Page 37 of Distortion
When I was afraid people would find out about The Heath, that was bad enough, but things are much worse than I feared. How did those girls know about the rest so quickly? I’ve barely been here two days.
Shade. He must have said something.
I force the feelings away before they stop me from finishing my shift, and I try to put the incident with thesorority girls behind me. The rest of the day goes all right and, later, I go back to the house without anything else of note happening. I’m exhausted and headachy though. I take two of the four painkillers I have in my bag that I was allowed to bring with me from The Heath just in case I got a migraine, and, then, I go to bed.
I spend most of the weekend in my room, only venturing to the bathroom and down to the kitchen for food when I don’t think anyone will be around. I see no one and I use the time to recharge. I try to get my head around my studies, too, but it’s an uphill climb.
I end up not seeing Mav, Blake, or Shade at all for several days. When I go to class, I’m escorted by pledges who don’t speak to me except to make fun of my clothes, my face, the accent, my name; basically anything they can think of. It’s tedious and I ignore them as best I can, though I notice them following me around campus as well, which puts me on edge. But there are no more weird notes and the sorority girls don’t bother me in Grinder again. There are whispers and looks though. I try to ignore those as well.
I get into a routine and I’m glad. Without one, I’m anxious and tired all the time. After so many years at The Heath where every day was largely the same, I guess I need the stability. I hate it, though, and I wonder if it would be better if I just leaped out of my comfort zone, ripped off the plaster ...Band-Aid, and let life happen.
Or that might make everything worse. I’m hanging on, but what if I can’t? If I burn out and the resulting effects of me getting overwhelmed happen in front of someone? What if John found out? He’d have me carted straight back to The Heath before I could blink.
Have to appear normal!
So, I try very hard to focus on classes and work, and not much else. Lu even gets me some tea from her Grindersupply catalogue that’s similar to the box that disappeared, which, having learned my lesson, I keep hidden in my room.
The guys in the frat continue to openly stare at me, whisper about me, and I’m pretty sure they send messages about me, too. They don’t touch me, thank God, but are fond of nicknames. They call me ‘stupid’ and ‘retarded’ to my face, which shouldn’t bother me, but it does. The jokes and the other choice names they use like ‘bitch’ and ‘thot’ don’t really register; I suppose because it’s not my mind they’re insulting. Guess that’s a sore point for me.
When my clothes disappear from the laundry, and I find them outside in the mud, I don’t say anything. I pretend I can’t hear the sniggers. I re-wash my clothes and stay right there in the laundry room, hoping they aren’t stained because I won’t have any money until the end of next week to buy more.
I run when I can, sometimes for hours at a time, until my feet hurt and my legs are about to give out. I still can’t get in the house by myself, but a couple of the sophomores have begun to let me in when they see me, which I’m grateful for.
It’s not until the following Saturday that I realize the rumors about me on campus are reaching a fever pitch. I notice other students staring at me all the time, and it makes me uncomfortable. I never hear what they say, but I can guess. I try not to let any of it get to me, but the truth is that I’m beginning to fray at the edges a little.
After my shift at Grinder in the evening, Lu pulls me aside.
‘Why didn’t you invite me!’ she accuses with her hands on her hips.
‘To what?’ I ask with a laugh, now a lot more used to my friend’s rambunctious behaviors.
‘Um, only the first party of the year at the KIP house!’
I shrug. ‘I didn’t know there was one. When is it?’
‘Tonight! Come on. We need to find you something to wear.’
I’m herded out of Grinder and told she needs to lock up the back or Bill, the mysterious manager I haven't yet seen, will be pissed.
I wait for her, my eyes scanning the students, seeing their eyes dart to me and then away.
Whispers. Whispers. Whispers.
I sigh and look for Lu, hoping she’ll come soon and wondering if going to a party tonight is really a good idea. But if there’s anything I’ve learned about my buddy, it’s that once she has an idea in her head, she won’t let it go.
Next to me, an envelope flutters to the ground. My heart beats a little faster. It looks just like the other one. I roll my eyes at myself. I’m not in a detective novel. And yet I find myself picking it up, perhaps to prove to myself that it’s nothing.
It’s sealed and I tear it open.
‘Don’t you give a shit that your mom was murdered?’
I frown. All the first note said was, ‘Your mom’s crash wasn’t an accident.’
Murdered?
It’s obvious now that that’s what the writer was getting at, and I wish he or she would have been a bit more verbose.
Why would someone have murdered my mom? My stomach plummets. Maybe this is some kind of nasty joke because of ... the other thing people are talking about. Someone’s messing with me; the pledges, or someone else in the KIP house, probably.
