Page 78 of Before We Break Again
“Now,” he exhales, the word laced with a kind of weary relief, “I’m realizing that pretending it didn’t hurt ...didn’t make it hurt any less.It just festered.All those years of avoiding it, avoiding the grief, it caught up to me when I lost you.When I thought I’d lost us.And I unraveled.”He pauses, his eyes flicking up to meet mine, raw and vulnerable.“For the first time, I’m letting myself feel it.The anger, the sadness.The resentment for how they treated me like an accessory when they were alive.And then ...I lost them before I could even understand what a normal family could be like.What a normal life could be.”
His voice cracks ever so slightly, and I reach out, my hand covering his, offering him the silent reassurance that he’s not alone.He looks at me, his eyes searching mine, as if the words he’s about to say are too heavy to bear on his own.
“Not until you,” he continues, his voice breaking but stronger now, more certain.“Not until Santos.That’s when I started to live again.To breathe.I fell madly in love with you, and slowly, I learned to love the boy.It was ...itisperfect.To discover that I could love two people with my whole heart, and that you two love me back ...it saved me.I love you, Halsey, I never stopped.”
Dustin’s gaze never wavers from mine, and in that instant, I know—we’re not just surviving anymore.
“I’ve been thinking about my parents too.My therapist and I keep discussing their past and current behavior,” I admit, my voice quieter now, more hesitant.The words feel heavy in my mouth, like they’ve been lodged there for far too long.“I’m going to tell them I’m done.”
Dustin’s brow furrows, a mixture of confusion and concern flickering across his face.“Done?”he asks, his voice low, cautious, like he’s afraid of what I’m about to say.
I nod, feeling the familiar knot of frustration twist in my chest.It’s a feeling I know all too well, one that’s been with me for as long as I can remember.“They’re stuck in the past,” I say, the words coming out in a rush, like I’ve been holding them back for years.“They can’t seem to move forward, always bringing up my mistake and how everything I do is wrong.Nothing I do is ever to their satisfaction unless they have to show me off to their friends.”
The knot tightens, and I feel my heart race just thinking about it.I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself.“Falling for two boys was never a mistake,” I say, my voice firmer now, as if saying the words out loud will make them true.“Making out in front of the locker ...Well, that was stupid.”I snort, the memory suddenly so vivid it makes me laugh, despite the frustration bubbling inside me.
Dustin laughs too, the sound low and warm, like it’s bubbling up from somewhere deep inside him.“Don’t forget we used to do it under the bleachers too,” he adds, his eyes crinkling at the corners.“We were really stupid kids.”
I roll my eyes, but there’s affection in my voice when I say, “Yes, very stupid.But they could’ve handled things a lot differently, Dustin.They didn’t have to make it about them or calling me names or ...taking me away from my home and my boys.”
The smile fades from my face.The frustration that’s been simmering all night rises to the surface, and I feel the years of misunderstanding and disappointment weighing me down.“They were so afraid I’d come home one day ...I don’t even know what exactly they feared.They were always so concerned about my reputation, about what people would think.Like that’s all I was to them—a reflection of their expectations.”
Dustin’s eyes darken, his hand tightening around mine.He knows this story all too well, the way my parents have clung to this version of me that no longer exists, the way they refuse to see who I’ve become.
“They’re still asking why I didn’t live the life they planned for me,” I continue, my voice tinged with bitterness.“It’s like they can’t see me for who I am now.They only see that one mistake I made.”
The words spill out of me before I can stop them, years of pent-up frustration and hurt finally breaking free.For so long, I’ve tried to be the person they wanted me to be, to fit into the mold they created for me.But I’m not that person anymore.I haven’t been for a long time.
Dustin’s gaze softens, and when he speaks, his voice is calm, steady, but there’s an intensity to it that makes me feel like he’s holding me together, even when I feel like I’m coming apart.“We weren’t a mistake,” he says firmly.“Loving is never a mistake.And you don’t owe them anything—not their version of your life, not their approval.You get to be who you are, not who they expect you to be.”
“I know,” I whisper, my voice shaky but resolute.“I know.”
Dustin’s hand squeezes mine again, settling me, reminding me that I’m not alone in this.That I’m back with my guys falling in love with them and they are loving me in return.
ChapterForty
Santos: How’s the concert?
Halsey: We’re dating an idol.
Santos: Yes we are, but how is it?
Halsey: It’s crowded, but I’m in the VIP area—a glorified room where you can watch from upstairs.
Santos: How was dinner?
Halsey: Are you bored?
Santos: Out of my skull.Why did you let him send Gavin to babysit me?
Halsey: He’s not that bad.
Santos: He brought a nurse and I can’t move or they’re on top of me trying to help me.
Halsey: Because you shouldn’t be moving.If we had left you on your own, you’d be in the gym trying to workout.
Santos: Blah.
Halsey: You need to take care of yourself.
