Page 91 of Degradation
I nod, still a little dazed.
A hand cups my jaw, and my face is angled upward toward both Shade and Mav. For once I don’t pull away. I let myself be comforted. Ifeelcomforted by their touch and it’s such an alien feeling that I lean into it. I want more.
‘Do you still want dinner?’ Mav asks.
I nod again.
Shade, still holding me, nods at Mav. ‘Go find Blake. You guys take the truck. I’ll bring her in my car.’
‘Sure.’ Mav takes one last look at me, swallows hard and turns away.
Shade takes my arm and helps me across the street. I pull away a little when we get to the other side, but I still stay closer than usual.
I watch him. I want to ask him if he really thinks what happened was an accident, because I don’t think he does, but I also don’t think he’s going to be honest with me so there’s no point.
‘Where are we going to eat?’
‘Deb’s Bar and Grill. Are you okay with that?’
‘Is that the place you took me to after I fell in the river?’
He looks away. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think... We don’t have to go there. We can?—’
‘No, it’s okay. It’s just a place.’
He watches me for a minute. I’m not sure what he’s looking for in my face, so I don’t say anything. ‘I’ve been an asshole. I’m sorry.’
I shrug. ‘It’s?—’
‘It’s not fine. Jesus, Daisy. It’s not fine! I...’ He runs his hands through his hair, his expression tortured. ‘I fixed your allowance.’
‘Fixed it?’ I ask, not sure what he’s talking about.
‘It was two bucks a week,’ he looks away from me. ‘I did it on purpose. I wanted… I don’t know what I wanted. I’m sorry. You’d just lost your mom, but so had I. It’s not an excuse. I’m a dick, but I think I’m less of one than I would have been without April in my life.’
He’s babbling. I’ve never seen him like this.
‘You were my best friend,’ he goes on. ‘Even after you left. You still were. When I tried calling and you didn’t want to speak to me, I was so... hurt, I guess. And that made me so angry. It was like... you were the only person I could be myself with and then you were gone, and you didn’t care enough about me to even keep in touch.’
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. That’s what he thinks?
‘It wasn’t like that at all. You were my best friend too. For days after I was left at The Heath, I waited by the windows, hoping that someone would come back for me. I heard the doctor on the phone one afternoon and I knew he was talking to your dad. So, I waited by the reception desk for hours every day for weeks in case you or my mom called, but none of you did. After a while, I was told that no one had called, and no onewouldbe calling. They told me that my actions had consequences, and I had to understand that.’
I look down, forcing out the words I want him to hear as I step toward him and stop walking.
‘So, I tried to forget about you, about all the time we spent together. You were always really patient. And I remember you trying to stand up for me with your father. He punished you for it though. I didn’t like that. At least when I left, you couldn’t be hurt by my actions anymore. I thought about that a lot.’
His chin rests on the top of my head as he pulls me close. ‘I didn’t care about the punishments. You were worth it.’
He draws back and tips my head towards his. I let him.
‘You still are.’
His lips on mine are soft. I like the feeling. I wonder if he uses ChapStick.
I kiss him back, flicking my tongue the way Blake has shown me, and I register his surprise when he stiffens.
I cant my head at him. ‘We’re not kids anymore,’ I whisper.
