Page 59 of Owned By the Fae
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I try to make sense of everything I saw, the flashes from her senses and her feelings.
Her guilt over using the Harbinger to kill is substantial. It’s crushing her even now, just as it was after Alcana. I know what she needs, and she does as well. But now isn’t the time.
‘You saw everything? All the times ...’
I nod.
‘And you could feel …’ she lets out a deep sigh, ‘what I felt? What I feel? The weight of the deaths from before I knew the truth that makes it hard to breathe?’
Again, I nod, this time in resignation because I know what she’s going to request, and I promised once that I’d take this from her again when she wanted me to.
‘Will you help me?’ she murmurs as if readingmymind. ‘I told myself that I’d never ask you again after the woods, but … I think I need you to do it. I don’t know of another way to rid myself of this. You gave me weeks without it.’
‘I know,’ I say, holding her tightly. ‘But your body is still healing. I will do it if you ask me … but please don’t ask me. Not until you’re better.’
‘I need it.’ She puts a hand over her chest and winces. ‘Now. The Harbinger killed so many. You saw. I let it. I wanted it to. That one time in the forest wasn’t enough to sate the hollowness that follows me.’
I draw back to look into her face. ‘Varrik ordered these things. Their deaths are his fault, not yours. You were but a child, Lia.’
‘It doesn’t matter what he ordered. I did it. I liked it!’ she replies, her tone sharp. ‘The power of it felt good. There! Is that what you want to hear? When they fall, I’m happy that I let the Harbinger kill them. I’m glad.’
She puts her head in her hands. ‘They never even brace for it. They just fall ... like raindrops in a quick summer storm.’
‘The last time, in Varrik’s study ... I knew what it would do,’ she admits with a shake of her head. ‘They deserved it, and Iwanted it to make them pay.’ She stares up at me. ‘I don’t feel remorse for them. It’s the ones from before. The weight of it is worse because I know now that my vow was false. I will use the Harbinger, and I’ll like it when I do.’
I sigh into her hair. ‘You did nothing wrong.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Please,’ she whispers, tears coming to her eyes. ‘Call the healer after if you want, but do it. You’re the only one I trust to. You’re the only one who understands the why of it even more now that you’ve seen everything I’ve done. Help me feel lighter, Kallum. It’s crushing me. I’m not asking. I’m begging.’
I release her slowly, closing my eyes. ‘This isn’t the time. After Dane ... everything that’s happened ...You don’t want this now.’
‘I don’t. You’re right. But I need it.’
I cringe. I can’t deny her, and when I look into her relieved face, I can see that she knows she’s won.
‘All right,’ I acquiesce. ‘I’ll need a moment. You’re sure?’
She nods jerkily and squeezes my hand.
‘Afterward, you tell me about the black lake I saw.’
She freezes at my price.
‘Fine,’ she mutters almost angrily, and I draw her up to her feet.
I turn away for a moment, pushing away everything I’ve learned from her memories, how broken she feels. I’ll do this for her because she demands it of me. Because she’s right. No one else will understand why she needs it. Because I care for her and, because, gods help me, a dark part of me will enjoy it just as she enjoys the Harbinger’s power. The only difference is I won’t feel remorse afterward.
‘Move the tray and hold onto the edge of the table.’
My harsh tone brooks no argument, though I know she’ll give me none. This isn’t like the first time in the woods. She knowswhat to expect and how my punishment will banish the feelings that are destroying her.
She does what I say with a relieved sigh, putting the tray on the floor and then leaning over the table. She turns her face to the side, pressing her cheek into the smooth wood.
The open-palmed crack on her arse echoes through the room.
I make it hard. I make it hurt.
