Page 39 of No Apologies
“A little.”
She bit her lip to stifle a whine. Colt hated drinking. He very rarely did it. His father was an alcoholic that had gotten drunk and beaten him and his brother repeatedly throughout their childhood. The only time she’d ever known Colt to pick up a bottle was when he was edging towards destruction. When the worst parts of his family, of his life, got to be too much he drank. He tried to drown the bad and forget for a little while but it never worked.
He only ended up hating himself too.
She’d seen it, more than once, though of course he’d tried to keep that from her too. He hated that part of his world, the darkness that came with his last name, and she hated that he had reached for a bottle tonight and she wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t called. He could have suffered and hurt in silence but instead he’d picked up the phone so she knew she had to tread lightly.
If she said the wrong thing, he’d hang up. He’d shut her out. And she wasn’t sure she could take that tonight.
“A little?”
“Yeah, just a little.” He blew out a breath, “I was feeling… alone.”
Her heart ached at the whispered confession. She wanted to get up and walk over to his apartment but she knew she couldn’t. This entire conversation was more intimate than he’d ever let her get. Still, that was so Colt to say that he felt alone, not lonely. Alone he could deal with but lonely wasn’t something he would ever admit.
“I get it. My apartment feels empty too.”
There was a long moment of silence and then he sighed, “Cash is gone. He never used to be gone and I hate it. I shouldn’t say that. I know he has Jemma and they’re happy and all but… fuck, I feel like I’m losing him and I hate it.”
If her heart hadn’t already been aching, it would have fallen to pieces right then. Colt was the talkative half of the twins. He could bluster and bullshit with the best of them but he rarely spoke about his family, even to her. Hearing that he missed his twin broke her heart. She couldn’t deal with Sad Colt.
He and Cash were a set, a pair. They did everything together. She knew enough of their horrible upbringing to know that neither of them would have survived if the other hadn’t had their back. It had only made them closer.
She missed Jemma and her friend had only been back in her life on a regular basis for a couple of months. Of course Colt would be feeling the same things she was only amplified by about a million. How had she not thought about how Cash moving forward with Jemma would feel for his twin? She’d chosen to be alone for the past few years, wanting to prove her independence. Colt had never been alone, not even in the womb, and it must have felt like abandonment even if he was happy for Cash.
“I’m glad he has Jem.” Colt continued, as if he knew what she was thinking, “She’s good for him, for both of us. I’m happy for them. I just… miss him I guess. Fuck, I sound like a goddamned baby. Ignore me. I’ll pass out as soon as I finish this bottle.”
She winced at that, “Do you want me to come over? I can. Then neither of us will have to be alone tonight.”
Nothing but silence greeted her and God that hurt. She wanted him to say yes. She wanted to go to him. She wanted this chance with him more than she wanted air to breathe. She wanted to be the one that made him feel not so alone but she knew she couldn’t force him to let her closer.
“Colt?” She finally prompted when he remained quiet.
“That’s not a good idea.”
She bit her lip, “Oh… okay.”
“Fuck, I… No. I appreciate the offer but no. Don’t come over here. I won’t be able to… I can’t. Just don’t.”
“Okay.” She repeated when he cursed on the other end.
“Skylar?”
“Yeah?”
She held her breath when he said her full name. There was something happening. Something she didn’t understand. Something she wished he would explain to her but knew that he wouldn’t even before he sighed again. She could imagine him shaking his head and grasping his liquor bottle again, convincing himself that it was a bad idea to invite her over for reasons she didn’t comprehend.
“You should get some sleep.” He finally cleared his throat.
“Okay.” She blew out the breath she’d been holding, “See you tomorrow?”
“For the tattoo. Yeah, I didn’t forget. See ya tomorrow.”
“Goodnight Colt.”
“Night Sky.”
The line went dead and she dropped the phone when a sob tore through her unexpectedly. She curled into a ball and tried to hold the tears back. She couldn’t even really explain to herself why she was crying. All she knew was that she felt alone too. More alone than she ever had in her life. And if she didn’t somehow convince Colt to let her in, she thought she might feel that way forever.
