Page 38 of Stained Hearts
Aiden hiked a thumb toward the back. “How’d you get so good at that?”
“Brian had cancer. Toward the end, his body was too weak to walk, so he had a chair.”
Saying it brought a twinge of sadness, but nothing like the crushing, debilitating grief I’d experienced before. It didn’t make me want to curl up on a ball and block out the world. Instead, it brought a wealth of memories, all of which were pleasant. And now I had a chance to make new ones.
“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”
I reached out and cupped his knee. “You didn’t. I went through the stages of grief a long time ago. Now? I’m okay.”
And I was. The change had been so gradual, it was imperceptible.
“What was he like? Brian, I mean.”
Alarm bells clanged in my head. While on a date, one shouldn’t talk about a loved one who died. I didn’t remember much about dating, but I was pretty sure that was a rule.
“What movie do you want to watch?”
Well, damn. That was subtle.
“You don’t have to tell me. I only met him the once, but I liked him. He had a purity about him. Being around him made me and Livvy feel… I don’t know if calm is the right word, but there was a sense of serenity there.”
A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. “And you’ve just described Brian in a nutshell.”
It was something our friends commented on often. Brian was the one you went to when you were having problems. When Tanya and Anne were getting to the point that I thought they’d break up, Brian sat down with both of them and hashed out whatever the problem was. A year later, the two of them got married, and Brian stood up with them. When Pete’s dog died, Brian baked snickerdoodles, and the two of them brought out pictures of Magnus and stuffed their faces with cookies and ice cream. A month after that, Pete asked Brian to help him find a new dog.
Before I met Aiden, these memories would have me curled up in a ball on the couch, crying. Now? I remembered the good times with warmth, and the bad times were simply there as a counterpoint. They evoked little sadness and no regrets.
“You’re smiling.”
“Just remembering. Thank you for that.”
His eyes widened. “Me?”
“Brian would have loved you. When I met him, he was sweet and often demure.” I squeezed Aiden’s knee. “You’re sweet, but I think you’ve got a bit of the devil in you. I’m willing to bet that the time he spent sitting with you and Olivia meant a lot to him. He never warmed to people easily, so take it as a compliment that he felt he could be comfortable around you.”
Aiden sat up a bit straighter. “Will you tell me about him?”
It wasn’t a good idea, and I knew it, but he’d asked, and how much worse would it be if I said no?
“I met him when we were roommates in college. He was quiet but quick to smile. It didn’t take me but a few days to realize I was hopelessly in love with him. When he told me he loved me too? That was the best day up to that point. After a few months of dating, I asked him to marry me. He said no, because he thought it would ruin my life and the dreams I had for it. It took me another couple of weeks to convince him to take a chance on me. Brian didn’t always have the easiest life. He—”
I stopped, wanting to bite off my tongue. That was one secret that I never shared with anyone, not even Mom or Dad. One thing Brian made me swear I could never tell. As I sat with Aiden, I needed to tell someone, and he was the perfect person, because I knew he’d understand.
“He what?”
There was a silence, and then I drew in a breath. “His name was Jun Chen. His whole life was planned for him. He was supposed to come to school and meet an Asian girl, fall in love, and start a family with her. He didn’t want that life, because he knew it wasn’t him. His parents kicked him out and told him that he’d dishonored their family and that he no longer had one of his own. He came to school, heartbroken and lost, until we met.” A sigh of relief slipped out of me. “I’ve never told another living person that story. Brian made me swear not to.”
“Then why tell me?”
I turned to him and peered into his eyes. “Because anyone else in my life would have tried to comfort him. You’d understand. Even I never could.”
His eyes shone in the dim lighting. “I wish I could have gotten to know him better.”
“So do I.” I reached out and ran the pad of my thumb over his cheek. “You two as friends would have been the death of me. Trouble everywhere you look.”
He grinned, but that slipped away. “Do you…. Do you miss him?”
“I do. It’s hard not to miss someone who was there for half your life. And for a while, I went a little nuts, but Brian? He was always the man with the plan. He knew I’d wallow in misery, so before he died, he went to my family and told them to give me time to grieve, but told them to then drag me out and back into the world. I honestly thought there was no reason for it. I figured I could be alone with my memories for the rest of my life. Then I met someone who showed me that wanting to live again wasn’t a bad thing, and it wasn’t dishonoring his memory either. It was listening to the wishes he had for me and realizing I needed to open my eyes and my heart again. That’s what brought me to you.”
