Page 94 of Midnight Between Us
And I wasn’t there.
He’s supposedto go with Pria and Jacob in a couple of days.It’s painful, you know ...to think that maybe this is the only time I’ll be spending with him.Pria assures me that if I decide to keep him, they’ll still support me.If I give him up, I can be as involved as I want to be.
But let’s not focus on the sad part—let me tell you that he’s very small.I’m not sure if he’ll be as tall as the Timberbridges, but who knows.
He’s loud and stubborn ...and I know you’d say he gets that from me, but you were like that too when no one was watching.You were soft with things that couldn’t fight back.
God.
I’m scared he’ll hate me one day.That he’ll think I didn’t love him enough to keep him.But the truth is—I loved him too much to let him stay.And I hate you for not being here.For making me do this alone.
I set the letter down.
Not because I’m done.
Because I can’t hold it anymore.
I drop my head into my hands, and I try to remember how to breathe like a human being.I try not to picture her crying while holding the baby I didn’t know we had.I try not to think about how brave she must’ve been—or how scared.How it must’ve felt when the nurse came back in and said, “Time’s up.”
Time’s up.
No mother should ever hear that.
I blink hard.The walls of the library blur.This house that’s kept me isolated for weeks—suddenly, it feels like a tomb.
I was supposed to be a protector.
That’s the story I tell myself.That’s the myth I built after I left.I said I ran to protect her.I said staying would’ve turned me into my father.
But reading these letters, I don’t see someone who was spared.I see someone who broke open quietly and bled on paper because I wasn’t brave enough to stay and witness it.
I reach for the letter again.
My hands are shaking now, but I don’t care.I keep reading.
I’ve told him everything.I told him about the maple trees in spring.About your stupid jokes and the way you used to sneak Oreos out of the employee lounge of your mom’s company.I told him his dad used to fight for kids who had no one else.That once upon a time, you saved me from boys twice your size.That maybe, deep down, you were always trying to save yourself too.
Now that I’ve met him, I feel sorry for you.Sorry that you might never experience the joy of meeting him and the love he has to give.
Sincerely,
Simone
I pressthe paper to my chest like that might put something back together.
It doesn’t.
I close my eyes.
And I let myself cry.
Not like before.Not from guilt or confusion.This time, it’s grief.Pure and brutal.
I missed everything.
His birth.
Their entire beginning.
