Page 93 of Midnight Between Us
I stare down at the table.There’s a small stuffed dinosaur among the snacks.Probably something Everly dropped earlier.I pick it up and run my thumb along the stitching.
“He looked at me today like he was still mine,” I whisper.“And for a second, I wanted to believe it.I wanted to forget everything and just let myself want him again.”
“What would it take,” Nysa asks, “for you to let yourself want that again?”
I don’t answer.Because I’m not sure if I ever want to feel again.Maybe it would take a time machine.Perhaps it would take him rewriting every word of the past twenty years with proof that he wouldn’t leave again.
Maybe it would just take him showing up.
But for now, I let myself sit here with my friends.With tequila, tea, and pastries.
I take another sip of my margarita.
Breathe in.
And finally—finally—start to let go.
ChapterForty-Three
Keir
The letter’sedges are soft now—creased in the middle from where I unfolded it too quickly, like I could control the ache in my chest by closing the words before they got too loud.
My thumb hovers over the seal of the next one.The handwriting is slightly messier than the others—rushed.Was she nervous while writing it or in pain?
I brace myself as I start reading it.
Keir,
He’s here.
This whole birthing thing is not for the faint of heart.The pain, the big needle they stick on your back, the ...it was an experience that I forgot when they handed me the most beautiful baby in the world.
He’s adorable.
My breath catches.My eyes scan faster, even though I know I shouldn’t rush this.I was supposed to be there with her.Not almost twenty years later, reading a letter where I find out how much I fucked up as a father.
Lyndon.That’s his name.Pria, Jacob, and I came up with that name.They’re very supportive and have been so patient with me.I still don’t know if I want to give him up for adoption.However, they’ve been there for me all this time.Supporting me, giving me advice, and just letting me feel like I have a family.
This is what I want for him, and I don’t think I can provide it.As I keep going to therapy, I’m beginning to understand that what I had at home wasn’t love.My grandparents used me to hurt Nina, and to be the perfect child.I was their second chance to get this right—and I failed them.
However, I don’t plan on failing myself like Nina did.But let’s not talk about that, and focus on Lyndon instead.
I think he has your eyes.
I didn’t want to see it.I tried not to, but he does.He came out screaming like the world owed him an explanation.Then he looked at me like I was supposed to have one ready.
My chest foldsin on itself.There’s no air.No words.Just the name sitting like lead behind my ribs.
Lyndon.
He has my eyes.He looked at her like she was supposed to explain why I wasn’t there.Because I’m a failure and he deserved a lot better than a half-assed man who can’t even tell the woman he loves that ...well, that he loves her.
The nurse offeredto take him from me after the delivery so I could rest.I told her no.I needed to hold him.Needed to memorize every inch in case they decided he couldn’t stay with me long.I counted his toes three times.Kissed his fingers until he fell asleep.Whispered your name like it meant something more than absence.
I’m notready for this.
I close my eyes, but it doesn’t help.I see her.Sixteen.Pale.Sweating.Crying, maybe.Probably alone in some cold hospital room that smelled like bleach and sterile apologies.She would’ve had her hair braided or twisted into a knot to keep it out of her face, biting down on whatever was left of her hope.
