Page 74 of Keeping Guard
“We’re going to fight it. We’re a team now, Dad.”
He reached over and squeezed her hand. “A kickass team.”
“You got that right.”
“I want you to promise me something. Stay positive. Keep smiling. You’re too young to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“I’ll keep smiling and stay positive if you will.” The doctor had stressed how important it was for her father to keep a positive attitude, and she meant to see that he did.
“Deal.” He held up his hand, and she high-fived him.
Dr. Meadows peered at Noah over the top of her glasses. She waved the two pages he’d written. “The facts are here, and that’s it. Where’s the emotion? What you felt in here—” she tapped her chest “—as you saw the building explode knowing Asim and Snoop were in there? How did you sleep that night? Did you even sleep? When did you have the first nightmare?”
Noah pressed his lips together to keep his rage from pouring out. How did he feel? Was she kidding? The pages she held in her hand had been torture to write, even though they were only the facts of the event. As for his emotions, they were locked down tight. If he let them out, he’d destroy everything in sight. He’d slipped out of Peyton’s bed at four in the morning to do his assignment, and what he had managed to put on paper had slayed him.
He must have zoned out when he’d finished, lost in a waking nightmare. Lucky had brought him back to the present by whining and licking the tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t even know he’d been crying.
“I can’t do this,” he rasped. The damn ants were biting.
“You can.” She put down the papers, then removed her glasses, and set them on the desk. “You can’t slay your demons until you face them. You’re not a coward. If you were, you’d never have made it as a SEAL. Let’s see some of those SEAL balls you guys have in abundance.”
“It really pisses me off that I like you, Doc.”
She laughed. “It’s my bedside manner you can’t resist.”
He snorted. “If you say so.” He rubbed the back of his neck, massaging against the developing headache. She wasn’t at all what he’d imagined his head doc would be. Not even close. He’d envisioned a soft-spoken, bookish-appearing doctor who would silently study him until Noah blabbed all.
What he got was a mouthy, no-holds-barred doc who wasn’t going to put up with any bullshit from him. She’d challenged him with her coward comment, and he might be a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.
“Your assignment this week is to write this again, but with your feelings included, both the day it happened and in the following days. Get those demons out of your head and on paper so we’ll know what weapons we need to destroy them.”
“What I said about liking you... I changed my mind.”
The woman had a full-bellied gusty laugh, which strangely calmed the biting ants. “You’ll like me again by the time we’re done,” she said after she stopped laughing.
He wasn’t so sure about that if she kept making him write about feelings.
Noah returned to Peyton’s kitchen table after making a second pot of coffee. He’d had to walk away from his assignment three times already, but he was determined to finish without stepping away again. He was almost finished, but he’d reached the part most difficult to write...his damn feelings.
You want feelings, Doc? Here’s mine... Asim’s dead because I didn’t do my job. That’s a fact. In my nightmares, even though this part never happened, I see Asim’s eyes right before the bomb goes off. He’s looking straight at me with blame in them.
You asked me three questions. Did I sleep that night? That’s a joke, right? Do I even sleep? Not so much. When did I have my first nightmare? Two nights later...the first time I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
One other thing for you, being a head doc and loving this kind of shit to analyze. My guitar has always been my escape when the ants start biting. It has been since my mother...nope, not going there. I’m not giving you more parts of me to dissect. All I want to say is that the last person to play my guitar was Asim. I can’t bring myself to touch it now, but I miss my escape when the ants bite.
I’m done! If you tell me I haven’t put enough emotion and bullshit feelings in this one and tell me I have to write it again, we’re done, you and me.
Noah put his pen down. He didn’t read it over. He couldn’t. If the doctor didn’t like this one, that was too damn bad. It was three in the morning, but he was too wired from coffee and feelings to sleep. He’d sent Peyton to bed hours ago, telling her he’d join her as soon as he finished the assignment from his doctor. But he couldn’t go to bed. Couldn’t bear to see Asim’s eyes. Not tonight. He was too raw.
Lucky put his chin on Noah’s knee and whined. Noah had noticed that the damn dog sensed when the ants started biting and would get that worried look he wore now. So, instead of crawling into bed with Peyton, he clipped Lucky’s leash to his collar. The two of them walked the streets of downtown Asheville until the gray light of dawn.
In a few hours, he’d show up for his Thursday morning appointment, where he’d have to watch Dr. Meadows read what he’d written and then talk about it. He’d rather pull his fingernails out with pliers.
He and Peyton were a sad pair. He’d been moody since his Monday appointment, and although she was putting up a brave front, she was worried about her father. They’d slept together in her bed Monday night...well, she’d slept while he—too afraid to close his eyes and see Asim’s accusing ones—had spent the night watching her.
Although he’d wanted nothing more than to lose himself in her sweet body and forget for a while, she’d come to bed wearing leggings and the T-shirt she’d stolen from him. Clothes that said sex wasn’t on her mind.
She’d told him about the doctor visit with her father, cried while he held her, and had fallen asleep in his arms. He’d felt almost content just holding her snuggled against him. Almost wasn’t quite there, though, but it was there enough that he knew it was one feeling he could get used to. Damn doctor and herfeelings.
