Page 14 of Stained Hearts
Robert chuckled. “If we don’t go down, she’ll come up and get us.”
I stood and started for the door, then stopped and turned around. “Thank you. I think maybe talking to you helped me.”
“I’m glad. Now let’s go. I need to see if Galen will be making chili from now on.”
Robert had been right about talking with Brian. Even if I wasn’t sure Brian would hear the words, I would.
And maybe now I was finally willing to listen.
Chapter Four
WHEN Igot home a couple days later, I made myself a cup of Brian’s favorite tea and took a seat on the couch in front of the fireplace. Though I’d buried his ashes in Yellowstone per his wishes, I kept the urn and put it in a place of honor. The deep blue branches with the pink cherry blossoms and the blue-and-white bird were a nod to his Asian heritage. The tag, which read Brian Jun Chen, was his effort to bridge the two parts of his life. He’d told me that he wished to have his given name displayed, because in death, he would no longer be ashamed of who he was.
“You always did bring me a lot of tears. Some of joy, some of sorrow. You made me feel… alive. Meeting you was the day my life finally started to gel into something where I knew what I wanted. Maybe that’s why I feel so lost now.”
Or maybe it’s because you won’t do what I said.
I could hear his voice, clear as a bell, in my mind. I knew it wasn’t real, but Robert was right. I knew what Brian would say to me.
“How can I give up on you? On us?”
Because I’m not there to hold you when things get tough. Our marriage was a partnership. You were strong for me when I couldn’t be, and I was there for you when you needed someone to shoulder your worries. Your life is out of balance now, and you’re refusing to find it again.
“Maybe I don’twantbalance.”
Then why did you look at Aiden the way you did? Why, for the first time since I died, did your heart beat just a little bit faster? Why did your stomach flutter when he smiled? And why would you feel guilty about it?
I turned away, not able to look at the urn. “Because I was cheating on your memory.”
His laugh, which had always been one of the things I loved best about him, rang through my head.You can’t cheat on a memory, Tommy. If my dog died, am I cheating on his memory by looking at another one? No, I’m building new memories.
I growled deep in my throat. “You’re not a fucking dog.” Then I shook my head, wondering at the strange turn this conversation had taken.
No, I’m not. But the concept is the same. If something dies, we mourn, but eventually we need to find a way to move on, because if we don’t, we run the risk of being mired in our past.That laugh again.Oh, wait. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?
“So tell me, then, wise one, what the hell should I do?”
What has every person in your life been telling you? It’s okay to live. Don’t think of it as cheating on my memory. Think of it as experiencing all life has to offer for both of us. Look at other men, lust after them if you want. If sex is possible, then—
“No!”
Great. Now I was shouting to an empty room. The thought of sex with anyone who wasn’t Brian made my heart ache and my chest tight.
Don’t interrupt when I’m talking to you. That was a bad habit you had, you know. If sex is possible, see where it’ll take you. I know you wouldn’t go into it just to get off. You’re the type of man who will give his heart before he’d even consider giving his dick.
This time I laughed aloud, then wondered if I was going nuts, because the words, even though they were in Brian’s voice, were mine. I’d had passes made at me all my life, but never once, in all those years, did I entertain them, because who I was, what I’d become, that all belonged to Brian.
“I’m scared.”
Tell me why. Say it out loud, because you taught me words have power. If you’re going to hide them away, they’ll continue to keep you down.
I pulled air into my lungs. I’d kept this secret from everyone—my parents, Robert, my therapist. And now he wanted me to say it?
My hands trembled as I reached for the cup. A bit of tea sloshed over the sides when I went to take a sip.
Hesitating isn’t going to make it easier. What are you afraid of?
I dropped the cup and winced as it split into several pieces. I snapped my gaze to his urn.
