Page 42 of Degradation
Blake lets out a harsh breath and tilts his head back, resting it on the back of his chair. ‘Fuck,’ he whispers. ‘Marcus and his pets are three motherfuckers I’d love to kill.’
‘Me, too,’ I say. ‘Beating the shit out of them wasn’t nearly punishment enough for what they did. I want the others, too. Those cops and that guy in the dorm. The one who posted the pic of her.’
Blake nods. ‘Already on it.’
He turns back to his computer.
‘I think she might hate me,’ he says after a moment.
‘Why?’
‘It was a bad one tonight. I got back. I was covered in blood, and I was...not myself.’
He runs his hand through his hair, pulling on it hard. ‘Shit, maybe I was myself. Maybe that is me. Anyway, she asked me if I was okay. She put her hand on my shoulder and I...yelled at her, told her never to touch me, called her shut-in, laughed at her. Basically, I turned into my usual asshole self when it comes to myfan club.’
‘Jesus, Blake,’ I mutter, shaking my head. ‘You can’t treat her like that. She’s not a toy. She isn’t just going to forgive you, pretend it didn’t happen, and fall into bed with you.’ I turn around, take a step, and then swing back as something else occurs to me.
‘She almost never touches anyone. Have you noticed? Not even Lu as far as I’ve seen. She’ll let someone touch her sometimes, but she rarely initiates it. Shade told me she only does it with people she’s close to. But she touched you.’
My eyes move over him, and I snort. ‘Get your shit together, bro, and find a way to apologize.’ I leave his room.
‘Saying ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t gonna cut it by the way,’ I murmur over my shoulder as I go.
I leave Blake there in the dark and I rejoin Daisy back in bed. She’s asleep and dead to the world. I watch her for a long time, hoping that tomorrow she doesn’t pretend this didn’t happen because I like what’s going on between me and her and I don’t want to lose it.
Chapter Four
DAISY
Iwake up to the slow rise and fall of something warm shifting under me, and when my fingers curl into whatever it is to investigate, it’s warm and soft, yet firm.
I’m very confused in my half-asleep condition. I crack one eye open and realize with surprise that Mav is still in my bed.
I remember asking him to stay. He said he’d come back but I didn’t really think he would. I watch him in his unguarded state. He’s on his back and I’m half lying on his chest. His skin is silky under my fingers, and I can’t help the way my hands slide along his pecs. He’s so big and everything on his body is hard yet yielding and so pleasurable to feel on some fundamental level.
I wouldn’t usually touch anyone like this, but then again, I’m not usually in bed with a guy either.
I stroke down Mav’s abs, relaxing at the feel of him, but then I remember what Blake said to me last night when I put my hand on his shoulder, and I freeze.
He was very angry about it. I mull it over again in the light of day, trying to figure out what I did. I’m trying not to be upset. It must have been my fault. I don’t like it when other people touch me without warning, so maybe he doesn’t either. I should have known better, but here I am doing it again.
I frown and I take my hands off Mav completely, embarrassed that I keep making the same mistakes. Maybe it would be best to try not to interact with the three of them except when absolutely necessary. This is a minefield, and it doesn’t escape me that, after ten whole years at The Heath, I still have no idea what’s going on in other people’s heads, or why they do what they do.
Cured my ass.
Stoke was so focused on making sure Ilookednormal– sat up straight and didn’t bite the skin around my fingers or talk out of turn and make odd noises– that he seems to have neglected many things that would actually have been useful for me to understand.
But I suppose that I seem unremarkable to those around me, at least. If it wasn’t for the rumors about me, I don’t think anyone here would have looked at me twice, which is a far cry from how people treated me in middle school.
It’s fine, I seem fine…so long as no one takes a longer look.
The Heath was supposed to be helping me, but coming out into the world, seeing what everything’s really like, whatI’mreally like, I’m starting to wonder if there was any point to it at all.
Fundamentally, I’m still the same inside. What did Stoke and The Heath actually do for me besides teach me toappearnormal so as not to upset John and those like him? And what price did that come with? Fears and panic. Nightmares about long gray corridors and insidious entities in white uniforms. They slapped a veneer over the parts they found difficult and pretended I was better. They made me believe it too, but the longer I’m spending out here, the more it feels like I’m on an iceberg. I can only see the surface and there’s so much beneath the water that I can’t even fathom.
‘Why did you stop?’ Mav mumbles from next to me, breaking me out of my dark thoughts.
‘I...I thought you might not like me touching you,’ I reply.
