Page 72 of Lessons in Falling
If Caden could make that decision for himself and not for his sister, I could start saying no, too.I could start suggesting my preferences without being scared of everyone else hating them.And even if they did, it would be fine.That’s how it worked, right?
People didn’t just abandon you because you suggested pasta for dinner when they wanted sushi.
It’s just—he continued, sitting in the grass and beckoning me to join him.You said she’d want me to be happy above all else, right?
His mouth twisted, and he was probably reconsidering his choice for the ten-thousandth time.Soccer just doesn’t do that for me anymore.I don’t want to go pro, so what’s the point of staying just to play another two years?Once I’d finish grad school, I’d have to make the same decision, anyway.Get a PhD—continue playing for HBU—or start working, and finally stop running away from my actual life, to live one for my sister.One she doesn’t evenwant?He sighed, exasperated, probably exhausted by the thoughts that had been haunting him for… a while, at least.
His head fell on my shoulder, and I couldn’t help but smile at the familiar scent of his shampoo.His hair was much longer by now, blond dye slowly growing out.But I still feel terrible.
I leaned against him, played with his fingers in my lap, when he added,Plus, I’m leaving you.
My hand froze in his, and my gaze stayed ahead to not accidentally make eye contact.
Beautiful view, really.Behind me, I could hear Alfie’s, Iris’, and Anni’s faint chatter, and Mike’s heavy breathing—all louder than the wind howling.
I shouldn’t be part of that equation,I huffed, basically whispered.I wasn’t nearly important enough to influence a decision like that.And I definitely shouldn’t be the reason Caden stayed, when he so vehemently wanted to leave.
At that, he sat up.Why not?he asked, and I could feel his eyes on me, studying my profile.Then, out of the corner of my eye, I could see his nose twitch before he huffed, half-amused.Because this is a summer-fling thing?Because you thought you’d go back to HBU and never see me again?His head shook.Is that why you wanted me to take the job so badly?Because it meant I’d be gone—
No!Finally, I did turn toward him.I wanted you to take that job because you clearly want it.And because if you can choose for yourself, then maybe I can, too.
His features softened, and relief spread through every bone in my body.The last thing I needed him to think was that Iwantedhim gone—when there was nothing I wanted more than locking him into my room and never letting him out again.(Who needed daylight and fresh air, anyway?)
Val, baby,he cooed, and his brows rose in understanding.You’re already doing that.
What?
You’re already making decisions for yourself, and you started way before I could’ve had anything to do with that,he clarified.When you did your bucket list.Then again, whenyou decided hooking up with me was worth the potential wrath of your friends—although, I guess, I did havesomethingto do with that one.I hit his arm playfully, but all he did was laugh.And now,he continued.Not worrying about keeping your friends busy and entertained, but just sitting here, with me.
And I guessed he was right, in a way.
Look at us,I snickered, unsure how to react without the tinge of irony in my tone.Finally adult enough to look out for ourselves.
The corner of his lip twitched upward, but he sobered up quickly, looked at me with so much appreciation in his gaze, I didn’t know where to put it all.I’m proud of you.Really.Then, he did laugh.And I’m not just saying that because I know it turns you on.
Caden!I gasped—and laughed and blushed and hid my face in his chest.
His hands shot up in playful innocence.What?he snickered.I know you inside out, sweetheart.And it only took me two months.
A month and two weeks,I corrected, because the time before going back to HBU for grad school was holy to me.
A month and two weeks,he corrected himself, nodding.Imagine the things I can find out if you give me six months.Or a year—ten.
I looked back at him, slowly, not quite sure what to expect behind those words.Amusement in his features?Genuineness?I wasn’t sure what was worse, either—but I did know what I’d hate more.And it brought me back to where our conversation had started.
You’re going to Boston soon,I noted, like it was reasonenough not to get both of our hopes up.I’ll be at HBU, and you’ll be about 150 miles away.
And?
It’s very far, Caden.I felt like I was talking to a toddler, then.Explaining, very slowly, and very patiently, why we couldn’t get fast-food on the way home.
It’s not even a three-hour trip,he said.Two hours and forty-one minutes.
I knew where he was going with this, and I—No.I shook my head.You can’t actually be considering—
I am.His voice was even, like it wasn’t even a question.Like there was no room for arguments, and no matter which one I’d bring up, he’d have at least three rebuttals, anyway.And then, like he’d heard my thoughts, he said,Unless you tell me you don’t want me, I’m not arguing about this.
I blinked at him, dumbstruck and speechless.He smiled, satisfied.So?he asked.Do you want me?
