Page 93 of Degradation
‘Jesus. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.’
His hand finds mine and he squeezes it. I let him because I think it’ll make him feel better, but the truth is I don’t feel much of anything about it. I let go of all that stuff a long time ago.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ I say quietly. ‘And I’ll bet Andy made sure you didn’t find out.’
‘Andy was in on it?’
‘Course he was,’ I snort. ‘He was always a jerk and he and Larson were buddies, remember?’
‘That’s true,’ he mutters half to himself.
He shakes his head and swears to himself.
‘What about... Larson. What happened that day, Daisy?’
‘I killed him, Jack.’ I say the words they made me say at The Heath. ‘I killed a boy in a fit of frustration and rage because of all the things he did to me.’
Shade is silent as we drive.
‘But you know what’s weird?’ I mutter, saying the thing I never said except to John when he shook it out of me.
‘What?’ he asks.
‘I don’t remember it.’
‘What do you mean? The...killing?’
‘I mean all of it. The last thing I remember is going to gym class and they were making us run the mile. I didn’t feel like doing it. I had cross-country later that day anyway, so I didn’t see the point. I was walking around the field. Everyone else was really far ahead. That’s the last thing I recall until hours later. I must have been there. His blood was on me. I’ve tried so hard to remember, but it’s just blank.’
‘But you talked about it. You admitted it.’
‘I made it up. They left me alone in the room with the folder of the crime scene information. I looked at it. I guess the officers thought I was too retarded to read it. They’d been asking me questions for hours. They wouldn’t accept that I didn’t know anything. Your dad hadn’t gotten me a lawyer. I had no one with me except a social worker who barely said a word. So, I answered their questions. I made things up. They’d already said I’d done it. I was pretty sure I had too. I hated Mike Larson. And I wanted the questions to stop. So, I said the things they wanted to hear.’
I sit back, thinking about what I’ve just told Shade. All of it’s the truth, I just hadn’t let myself think about how it had all happened until I came back, I realize. Not once at The Heath – Stoke seemed to know what I’d told the police so there was no need to ever go through it again, bar the basic confessions in group therapy. But since my mom’s funeral, it’s been there, in my subconscious, just rolling around and around. I wish I could remember more about that day.
Shade doesn’t ask me anything else. He’s silent the rest of the way to the restaurant. When we pull up, I notice it’s not as busy as it was the day they brought me here.
I get out of Shade’s car, walking slightly behind him up the steps onto the wooden porch. The door opens and a couple of older men come out, chuckling about something. Shade holds the door for me, and I walk in. I hear a jukebox in one corner, and pool balls cracking together. The TVs are on, but they’re all muted and showing games that I guess aren’t important because only a few people sitting at the bar are watching while they sip their beers.
‘Come on,’ Shade murmurs, putting a hand in the small of my back.
I see Mav and Blake have arrived and are already sitting at a table together.
‘How did they get here so fast?’ I murmur.
Shade looks at me from the corner of his eye. ‘I went the long way. I wanted to talk.’
We approach the table. The guys having a conversation about something serious. When they see me, they so quiet immediately, and Blake rises.
‘You okay?’ He sounds so concerned.
I nod. ‘Just a couple of scratches from the bush we fell into, that’s all.’
I’m guided to a chair between them both and I’m struck by how different this is from last time as I sit down next to Shade.
When they brought me here just a few weeks ago I was so miserable and upset because of them and now, I feel the opposite, largely because of them as well. Although I suppose I should give myself some credit. I did change my major and force them to keep me around. Plus, the sex stuff.
I pick up the menu and, when the server comes, I order a burger with extra pickles and fries.
