Page 37 of Waiting on Life
She chuckled. “Trust me, he won’t see it that way. Like I said, he wants to take care of you, so he won’t be upset at all. But what do you say we go out today, you and me? We can get to know each other, and I can answer any questions you have.”
“I think I’d prefer Toby to tell me things he wants me to know. No offense.”
The answering laugh was light, almost lyrical. “None taken, but that wasn’t what I meant. I love my brother, but he’s… a tough nut. He’s one of those stoic, nothing-bothers-me kind of people. Never take his silence as something bad. Most times it’s him processing through things. Besides, I’ll buy lunch.”
Okay, I have to admit,nowI was tempted. “Where?” I asked, just to see if it was worth the trip.
“Anywhere you want to go.” She blew out a breath. “When Toby called last night, there was something… I don’t know. Different? For our whole lives, I’m not sure Toby has ever been truly happy. He’s dated, and he had a connection with the people he was seeing, but even when I saw them together, Toby was uncertain if things between them would work out. It wasn’t on his part. He’s an amazing man, and he’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. The thing was, yes, Toby got along with them on a mental level, but the… intimacy wasn’t there for them. He was hooked, but I think the women saw it as more them having fun.”
Poor Toby. Tammy was telling me he had a big heart and other people had stomped all over it.
“It wasn’t their fault,” she hastened to add. “Toby wanted something they weren’t prepared to give. See, he overthinks things. Sex? Yeah, that’ll take him a while to get to. He has to go through all the possibilities before he’d even consider it. He moves at a turtle’s pace, because he doesn’t believe you can rush things. Now, I don’t know if you’re looking for a commitment or even if you want a relationship, but—”
“I think I do. I mean, we haven’t known each other all that long, but Toby makes me feel… special, I guess.”
“That’s his gift,” she told me. “Whoever is with Toby will be the luckiest person on the planet, because they’ll be his whole world.”
I could see that when we were at the bar. Toby’s face had gone hard and red, and he was shaking with what I assumed as anger. When Pete told me that Toby wouldn’t stop looking at me, I figured it was because he was the boss. Was there really something else there?
“Did he tell you about his dream?”
“You mean, the farm? Yeah, he told me.”
She hummed. “See, he’s never shared that with anyone else outside the family. He’s never really wanted anything for himself, except that farm. He dreams of a life with one person who will see him as something more than a big guy with tattoos.”
“I do,” I whispered. Because I did. I saw Toby with a heart bigger than anyone I’d ever met. He was kind and giving, fiercely loyal and protective.
“I believe you do,” Tammy said. “If you didn’t, I don’t know that Toby would be that into you.”
The memories flashed through my head. The hug, the kiss, the touches. Yes, I’d known Toby only a few weeks, but in that time, he had somehow burrowed his way into my heart.
And I found I didn’t mind at all.
Kyle
“And then he tried to bandage the bird’s wing, all the while it’s squawking and squirming. Toby’s there, swearing he’s trying to make the bird feel better, and why couldn’t it just work with him.”
I laughed at the image of six-year-old Toby holding a sparrow while trying to put something on his wing. “Why was he doing it anyway?”
“He saw it fall from a tree, and the only thing he knew about first aid was that Mom would put a bandage on a wound and kiss it to make him feel better. That’s what he was trying to do. The thing that made it funny? When he tried to press a kiss to the wing, the bird nipped his nose. But you can’t tell Toby not to help, even when he gets bit.” She drained her glass of Sprite, then set it back down. “He’s a nurturer. He can’t stand to see anyone or anything in pain. Even if it means he feels the pain himself.”
The more Tammy talked, the more I wanted to hear Toby’s version of the story. I know I said I wanted to hear them from Toby himself, but this was giving me an insight I doubt he’d have shared.
“You love your brother,” I said. It was obvious from the way she talked about him. There was a smile that never left her eyes.
“With my whole heart,” she replied. “Toby is… he’s not like anyone else around. He’s gruff, yes, and he takes no bullshit from anyone. There’s a core there that’s solid and true, though. It makes him the most reliable person I’ve ever met.” She peered into her glass, staring as though she was seeing something no one else could. “When I came out to our folks, I was terrified. I’d heard the stories of being forced into a camp, or being beaten and kicked out, or sometimes worse things. Toby found me crying in the basement one day, and he came over and wrapped me in a hug, then asked me what was wrong.”
Her story was breaking my heart. I knew kids like the ones she was describing.
“And what did you say?”
She picked up the empty glass and held it tight in her left hand, staring into it like it held answers to life’s questions. “I had decided I would keep my secret and live my life as a straight girl. I mean, I’m bisexual, so it shouldn’t be hard, right? Only… it felt like cutting myself in half and stuffing part of me back in the closet. I didn’t want to do that, and it was tearing me up inside. After the first six months, I was living a lie, and I knew it. Toby is two years younger than me, so it should have been him who was able to come to me.”
“No, that’s not right,” I insisted. “You should be able to—”
“I know,” she cut in, her cheeks flushing. She put down her glass. I reached for mine and handed it to her. She gave a grateful smile. “Toby read me the riot act for trying to shoulder this all by myself. He said he would never abandon me no matter what. We sat in that stuffy basement, sweat pouring from both of us. Then he asked the question that got me to, pardon the expression, man up. ‘Do you think Mom and Dad would stop loving you for even an instant? Our parents?’ And that got me thinking, and once I pushed past the stomachache and nausea, I pulled myself up and went to talk to them. I sat down, knowing I had to do this. Toby took the seat beside me and reached under the table for my hand.”
This made me feel like I was in that moment with her, and I wanted to comfort her too, even though I knew already that it had been years ago.
