Page 29 of Waiting on Life
Was he? “No. Well, yeah. I mean…. He’s got some mannerisms, but I don’t know that I would say he’s effeminate. He’s just… Kyle.”
“Okay, let me try something different. When’s the last time you dated anyone?”
“Rochelle, I guess, but that’s been a year or so.”
“And you haven’t dated anyone since then? What about sex? Any hookups?”
“No.” I scowled, even if she couldn’t see me. “You know I don’t do hookups.”
“One more question. What attracts you most to a person?”
The urge to talk about boobs or a nice ass was on the tip of my tongue, but that wasn’t what came out of my mouth. “I want someone I can talk with. They need to have something more than a sexy body, because we found out that looks can change fast.”
Mom had a mastectomy when she was forty. She was so worried Dad wouldn’t love her anymore, but he sat us all down and told us that love was more than a body, because those would change over the years. To prove his point, he stood and jiggled his stomach, telling us that when he and Mom had gotten together, he’d had a six-pack.
“Okay, I think I have it all in my head. Have you ever heard the term demisexual?”
“Um… no, should I?”
“Have youeverhad a hookup?”
“No.”
“And before you sleep with someone, you need to get to know them first, right?”
“Of course. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” I paused. “What’s a demisexual?”
The sound of tapping filtered through the phone. “I’m going to give you the description from a website. Keep in mind, this is just my initial answer, all right?”
“Sure.”
“Here it is. Listen, it’s going to be dry and boring, but I don’t have all the answers, so I need to turn to the internet. According to Wiki,‘A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else—whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship—the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only toward the specific partner or partners.’”
“I….” Was that me? I mean, I looked at Kyle when we first met, but that wasn’t what drew me to him. “I don’t know.”
“And that’s fine. There’s a spectrum of sexualities out there. You might find one you fit in, or maybe you’ll find none of them suit you. But you need to know, I will always have your back.” She sighed. “Now, tell me about Kyle.”
That was the easiest part of the conversation. I told her everything, from our initial meeting to the offer of breakfast. Through it all, she stayed quiet.
“And that brings us to today.”
“He sounds lovely.”
“Why are you not more shocked by this?”
“Because I know you. You’ve always been the kind of guy who stressed over whether someone liked you, and when you thought they might, you went into a meltdown.”
“But I’ve never been attracted to a man,” I told her.
“And you haven’t been attracted to that many women either,” she reminded me. “You’re looking for a very specific person. One who has the same hopes and dreams as you. One you’re able to build a life with. The label isn’t what’s important. Gay, straight, bisexual, or any of the pantheon of sexualities, they’re something we’re expected to choose from, but it’s not that simple. It never has been. When we were in school, I had crushes on guys and girls, but girls were what I was drawn to. Am I saying I’ll never find a guy attractive? No, of course not. Will I act on it? Nope. I have the person I love.”
“So how do I know I’m not bisexual?”
“In the broadest sense of the word, you could well be, but there are others that might fit better for you. And please, I’m not saying you have to define yourself. Take life one day at a time. If this Kyle is the one you’re thinking about, then see where it goes.”
“It’s all so weird,” I muttered.
“No, it’s only strange because society tells us we all need to fit into this mold they put us in, but very few people do. We bought into the hype about being straight, being married, having kids, and the whole ball of wax. Remember Julie from school? She was so certain she had to be straight, there was no other option that she’d accept. To that end, she went to reparative therapy, and to this day she’s miserable, because it’s not who she is but who she thinks she needs to be in order to find happiness.”
