Page 28 of Waiting on Life
Toby
It was far too late to be calling my sister, but I needed to talk to her. My hands shook when I drew the phone from my pocket and pressed Call.
“H’lo?”
“Hey, Tam. Sorry about waking you. Tell Mel I’m sorry for waking her too.”
She chuckled. “I sincerely doubt that, and Mel’s working late night this week, so you don’t have to worry about her. What’s going on?”
A thousand ways of explaining the situation bounced around in my mind, and not one of them sounded right to me. How could I ask Tammy if she thought there was something wrong with my head?
“Toby?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.” I drew in a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. “When did you know you were a lesbian?”
“I’m bi, Toby. I’ve been with both men and women, but the first time I kissed Mel, that was it for me,” she replied. “It felt right in a way nothing else had. It was as though everything I wanted in life was poured into that moment. Why do you ask?”
“Do you think it’s possible for people to get to thirty-two and question their sexuality? Does it change?” I chewed the inside of my cheek, waiting for her to answer.
“What aren’t you telling me? Are you questioning yours?”
I scratched my neck. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”
There was no way I could be sure of her reaction. I expected some teasing at least, but Tam wasn’t like that when I was being serious.
“That’s fine. Many people do at times in their lives. It’s normal.”
“Does sexuality change? I mean, can I be straight, then decide I’m gay?”
She chuckled again. “No, it doesn’t work like that. We don’t make a choice to be gay, just like people don’t choose to be straight. Or, at least, not without being miserable in their lives. What is sexuality? It’s more like learning things about ourselves that we didn’t know before. Like, let’s say you’ve never liked someone with green eyes before, but you find yourself looking into a person’s eyes and you’re not seeing them, you’re lost in those eyes.
“But what if it’s someone of a gender you never thought you’d be with.”
“Okay, let me ask why you think you’re attracted to him.”
That answer was so easy, yet so difficult. “I met a guy. His name is Kyle, and he’s… I don’t even know how to describe him. He’s sweet, warm, and kind. I like talking with him, you know?”
“All right, do you think about having sex with him? Do you fantasize about sucking his dick? Or maybe sliding into his ass? What about him being on top and fucking you?”
“Tammy!” I couldn’t believe she was being so blatant. “Seriously?”
She chuckled. “I’m not trying to be crass, I swear. I’m trying to understand.”
Now that she put the idea into my head, I sure was thinking about it. I wondered if Kyle was proportional. He was slender, so would his dick be? If I put it in my mouth, would I puke? And if he wanted it, could I let him fuck me?
“You’re overthinking,” Tammy chided. “What makes you think you’re attracted to this guy?”
At least that question was easy. “He’s kind and considerate. I like talking to him, and he makes me smile.”
“Mm-hm. And that’s it?”
What the hell more did she need? “What do you mean?”
“Okay, I’m gonna lay this out for you. Most people I know look at a person’s body and think about that.”
“I did look at his body. I thought he was a girl at first.”
“So he’s effeminate?”
