonic bunkmate/fuckbuddy, I’d used him shamelessly, acted like I’d been embarrassed of whatever thing there was between us, and made him swear not to tell a single soul.Like Iris had said: my dirty little secret.Since when didIhave dirty little secrets?In my twenty-three years of life, the possibility had never even occurred to me.
So, on the way home, I’d tried to make sense of that.As the only one who didn’t drink tonight, Anni drove, and Iris sat next to her.Alfie and I shared the back seat.Their conversations were animated, laughs and gasps flew through the otherwise silent night as we rushed back home.
Meanwhile, I’d been silently preparing for the inevitable conversation with Caden, apparent dirty little secret of mine and the guy I obviously liked.At least more than I’d wanted to admit for the past few weeks.It was a weird combination, I knew that: you didn’t usually want to keep the guys you liked secret.And you wouldn’t usually describe them as dirty, either.
But here we were.
CHAPTER 33
CADEN
Although today had been a lazy day in, I’d probably reach my ten-thousand-step goal if I didn’t stop pacing around our room soon regardless.It was past midnight, and neither Valentina, nor her friends, were back.If I’d been worried before, I was officially losing my mind now.
I’d tried to keep myself busy—mostly to 1) not stalk through the night trying to find a girl that probably never wanted to talk to me again, and 2) not mourn whatever loss that last realization could bring with it.
So, I’d read through that Anova offer another thousand times—on top of the two thousand times I’d already done— only to make a decision I’d most likely regret.Very soon, on top of that.
I’d paced the room after that, and hadn’t stopped until now.When the door creaked open, a familiar face and cherry-red hair peeked through the crack.I immediately stopped dead in my tracks, like prey noticing its predator—unsure whether to run or hide.Whatever she decided, I realized, I’d be completelyand utterly at her mercy.There was no running or hiding, just accepting.Whether she’d spare me or tear me to pieces.By the look on her face, I couldn’t tell which was more likely.
Only that she was beautiful, even when I was supposed to be mad at her, and especially when her red hair was wet and streaky, and parts of her white shirt had turned damp and see-through.
Hi,she said, closing the door behind her cautiously to lean against it for support.The way her eyes bore into mine, I might need that support to stay upright, too.My toes were tingling and my knees felt weak and I didn’t know why—she wasjustlooking at me.
My voice was more hoarse than I’d anticipated when I replied,Hey.I cleared my throat, diverted my eyes only for a moment to feel like I could actually breathe again.The anticipation might honest-to-God kill me.Not knowing what was going through her head, and not knowing what I wanted to go through mine.
Ishouldbe mad at her.I should be furious at the way she’d broken my trust.And I should at least try to channel that, right?No matter how much I just wanted to fall into her arms and pretend the past three hours had never happened.
So, I cut her off.Her puffy lips had parted, and she’d been about to say something.I’d never find out what.
You fucked me,I burst out, and I hadn’t been all that sure what I’d say until the words hung in the air between us, and she blinked at me.A little perplexed, a lot understanding— which, arguably, made it worse.If I was supposed to be mad at her, she couldn’t be understanding.She couldn’t show even ashred of decency, because I’d fall for it.The second she apologetically batted her eyes at me, I’d be done.
