Page 16 of Beneath the Scars
“When do we start?”
Chapter 9
Addie
Michael barks out a laugh. His whole body softens, and then he’s holding out a hand to me. “Come here, Trouble.”
I take his hand and, with his guidance, settle across his lap. He wraps the fingers of one hand around the top of both my wrists while his other arm stretches across my back to rest on my hip. I relax into his chest, my head on his shoulder. He’s so much bigger than I am, and I fit so snugly against his body.
Being this close to Michael is making my brain fritz. He’s always struggled with physical contact. We’ve only ever hugged or touched if he initiated it, and those instances were few and far between. I’m practically lying on him right now, and he seems more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him.
I asked him why he needed me to make a list of my limits, but after I began researching, I understood immediately. Sharing his limits with someone who understands the importance of such a thing would offer an immeasurable amount of comfort for him. Until recently, I hadn’t thought about how his aversion to being touched would impact his sex life. Knowing he’s found an outlet gives me an odd sense of happiness…that’s followed swiftly by jealousy of all the women he’s shared this part of himself with.
“What do soft limits mean to you?” Michael’s question pulls me from my thoughts.
“I consider them my yellow light limits. I’m nervous about them, and I’m not sure if I’d enjoy them. They’re the ones I’d be okay with never experiencing if you didn’t want to do them, but I’m willing to try if you want to.”
His lips press against my forehead, and I’m pretty sure my heart just melted into a puddle. Not a single moment of this feels real.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, Adalaide. I should’ve known you’d take this seriously even if you gave me shit for assigning you homework.”
I huff out a laugh. “I didn’t understand at first, but once I started researching about BDSM, it all made sense. Will you explain your touching limit in more detail? I don’t want to do anything that’s going to bother you.”
“Hands. I have a difficult time with hands being on me unless I’m prepared for it.”
I glance down at how he’s holding mine gently in his hand. “So you don’t mind my body being against yours, but if I randomly touch you with my hands, it’s triggering?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
There’s a long pause. “My stepdad used to gently rub my back or shoulder before stubbing out his cigarette against my skin.” Michael’s words send ice through my veins. “He enjoyed playing mind games. Sometimes he’d gently touch me and then walk away, leaving me in heightened awareness of the pain that wouldn’t come. Other times, he’d strike me without any warning. It was always when I wasn’t paying attention, so I became hyperaware of my surroundings.”
Tears burn behind my eyes, but I force them away.Michael isn’t looking for sympathy. He’s simply explaining the reason he is the way he is. I squeeze his hand instead of saying anything. I’m not sure I could cough out a word through the emotions clogging my throat anyway.
“You’re the only one who’s never made my skin crawl when we touch.”
I straighten to stare at Michael. It’s as if a bomb just dropped in the middle of the room. “It really feels that way when we hug you?”
He shifts the hand on my hip to brush the hair off my face. “It’s gotten easier over the years, but yes. I’ve never felt comfortable with physical affection. For some reason, you’re the only person who has never triggered my instinct to protect myself—with one minor exception.”
I frown at him, my silent question lining my face. His dark gaze softens, a self-deprecating smile quirking up the side of his mouth.
“That day you tried to kiss me and I flinched? I never imagined you’d ever want to, so I had no idea what you were doing, and my body reacted before I knew what was happening. Then you rushed off before I could explain.”
My jaw drops. “That’s why you recoiled?” God, it makes so much more sense now. “I always believed you were disgusted with the idea of kissing me.”
Michael snorts. “Hardly. I’d been thinking about it all summer but was terrified of how I would react to the touch. I’d never allowed anyone close enough to try it out. In fact, I didn’t have my first kiss until I went to the police academy.”
“No way.”
“It’s true. After what happened with you, I figured if I wasn’t ready to kiss the girl I’d been fantasizing about all summer, I definitely wasn’t going to try it with someone random. For the record, my first kiss was horrible.I’ve been kicking myself ever since that I couldn’t get my shit together enough to kiss you back.”
“Wow. I thought you were horrified by the idea. You were so distant afterward.”
“I’m sorry, Trouble. I truly wish I could go back and do it differently.”
I take in the handsome man I’ve been in love with almost my whole life. “I don’t. I wasn’t mature enough to understand what you’d need from me. We both needed time to learn about ourselves first before we’d be successful together.”
