Page 22 of Property of BamBam
Then he started demanding the majority of my paycheck for the bills. When he didn’t feel it was enough, he would smack me. Nothing major, and again, since I was grateful to have a place to live, I ignored it because he always apologized, saying he was just stressed.
By the time I found out I was pregnant with Theo, I wanted out and had started tucking away money here and there where he wouldn’t find it,except with the pregnancy, which was rough, I was often on bedrest between working. I honestly felt stuck at that point in time and wasn’t sure what I was going to do. It’s not like we had shelters in town for anyone dealing with domestic abuse. Plus, his parents have become ‘important’ in town, so I knew it was unlikely that anyone would risk going against them to help me.
The day I ran with Theo and the few things I could stuff in a backpack was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. By then, he was constantly going out, drinking, and cheating on me and when he came home, Theo was a little bit fussy. He was going to hurt my baby and there was no way that was going to happen! So, I fought back and then was able to clock him with the cast iron skillet.
Sorry, Mom, but I had to leave that behind because I was pretty beat up myself. Still, I knew if he woke up and I was still there, he’d probably kill me or hurt Theo, so I ran as far as I possibly could. Someone finally stopped and helped us. In fact, I’m apparently under the protection of the Kings of Anarchy in West Texas, can you believe that?
Oh, I know what you’re probably thinking, Daddy, but honestly, they’re the lesser of two evils as far as I’m concerned. The man who rescued me, who goes by BamBam, and another guy, who’s a prospect named Mongrel, went and bought the things I needed for Theo and myself. Then, they took us to their clubhouse, which is part of the Triple R Ranch. I know you’ll recognize that name, Daddy, because of the rodeos you used to take me to when I was younger.
Everyone was very kind to me, they even found Hope House, which has been a godsend. I don’t always like the homework my therapist gives me, but I’ve come to realize that all the stuff Jasper spewed at me is simply not true. I’m nowhere near healed, of course, at least emotionally, but the physical stuff is slowly getting better. My left arm is still in a cast, and I have a few more weeks of that, but outside of twinges when I breathe because of the cracked ribs, all the bruises are gone.
I’m sorry if I let you down by moving in with Jasper. I let myself down more, especially since I had a great example of how a loving relationship should look. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get involved with anyone ever again. I don’t think I cantrust another man, but I guess that’s what therapy is for, to teach me to recognize the signs before everything goes sideways.
I like the town, it’s not far outside of El Paso, so of course, it’s hot, but once they allow me to do so, I want to get a job so I can support myself and Theo. Eventually, I’d like to go to school as well so I can get an actual career, not just a job, but that’ll be a little bit, I’m sure.
Beth says to take things one at a time. The first and most important thing is for me to physically heal. She said she’s going to help me unpack all the crap that Jasper shoveled at me because she can tell how I am now, isn’t how I always was. That probably makes no sense whatsoever, but when she gave me this homework assignment, she said not to worry about perfection, to just write, which is what I’ve been doing.
Oh! I also started keeping a journal. It reminded me of you, Mom, and how you’d jot down things that you were grateful for after you did your morning bible study. I’m not ready for that, though. I think I’m mad at God to be honest. If I’m one of His children, why did everything happen to me the way it did? I know, I know, He’s gotbig shoulders and can handle my anger, but I’m honestly not sure I can ever repair the way I felt about His love for me after all I’ve gone through.
I guess it’s going to be a wait and see game where that’s concerned. Like I said, the most important thing is Theo. He’s already much calmer than he was, which tells me that he was picking up on the stress that was always present whenever Jasper was home. That makes me feel like a horrible mother, to be frank.
He’s so cute, though. He’s a bit of a chunky monkey, that’s for sure. He doesn’t miss any meals and while he still doesn’t do much other than eat, sleep, and fill up his diaper (which can be disgusting!!!!!), when he hears my voice, he makes these cute noises and swings his arms around. He’s so easy to love. I know I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he gets everything he needs to succeed in life, just like y’all did for me.
I miss y’all, so so much. My pregnancy with Theo wasn’t easy at all and there were so many times I wanted you here, Mom, because I was scared. He wouldn’t let me see the doctor all that much because it was a man, so when I had some problems, I had to go to the emergency room. Thenhe got mad because my blood pressure was high, and I had to go on bedrest. It’s not like he took any time off from any of the jobs he worked while we were together either! I was expected to keep the house up and cook for him, even though the doctor at the hospital was insistent that I needed to be taking it easy. I’m glad that the things I had to do didn’t seem to hurt Theo all that much.
I wish you could see him; he looks like I did as a baby, chubby cheeks and all. He’s already busting out of his clothes again, which is another reason for me to get a good job because otherwise, he’s going to be a naked baby running around!
Well, I have group therapy now, so I’m going to run. Just know that I think about y’all every single day and wish you were still here.
Love always,
Livy
I’m emotionally spent by the time I head downstairs with Theo in my arms for group therapy. Ashley makes grabby hands when she sees me, so I hand over my baby and find a seat. If nothing else, Theo is being spoiled by the other women who are here. Even the house mother, Grace, manages to squeeze time in with him.
“Ladies, how have the past few days been going for y’all?” Beth asks once we’re all settled.
“I feel like my head is a jumbled mess,” I confess when no one else says anything. “Will it get better?”
Beth nods then says, “Healing isn’t linear, which might not make sense to any of you right now. Each of you has come from different walks of life, of course, but you’re bonded by the fact that you’ve all endured domestic abuse. And that looks different for each one of you as well. Livy, you came from a loving home life until your parents passed away. Briley, your family of origin was immersed in addiction and alcohol, so yours was more dysfunctional. Yet, there’s a commonality between the two of you. All four of you belong to a club that nobody wants to partake in, and one of the things I want all of y’all to realize is that when it comes to DV, it’s all over the map. Some people endure physical abuse that’s far worse than any of y’all can fathom. Others are so broken down in their spirit that they feel they deserve what they’re getting. Our goal at Hope House is to help each person who comes through those doors unpack the baggage of their past, heal the emotional and mental trauma, and come out stronger on the other side. While there are people who heal quickly, I’ll caution you by saying this—some of the healing that’s doneisquick, while there are some areas that will take far longer than you were immersed in it. Like I said, it’s not a linear journey. What works for one of you may not work as well with another. Still, sharing your stories with each other will hopefully help you pull strength to deal with your own situation.”
“That makes sense,” Marge gruffly states. “There are days I’m so damn mad at the whole world and I find myself asking ‘why me?’ when certain things cross my mind. Then there are other dayswhen I give myself grace enough to realize that right now is just another step on my journey through life.”
“I don’t like feeling stupid,” Briley confesses. “I feel like I was smarter than that so how on earth did I end up in that situation?”
“And all of what y’all are thinking and feeling is valid,” Beth conveys. “In a lot of ways, you’ll go through those five stages of grief that people usually attribute to the loss of a loved one. You have to let go of what you thought you had, get angry about the fact that someone else is so insecure in themselves that in order to feel bigger they had to denigrate and belittle you, recognize the things you need to change about yourself so you don’t fall into old patterns, mourn losses that occurred along the way, and eradicate the false belief systems that so many have about themselves which makes them a prime target for an abuser.”
“Are you saying they target us?” Ashley asks.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Beth replies. “Think about your own situation for a minute. If you didn’t believe certain things about yourself based on your past, would you have been with the person you were with, or would you have recognized the red flags?”
I’m nodding at her words, then decide to speak up. “I dated Jasper in high school, but there were some things he did that I didn’t like, plus my parents noticed a few concerning behaviors. I broke up with him then and used the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, but when my parents died and I had to move out of the house we were in because it was a rental, I had nowhere else to go. I knew, deep inside, that it probably wasn’t a good idea, but I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place,” I admit.
“Jasper took advantage of your grief and vulnerability,” Beth says. “Then, he continued to chip away at the woman you were meant to be.”
“I was going to leave then I found out I was pregnant with Theo,” I slowly say. “While I love him with all my heart, I was a little bit angry because I felt like I was stuck. I knew if it was just me, I could stay anywhere and put up with shitty jobs to feed myself, but I wouldn’t be able to do that with a baby.”
“Sure would like to get my hands on that asshole,” Marge grumbles. “Sounds like he needs a come to Jesus meeting.”
