Page 14 of Before We Break Again
I can feel a lump rising in my throat, and the longer he talks, the more unsettled I become.
“And after that, you went abroad, worked with FIFA teams, the IOC Medical Program.Then you came back and joined EXOS Sports Medicine.You pushed yourself to the limit, trying to prove something to people who, from what I just witnessed, don’t give two fucks.”
I don’t know what to say.It’s one thing to live this life, to work hard and fight for everything I’ve achieved, but it’s something else entirely to hear him recite it back to me.It feels ...too close.
“I know your parents still don’t understand you,” he continues, his voice gentler now.“I know they act like you’re some kind of hero for becoming a doctor but can’t forgive you for who you loved.And I’m pretty sure that’s why you push people away.”
His words sting, bringing up things I thought I’d buried long ago.The judgment.The shame.The way my parents still treat me like I’m something broken, tainted by loving two boys.By surrendering my heart, soul, and everything to Dustin and Santos.I thought I’d moved on from it.But hearing him bring it up makes it feel fresh all over again.
I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to stop the emotions from bubbling up.He’s not wrong, but hearing him say it out loud feels like ripping off a bandage I thought had healed.
“And I know,” he finishes, his voice barely a whisper now, “that you love Santos enough to know that he needs your help.”
My heart skips a beat, but I keep my eyes fixed on the road, trying to focus on anything but the way his words are tearing me apart.
I pull the car over to the side of the highway, my hands trembling as they grip the steering wheel.The engine hums softly in the background, a low vibration that does nothing to settle the storm inside me.I sit there, staring straight ahead, my mind racing, my heart pounding against my ribs.
“Why didn’t you let me see you while you were keeping tabs on me?”I finally ask.The words spill out, raw and vulnerable.“That’s why there was Carson, Leo, and ...all the others.I had to do this without either of you so I sought comfort where I could, tried to find love in places that never felt right.Ineededyou.I needed him.”
He doesn’t respond immediately, and when he does, his voice is rough, thick with emotion.“I was a fucking mess, Halsey.You didn’t need my shit.You already tried to put me together once.”
His words hang between us, the silence stretching out, heavy, asphyxiating.He’s right.I had tried to fix him, to save him from the darkness that consumed him back then.It wasn’t just me though, Santos helped me too.It was us who brought his smile back, who made his heart beat again.
Then what happened to him, why is he broken?
“I’ve watched you, Hals.All these years.I never stopped paying attention.Even when we didn’t talk.Even when you didn’t see me.I was close.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut, leaving me winded.I grip the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles aching from the pressure.I don’t want to feel this way—pulled back into a past I’ve spent so long trying to bury.But the admission, that he’s been there, hovering just beyond my reach, watching while I pretended to forget—it breaks something inside me.
I open my mouth to speak, but I don’t even know what to say.Why did he wait so long to come to me, only to pull me back into their lives when everything feels so uncertain, broken?When I’m finally beginning to feel like I’ve moved on?Or at least, I thought I had.
Dusty leans back in the seat, his posture relaxed in a way that feels too deliberate, as if he’s trying to seem unaffected when I can feel the tension radiating from him.His gaze shifts back to the window, and the silence stretches, heavy and filled with everything we’re both too afraid to say.
Finally, I break the silence.“What if I say no?”I ask.
He doesn’t look at me, but his lips twitch slightly, the closest thing to a smile I’ve seen since he showed up at my clinic.“You won’t.”
His certainty frustrates me, and I shoot him a sideways glare.“How can you be so sure?”
He turns then, those forest-green eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart stutter.“Because you still care about him.About us.You wouldn’t be this angry if you didn’t.”
I grit my teeth, hating how easily he can read me, even after all these years.It’s infuriating—the way he just knows.Like no time has passed.Like nothing has changed.But everything has changed.I’m not that girl anymore.I’m not the girl who can get swept up in their world, only to be left behind again.
With a sharp inhale, I shift the car back into drive, my hands tightening on the steering wheel.The click of the turn signal feels louder than it should as I pull back onto the highway, merging into the steady flow of traffic.
“Santos needs you, Hals,” Dusty says softly.“And if there’s even a chance you can help him, how can you say no?”
I swallow hard, a knot forming in my throat.He’s right.I know he’s right, but I hate that he is.I hate that I can feel the cracks in my resolve widening with every word he says.
I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but it doesn’t help.The memories are flooding back—the way he looked at me like I was the only person who understood him.The way Dusty always hovered on the edge, pushing boundaries, keeping us both on our toes.The three of us tangled together in a way that felt like it could never be broken, until it was.
I blink hard, pushing the memories away.“And what happens after I help him?What then?”I ask, my voice is too loud, too sharp, almost angry.It’s probably the fear that they’ll leave me and I’ll have to figure out a way to breathe without their air.
“I don’t know,” he admits, and that vulnerability slips into his voice again, the one he tries so hard to hide.“But I do know that right now, he needs you more than ever.We both do.”
The way he sayswe,twists something deep inside me, the part of me that never stopped caring about either of them, even when I tried so hard to forget.
The silence stretches between us again.This is it.This is where I should say no, tell him that I can’t get involved, that I won’t let myself fall back into their orbit.But the words won’t come.Because deep down, I know he’s right.I can’t say no.
