Page 66 of Keeping Guard
Two pairs of eyes watched her, as if waiting to see her reaction. “If he’s as cute as you, Clint, we’ll take him with us.”
Clint grinned. “He’s cuter.”
“Well then. It’s a done deal.” She glanced at Noah. “Sorry, sailor boy. Looks like you’re out of luck.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You’re not going anywhere, princess.”
No, she wasn’t. She was his until the day he left, and because she didn’t want to get depressed by that thought tonight, she changed the subject. “Noah picked up a chocolate cake from an amazing bakery nearby. I’ll make us some coffee.”
“On one of my visits, you should take me on a tour of your brewery,” Clint said.
“I’d love to.”
He asked her questions about brewing beer while they lingered over the cake and coffee. When they finished, they moved to the living room. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since the brothers had seen each other, and she thought it would be good for them to have some time alone.
She yawned. “Sorry. I think I’ll head off to bed. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon at Jack and Nichole’s?” she said to Clint.
“You sure will.”
As she walked down the hall, she heard Clint say, “I really like her.” She paused, curious to hear Noah’s response.
“So do I. More than I want to.”
What did that mean? Why didn’t he want to like her?
“Then what’s the problem, brother?”
It was wrong to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t make herself walk away.
“Things are messed up for me right now,” Noah said.
“What happened? Why are you on leave?”
Peyton slid down the wall. She shouldn’t listen to their private conversation, but she sat there on her butt anyway. She needed to know what had happened to him.
“Because I fucked up. Bad.” Noah knew Peyton was still in the hallway, listening, but he thought she was developing feelings for him. She deserved to know why that wasn’t a good idea, but he just couldn’t tell his story to her face and see her disappointment in him, maybe even disgust. It was easier to let her listen while he told his brother.
Clint lifted his chin toward the hallway, and Noah nodded, acknowledging he was aware Peyton was listening. Would she ask him to leave after she learned he wasn’t the hero she thought he was? That would be the best for both of them, especially her. But then who would protect her? He took a deep breath, then started talking.
“I should have been suspicious of the bed and called for a teammate to help me move it for a thorough search,” Noah said as he finished the story. “That was my job. Instead, I didn’t want to disturb a sick old man more than I had to. A good man and our team’s dog are dead because of me.”
He’d started out sitting back in the chair but now perched on the edge. His elbows rested on his knees, his hands dangling between his legs. Afraid of what he would see on Clint’s face—revulsion, pity?—Noah stared down at his clenched fists, then slowly unfurled them before he was tempted to put them through one of Peyton’s walls. When Clint didn’t respond, he lifted his gaze.
His brother leaned his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes. “I’ve never told a soul this. I knew I was gay by the time I was thirteen. I didn’t broadcast it, but I never hid it, either. There was a boy I had a crush on my junior year, and I thought he liked me, too. I don’t remember how we came to be there, but one day we were under the bleachers. A group of five boys caught us kissing. These same boys had bullied me all year, and I was afraid of them.”
He opened his eyes and stared at Noah. “They went for Fletcher first, and like the chicken shit I was, I ran away. I didn’t go to a teacher and report my friend getting beaten up. I hid like a coward. I never saw Fletch again because he never returned to school, but I heard he spent two days in the hospital because I didn’t do anything to stop it. Shortly after he got out, his family moved away. The boys got a measly month’s suspension for fucking up his face.”
“You were just a kid.” It wasn’t the same. He was an adult. He was highly trained not to make mistakes like the one he had.
“Doesn’t matter. I knew when I ran that they were going to hurt him. I should have gone straight to a teacher or someone capable of stopping it. My point is, we all haveshould have donesin our lives. Granted, some are worse than others, but what are you accomplishing by beating yourself up over something you can’t change? Yes, you made a mistake, a tragic one, but I guarantee you’ll never make it again. And, brother, you aren’t honoring Asim’s life by throwing yours away.”
“How did you get past it? Not doing what you knew you should have?” Clint had given him a lot to think about, but there was a big difference in feeling responsible for a boy getting beaten and knowing he was responsible for someone’s death.
“When I finally forgave myself.”
Noah didn’t know if he could do that. “Did you have nightmares?”
“For months. Sometimes they were what actually happened, sometimes I was the one being beaten, and in a few of them, I ran and got a teacher. Those were the worst because if I could do that in a dream, why hadn’t I been able to for real? How bad are yours?”
