Page 53 of Waiting on Life
It wasn’t a promise I could easily keep. I clutched him to me, burying my face in his hair.
“His name was Frank, and I thought I knew what love was. I mean, he was always sweet and charming and funny, but we never went anywhere, he never introduced me to his friends, and there’d be long stretches where I wouldn’t see him and he wouldn’t return my texts. One night I found out why. I’d gone out after class with some friends and saw Frank there with a group of people. I went up and said hi, and this woman puts an arm around his waist and says, ‘Honey, who’s this?’”
Oh, fuck no. “He was married?”
“With three kids. He told her I was just someone he knew, and he had to talk to me for a few minutes. He all but dragged me outside of the bar and threw me into the wall, telling me if I ever spoke to him again, he’d beat me. Then he punched me in the face to show me how serious he was. Almost broke my nose, the fucker.” He laughed, but it turned into a harsh, body-shuddering sob. I squeezed him harder, wanting him to get strength from me. “This is the point where my therapist pulls out boxes of tissues. I’ve mostly moved on, but sometimes my mind comes back to it, and Frank’s ugly mug is staring at me, grinning.”
Fury surged through me that someone—anyone—could treat another person like that, but more because it was Kyle.MyKyle.
“He called and told me he wanted us to still see each other, and I laughed in his face. Well, in his phone. A few nights later, he showed up with his friend, Carl.”
No. No, no, no. Please, don’t say what I think you’re going to.
“I told them to leave or I’d call the cops. One of them slammed against the door, and that flimsy chain broke, the bits flying throughout the room. They came in and crowded me into a corner. I screamed, but no one came to help me. Frank dragged me into the bedroom and told Carl I liked it rough. The two of them took turns holding me down while the other one had hisfun. Through it all, I kept telling them I didn’t want it, but my body betrayed me. I had an orgasm. Frank laughed and said that proved I was into it.” Kyle buried his face in my chest, muffling the words, but I still heard every one of them clear as day. “I believed it. I thought because I came, I must have liked it. It took the nightmares and Sandy Jarod, my therapist, to tell me that it was a reaction to the sensations, nothing more. It wasn’t in any way me liking it or anything remotely like that.”
He was quiet then, and I couldn’t do or say anything. My anger burned white-hot, and I knew if I opened my mouth, I’d scream.
“He called again after that, wanting to get together. I told him I was going to report him to the police. He said I didn’t have the balls.”
“How long is he in prison for?”
Kyle snort-laughed-sobbed. “God, I love you.” He froze and tried to jerk away, but I held tight. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
But he did. I could hear it in his voice
I tucked a knuckle under his chin and lifted. “So you don’t love me? Because I love you. More than I ever thought possible.”
I’d been waiting for the perfect time to say the words, but this proved to me that it didn’t and never would exist. Kyle needed me, my strength—further proof that I wasn’t going to be the guy who’d walk away when things got tough.
“I love you, Kyle.”
He shook his head, tears glistening on his cheeks. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it.”
“I do when I mean it.”
I wasn’t going to do anything more than hold him, because I wasn’t sure what he could handle.
“Like I said, I’m better now. Lots of therapy has helped. I’m not afraid of sex anymore.”
That was a good thing. “How about for now, we lie here and hold each other?”
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know you were looking forward to this. I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
Oh, my poor Kyle. “You’ve ruined nothing. I’m grateful to you for trusting me with your secret, and you have to know I’ll never share with anyone.”
He shrugged. “I keep thinking I should tell Pete, but…. We always joked about me being a slut, and this might be the one that pushes him over the edge.”
“You know he won’t do that. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that Pete is going to be that friend you won’t ever lose.”
We didn’t say anything else for the next several hours. We lay in bed, Kyle’s head on my chest, him clutching my hand as I stroked my other hand over his hair. At one point Waldo came in and curled between us, putting his paw on Kyle’s leg. The three of us stayed there until Kyle fell asleep.
I laid there hours longer, holding the man I loved.
Kyle
When I woke, I was still nestled against Toby, his big, meaty hand holding me close. He’d said he loved me, and that made me shiver, because other than my family and Pete, no one ever uttered those words to me. I wanted to question it, to find out how much of it was because he felt sorry for what happened to me, but his words had been too genuine for it to be anything but the truth.
That was another thing. When I told him the story, there hadn’t been an ounce of pity from Toby. He’d listened and reacted calmly and rationally. Sure, I knew he was seething on the inside. The tension in his body told me that, but he’d pushed that aside out of concern for me. And how amazing was that? For the first time in my life, someone loved me. Not tolerated me. Not used me for sex. Lovedme.
