Page 103 of No Apologies
“I’m gonna need a drink for this. You boys sure you don’t want one?”
Colt exchanged a glance with Cash after they both declined. This was going to be bad. They’d known it going in so the question was, just how bad? The tension in the room persisted. Nobody spoke until they were all seated. Remy in his chair and the twins on the couch.
Remy took a long drink and then met each of their gazes, “I never, ever, would have left you if I’d thought there was any other way. You have to know that first. I… I didn’t have any other options or at least I didn’t think I did, not back then. I had to get away.”
Cash posed the question that Colt knew they’d both asked themselves a hundred times, “From us?”
“No. God no. What would make you think…” Remy cursed a blue streak, “Decker. Fuck. I should’ve known he’d blame you for that too but I didn’t think about it. I was a stupid, stupid kid.”
Remy took another long drink of his beer and then stared off into the distance as if he was having an internal debate. Colt frowned. Remy’s face was pale and he didn’t look at them when he started talking again.
“I left because of Mom.” He winced as if he’d only realized what he called her after it left his lips, “Chrissy.”
“What?” Colt tilted his head, unsure if he was asking for clarification that he had heard right, or wrong.
“I don’t understand.” Cash shook his head, “Chrissy loved you. Still does. You’re the only one of us she asks for when she’s even half lucid.”
“Yeah… She uh… Fuck… This is…” Remy stammered for another minute and then his voice trembled when he said, “She loved me a little too much.”
“Too much?” Cash asked even as Colt’s confusion tipped into understanding.
Something dark and dangerous flared inside of him. Anger. Pain. Rage. He wondered what it said about him that his brain had instantly filled in Remy’s statement with the sickest, most vile thing imaginable. It took Cash longer to get there but he saw it when he did. His twin paled noticeably and he shook his head again, horror lacing his words.
“No. No. That’s… no.”
“Cash.” Colt shot his twin a warning look to calm down.
Remy already looked on the verge of shutting down. If Cash tried to argue with him, he might run again. And Colt didn’t want that. He realized that all of his anger and resentment, all of it had stemmed from the belief that Remy had always had it easy and he’d still gotten out long before and far more easily than them.
Finding out that wasn’t true… Damn. Remy had far more fucked up issues than he did. He must. Because as damaging as Chrissy’s neglect had been it was preferable to what Remy had gone through.
“She… She hurt you?” Cash looked like he might be sick at the thought and Colt wasn’t far behind.
“I…yes. No.” Remy dropped his head into his hands, “I mean, she never raped me but… it was heading that direction. That’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t stay. I… I couldn’t.”
Colt’s throat felt tight but with Cash staring at their brother like he’d just grown a second head, he knew he had to say something, “You never told anyone?”
“Not at the time. No. I mean, who was I gonna tell that when I was sixteen my drugged out mom started wandering into my bedroom at night, confusing me for my dad and touching me? Decker?” Remy winced, “I had a front row seat for the abuse he leveled at you two whenever I couldn’t get in his way. He did that simply because you were born so I can only imagine what he’d have done to me if I told him she was coming into my bed at night. I was a teenage boy and he would have made it my fault.”
Colt’s stomach turned again because yeah, he thought the same thing. Decker would’ve blamed Remy. No doubt. He’d have mocked and scorned him. Beaten and maybe even killed him. And for the golden child that had seen it, had protected his little brothers from it but never experienced it himself, that must’ve been just as terrifying as a mother violating his innocence.
“I… I did the only thing I could.” Remy whispered, “I had to leave. If I’d stayed…” He shook his head violently, “I couldn’t stay and I couldn’t take you with me. You were only thirteen!”
Colt winced when his brother heaved a sob. He understood. Better than Remy could ever know. He understood what it was like to be helpless, to be hurt by the people that should’ve loved and protected you. He knew what it meant to be at your wits end, out of options and have to make the only choice you could. He’d done it when he’d accepted Lincoln’s offer. He’d done it to save Cash, sure, but he’d done it to save himself too.
He reached out and clapped his hand around Remy’s knee, “I get it.”
“No. I left you with those two…”
“You did what you had to do to save yourself.”
Remy shuddered again, “There wasn’t a second I didn’t think about you, didn’t worry about you. I… I figured you were safe from her even when you got older because you don’t look like him.” Remy swallowed audibly, “You were, weren’t you?”
“She never touched us.” Colt squeezed his knee reassuringly and Remy practically crumbled into himself, “She never even acknowledged us.”
“Thank God.” Remy dropped his head into his hands again.
Yeah, his brother had demons, just like him. Just like Cash. Different horrors but the same twisted, messed up history. And all because their parents were monsters.
