Page 18 of The Spirit Key
Tim huffed. “Him you might have a problem with. He’s forgiven your mom, but you, I’m not so sure.”
“Please. He hasn’t forgiven me since I died and ruined his summer. He was a dick to me from then on.”
“That’s enough! For God’s sake, Scotty, are youalwaysgoing to be an asshole?”
Now, if Tim had said that, I would have laughed it off. But when my mother was the one who talked like that? She sat there, a steely glint in her eye that spoke of barely restrained anger.
“What do you mean?”
“Your brother loves you. He was devastated when you left, especially when you disappeared without a word. Leaving a note that says I should tell him goodbye if I wanted? That was a total crap move. By the way, I didn’t tell him that. I told him you loved him very much, but you felt you had to go away for a while. Even though you ran out on us, I still covered for you, and I won’t have you sit there and talk about Ryan, who went ahead and found a way to get through the loss of his brother.”
God, I thought I was done being a dick. Seemingly it went a little deeper than I’d thought. I was still thinking of Ryan in terms of the little boy who told me I’d ruined his life, and not the father and husband he’d become.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yes, you’re sorry now. But what about when you were gone? You couldn’t once pick up a phone and call to let us know you were okay? You left us hanging by our fingernails, hoping every day that someone wouldn’t come along and pry them off the ledge. You don’t know how many times the phone rang and we cringed, thinking that day would be the one someone told us you were dead.”
Before I could speak, she held up a hand and continued.
“I get it, really. But you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself for a change. You’re twenty-four now, and it’s high time you grew up.” She took a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I’m not one to talk, but you have to ask yourself if we’re wrong to be hurt and upset. You left us, Scott. Instead of asking for help, you bailed.”
Anger surged through me. She had no idea what my life had been like when I lived at home. How many ghosts I’d seen, dripping blood, body parts missing, skin peeling off. Do you know what it’s like to see a bloated baby, his skin black and mouth agape? Tell me that wouldn’t fuck anyone up.
I leaped up, my fists clenched at my side and my face burning. I glared at my mother, and before I could stop myself, I spat out, “No, Mom, you don’t get it. No one does. I know you think some tough love will straighten me out, but not one person will ever understand what I went through.”
Tim reached out and put his hand on my wrist. Instantly I calmed and sat back down. He continued holding it while he addressed Mom.
“I hate to say it, Andrea, but he’s right. He is—was—in a very dark place, and I don’t think any of us could grasp how bad it was for him. I get that Ryan is probably still angry, and I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be, but Scotty is hurting too. And we have to forgive him for what happened, because holding on to that hurt means the pain is never going away for any of us. And if we can’t do that, then it’s going to tear all of us apart.”
She gasped. “I don’t want that to happen. I lost my son for five years, and I’m not willing to let him go again.”
“Good, that makes two of us. I think we all have to acknowledge that each of us has a right to deal with our anger however we see fit. We can’t judge one another for how we feel, because none of us can understand the things in each other’s hearts.”
He started to move his hand, but I grabbed it before he could take it away. “He’s right, and I’m sorry, Mom. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. But he’s also right about me having been in a bad place. I saw things that no one should have to see, and it screwed me up pretty bad.”
“You know you can tell me. I will understand.”
I smiled and reached for her. She held out her hand, and I had a connection with both of them. “Maybe one day, after I figure it out, I can. Like a wise woman once said, my whole life is a work in progress.”
She squeezed my hand and graced me with a soft smile that told me it would take work on our parts, but eventually we’d be okay once more.
And now I had to deal with Ryan, and wasn’t I just looking forward to that?
In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, the answer was a resoundingno.
Chapter Five
TIM ANDI spent the remainder of the afternoon talking with Mom. By the time he and I left, we’d all shed more than a few tears. As we left, Mom hugged me and made me swear I wouldn’t disappear again. That was an easy promise to make.
When we got back to Tim’s, I was exhausted. The first thing I did after we walked through the door was flop down on his couch, an arm over my eyes.
He patted my shoulder. “You did good today.”
At first I thought he was being sarcastic, but when I took my arm away and saw his warm smile, it told me otherwise. “Thanks.”
He went to the refrigerator and grabbed us each a soda, returned to the couch, handed one to me, then sat down beside me. “How you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been wrung out, dragged through the mud, then scrubbed against a rock.”
