Page 37 of Reclaiming Quinn
Quinn sighed. “But I’m not alone. I have Deke and Dani and Caleb. Really, I have so many people in Lydon who have tried to talk with me. I was afraid then, but not so much now that I can see it for what it was.”
“Deke’s been good for you.”
It was so true, and now that Quinn could see the things Deke had done, he knew how much he was loved. “Deke loves me too. I didn’t know it until he was gone. Not long ago, I had a dream and crept into his room. I thought I was being quiet, but he knew I was there. He had me get into bed with him. At first I thought he finally wanted sex with me, but instead he told me I should sleep. I shouldn’t have been able to do it. I never let my guard down anymore, but with Deke, I did what he wanted and slept.”
“Mother told me that mates can always feel what each other need. Deke knew you needed structure and comfort, and that was what he gave you. Now you don’t seem to need that so much.”
“I think I’ll still need some of it.” He ran a hand over his head. “When Deke cut off my hair, he did it because he knew I would tear it all out. At first I thought it was a punishment, but now I understand he didn’t want me to be hurt. I remember the look in his eyes as he was shaving my head. It wasn’t satisfaction like I thought—it was sadness. He didn’t want to do it, but it was for my safety, and I get that now.”
Sean leaned in closer. “When Deke told Gareth you were his mate, even I was surprised. Mother told me about them, but until I found Gareth, I didn’t believe it. When I found out how unbelievably cruel some Alphas were, I refused to accept that there was one I would call my mate. As I spent time in Lydon, though? Everyone there was kind and considerate, and that fear I constantly felt melted away. Even after I found out I was using my powers to keep myself safe at night, they never once blamed me. They told me they would die for me, and I couldn’t understand it. Now? I get it, because I would gladly die for any of them.”
That was how Quinn felt. “I would too. Even as I tried to deny it to myself, when Dani hugged me, I wished she was my mother. And though Caleb doesn’t talk, I thought of him as another brother.”
“Yeah, about that…. Caleb can shift, but he was hurt protecting me from Ryker, and he’s worried about shifting back.”
“Oh. Maybe I can help him.”
The thought was so strange and alien. Quinn had been content to stay in his room, or to be with Deke. But now? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to spend time with Caleb or to sit with Dani and share a cup of cocoa like she’d asked him to. Maybe Deke would take him to dinner at Wolfgang’s restaurant.
“Sean?”
“Yeah, bro?”
Did Quinn have the right to ask Sean this question? Was it something he needed to save for Deke?
“What’s it like to have sex?” Before Sean could reply, Quinn rushed on. “I mean, I know the physicality of it, but… I mean, are there emotions involved? I don’t understand, but what do I do if Deke wants to….”
He turned away from Sean, afraid that he’d know the truth in Quinn’s heart.
“Deke will never hurt you. He will always love you, even if you say you can’t have sex.”
“Oh, but I want to! At least I think I do. It’s just…. Goddess, how do I even say this?” He struggled to get the words straight in his mind. “For so long I thought of Deke as my master, and now I realize he’s my mate. What if I can’t separate those feelings? I’ve never had sex with anyone who didn’t demand it or simply take what they wanted. What if I can’t with Deke?”
“Let me answer your question with one of my own. Why did you leave the room without Deke?”
The shame of the memory was burned into Quinn’s mind. “I was sitting on his lap and asked if I could hug him. He said I could. When I put my arms around him, there was this scent and it overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, I was kissing him hard on the mouth. My mind told me that what I was doing to Deke was no different than what Ryker had done to me.”
“Did Deke ask you to stop?”
“No, he… he told me to take what I needed.”
Sean got up and came around to the other side of the bed, then sat beside Quinn and put a hand on his arm.
“That’s not the words of a man who is afraid of being hurt. It’s a mate letting his partner know that it’s okay and he’s enjoying it. Deke wants you so much. He’s been waiting until you’re ready. When you reacted as you did, he thought maybe you and he could finally talk about being mated.”
Oh.“And I ruined it.”
Sean leaned back. “What? No! That’s not what happened at all. You panicked, and Deke recognized your reaction for what it was. He wanted to comfort you and assure you it was all okay.”
Quinn scowled at Sean. “How can you know?”
He pulled Quinn back into his arms. “I was the Mother’s vessel for years. When I tell you her feelings on something like this, you can pretty much take it to the bank.” He squeezed harder. “And you’re my brother, and I won’t ever lie to you.”
“I thought I heard Deke tonight,” Quinn said quietly.
“Maybe you did.”
That wasn’t the response Quinn was expecting. “But how?”
“Well….” Sean scratched his head. “Let me try to explain this. You know how Lyram can feel the pack in his head? Or how Gareth can? It’s a lot like that. Mother wanted to make it so that mates could speak without words. It goes toward the trust that needs to be part of a mated pair. Gareth and I can speak with our minds.”
“But it’s because you’re an Omega, right?”
“Honestly? I think every mated pair will be able to. It keeps them connected with each other, even if they’re far apart. When Ryker took me back to the pack, we were hundreds of miles away, but I could still hear Gareth. Maybe you’re hearing Deke too. I’m not sure, to be honest.”
Quinn closed his eyes.Deke? Can you hear me?
Silence was his only answer, but now a strand of hope wove its way through Quinn’s heart as he prayed to Mother Moon to be allowed to talk to Deke again.
Because being without Deke was killing him.
