Page 90 of Distortion
‘I haven’t seen you in the building before. What was your major yesterday,Daisy?’ She looks down at me, taking in my appearance. ‘Home Ec?’
Students around me giggle. I don’t understand the joke, but I know it’s at my expense.
‘Settle down,’ Professor McKinsey says, but she sounds distracted.
I look to the front of the room and see that her nose is buried in her phone. Glancing around, I take note of what the other students are wearing, trying to see why I’ve been singled out by these two physics gatekeepers. But my peers’ clothes aren’t much different to my outfit as far as I can see.
And yet it’s as if they can somehow senseothernessin me.
‘English Lit,’ I force out in a whisper, my eyes prickling.
It reverberates through the room and I realize no one is making a sound. The chatter has dried up. No one’s tapping on their keyboards. Everyone is listening.
The class erupts with laughter, but McKinsey just looks annoyed.
‘Unbelievable,’ she mutters from the front with a small headshake.
I guess it’s safe to say I won’t be getting any help from her.
‘Well,Daisy,’ the hipster says slowly as if he’s speaking to an idiot. ‘While I’m sure thatyou’re supposed to be here, there’s a rule. If you’re not ready for class, i.e., you don’t have the equipment necessary with you, then you aren’t permitted tobein the class. It takes away from the experience of the rest of us who actually worked hard to be here. We invite you to leave.’
Students laugh again, and I’m pretty sure I hear someone mutter that I must have snuck into the building on a dare.
‘Isn’t that the girl the rumors are about?’ I hear from behind me. ‘She killed a kid, right? I can’t believe they let her like go to school here. That’s insane.’
I try to ignore the words.
‘Sorry?’ I answer the hipster in a whisper even I can barely hear, my cheeks heating uncomfortably.
‘You heard us. You aren’t ready for the class. How do you think it makes the rest of us feel when you’re not prepared to put in the effort?’ The girl points at the door. ‘You should transfer back into the Arts. You’re clearly not meant for STEM.’
‘But I ...’
‘Go on, Mary Sue.’ The condescending hipster makes a waving motion with his fingers toward me.
It’s Daisy, I think.
‘No, wait,’ the girl says. ‘I have a better idea. What’s the answer to the equation,Daisy?’
The vitriol she spits at me makes me cringe outwardly.
I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out.
Cue more laughter. Barely keeping it together, I take a deep breath and pick up my notebook. I get out of my seat and walk quickly to the door with my head held high. I pull at it but it doesn’t open. I pull again, harder.
‘It literally says PUSH, genius!’
I push it, mortification running hot through every fiber of my being. I feel tears running down my face as I escape the lecture hall and run straight for the ladies room.
Inside, I try to calm down, but my breathing is too fast and I feel like I’m suffocating. I double over and realize I’m going to be sick. I barely make it into the stall before my masticated pancake comes back up.
I flush and go to the sink, willing my stomach to stop twisting as I wash my face and gulp some water from my hands.
I look at myself.
‘Idiot,’ I whisper. ‘You could literally be the smartest person ever and you’d still be the biggest fucking retard,’ I hiss angrily at my reflection. ‘And you always will be. Youdon’t even deserve to be here. You should go back to The Heath. That’s where you belong. Everyone thinks so.’
The words satisfy the frustrated side of me that wants to hurt myself, and I close my eyes, clenching my hands and feeling my nails cutting into my palms. The pain grounds me even as more tears leak from my eyes.
