Page 67 of No Apologies
Chapter Thirteen
He had no idea how much time had passed. No clue how long he had been staring at the ceiling, watching his fan loop lazy circles in the dark. But no matter how tight he held Skylar, how deep she cuddled into him or how much he focused on her even, steady breathing, he knew that peace wouldn’t come.
Not tonight. Not sober. His demons were prowling and he could feel them just beneath his skin. They’d been scratching at the surface all day and nothing could quiet them now that Skylar had said those three awful amazing words.
Colt swallowed past the terror that tightened his throat. It was the fear that gripped him tight and wouldn’t let him go. If it had just been anger or doubt or self-loathing he could have dealt with that, he had a lifetime of experience with those, but this bone deep fear was new.
He’d grown up scared. He wasn’t the kind of man that lied to himself about that. He’d been scared of Decker and his drunk fists. He’d been scared of Chrissy and her confused ramblings. But even when he was a kid he hadn’t been scared for himself.
He’d worried about Cash. He’d worried about being big enough to protect him. He’d worried about being strong enough to stand in front of him. He’d been scared that he would let his twin down the same way everyone else that should have looked after him had let them both down.
Worrying about the people he loved was embedded in his DNA. Maybe he’d been born that way. He’d come out of the womb fighting and he hadn’t stopped since. His entire life he’d tried to take care of Cash, protect him, shield him, keep him safe.
But all of that worry, all of his fears, paled in comparison to the terror he felt when he thought about hurting Skylar.
She loved him. Fuck. How had he let this happen? And why did it send equal amounts of warmth and cold seeping into that giant hole inside of him that nothing had ever been able to fill?
She couldn’t love him. She just couldn’t. God knew she shouldn’t.
He was a mess. He was mean. He was rude and crude. He was violent. And some days, when he was feeling particularly on edge and his emotions were whipping through extremes he sometimes thought he was just as mentally damaged as his father claimed he was.
He wasn’t a smart man. He’d barely passed high school and he’d had neither the money nor the brains to pursue college. He wasn’t someone that would ever care about the economy or the politics that ran it. He couldn’t even hack half the intelligence it took to work one of those rigs that Skylar’s daddy ran.
The reminder that she was a Holland made his guts clench. If his last name was synonymous with trouble in their small hometown then hers rhymed with money, power and prestige. She came from a good family and he didn’t. She had options and he never had and never would. She was an angel and he was a born and bred hellion.
He wasn’t good enough for her. He knew that. He’d always known that. But even knowing that he might never be good enough for her, he wanted her.
She loved him and damn him to hell but he wanted her love. He wanted to keep her. He’d come to terms with that today when he saw her with another man and wanted to rip his heart out. Skylar was his. His shot at something better. He wanted to earn her love and have the chance for that someday that he dreamed about with her.
But it couldn’t be today.
Colt scrubbed a hand over his face and then slowly and carefully slipped out of the bed. He didn’t want to wake her. Not yet. Not until he figured out just how much he could tell her. Not until he found the words to explain that no matter how much he wanted her, his need to keep her safe trumped it.
He pulled a pair of clean boxers from the stack of laundry on his dresser and then silently slipped down the hallway. He’d never been so glad that Cash was out of town than he was when he got a glimpse of the apartment. His and Skylar’s clothes were littered all over the floor. He’d picked up Cash and Jemma’s more than once but he didn’t like the idea of his twin and Skylar’s best friend knowing what he’d done to her tonight.
The table was shoved against the wall and the memory of how roughly he’d taken Skylar against it made him a little sick. The way he’d crudely shoved her to her knees and demanded she suck him off had him wincing.
He’d fucked her. Rough. Hard. Used her body to fulfill his needs. And if he was honest with himself, he’d tried to scare her with just how much he wanted her. He’d tried to push her too far. He’d fallen off the cliff and he’d dragged her down with him like he’d sworn he would never do.
At least, that’s what he’d thought was happening right up until she responded to every touch with passion and desire. Until she’d begged him for more. Until she’d broken through all of his walls and destroyed everything he thought he knew about her, about him, about them.
She was his perfect match in every way. They might be complete opposites in some regards but in others they were exactly the same. When it came to their friends and family, to their hearts, they were both fighters. And really, when he thought about that, he knew that fighting each other was completely pointless.
They wanted the same things. Each other. Happiness. Peace. Freedom to be themselves. And to protect the people they loved.
She loved him. Maybe she’d admitted it in the heat of passion. Maybe she’d just known how badly he needed to hear her say it out loud. But he’d seen the truth of it in her eyes, felt it in her touch, in her kiss. She’d trusted him with her body and then she’d handed him her heart as well and he knew without a doubt that he didn’t deserve that kind of trust.
Because he would break it if he had to. If it meant protecting her, he would. He’d choose her life over her heart every time. She could live with a little heartbreak. Hell, she’d overcome so much already. She would get over it if he broke her heart. He might never survive it but he would choose her over himself. He only hoped it didn’t come to that.
Colt picked up their clothes and carried them back to the bedroom as quietly as he could. The shitty old apartment creaked with his every move but since Skylar lived next door he hoped she was used to sleeping through these kind of noises. He smiled when he saw that she hadn’t moved from where she’d curled up with his pillow when he left.
God she was beautiful and in his heart he knew that she was right where she was supposed to be. Her golden hair was spread across his pillow. Her pretty face peaceful in sleep. The blanket concealed her small body but just knowing she was naked in his sheets made his blood hot. Here, like this, it was impossible to deny that she was his and he didn’t want to.
From the moment he’d convinced her to talk to him last year, he’d known that this was inevitable. They’d known one another in school of course. It would have been impossible to miss the beautiful blond even if her constant trips to the hospital hadn’t been regular gossip fodder. But they’d never traveled in the same circles, not even when Jemma and Cash were dating. And after Cash broke Jemma’s heart, as her best friend, Skylar had gone out of her way to avoid them both.
When he’d first approached her, it had only been in an effort to smooth things over because he’d bought the space next to her salon. He’d told himself that they needed to at least be civil since they lived and worked next door to each other. But then he’d seen her for the first time, really seen her, close up, as a woman, and his body had betrayed him.
He’d wanted her right then and there, that first day on the street when she’d ripped into him for being an arrogant ass and a bullying bastard simultaneously. He’d been entranced by her feisty spirit and refusal to back down when he called her out for lumping him in with the rest of his family members. Looking back, he may have fallen in love with her right then and there.
