Page 42 of No Fear
“Decker, he was always tough on them but after I left it got worse. I wasn’t there to stand in the way anymore. To get them out. I left them there with those monsters.”
“What happened to Colt and to Cash, Remy it wasn’t your fault. You had to get out. You had to save yourself. You can’t feel guilty for that.”
“Then why do I?”
“Because they’re your brothers and you love them.” She wiped at her cheek and he realized a tear had escaped. She was crying. For him. “You want to protect them because you’re a good brother, a good man, but you can’t change the past. All you can do is be there for them now and I think you’re doing a really good job of that.”
He wanted to haul her into his lap. He wanted to hug her and hold her tight. He wanted some of that innate goodness and understanding of hers to rub off on him. He wanted to believe that he deserved to have her sitting here, in his kitchen with him, but deserving her meant finishing this conversation and they weren’t done yet, not by a longshot.
“Rach…” He stroked his fingers over hers, “I’m not a good man. I’ve said and done things that hurt people. I killed people when I was in the Army, when I was deployed. I’ve been with more women than I can remember because I was too drunk or too high to care at the time and because the memories made it hurt too bad to be sober. I have scars. I’m damaged. I’m not perfect and I’m nowhere near good enough for you but if you’ll let me, I’ll be here for you, by your side, for as long as you want me there.”
He watched as Rachel chewed on her bottom lip. Someday soon they were going to have to talk about that. She had to stop doing that. He knew it was nothing more than a nervous tic but it did things to him. He wanted to be the one nibbling on the plump swell and he didn’t want her ravaging one of his favorite parts of her.
“I’m glad you told me.” She finally sighed, “I… I won’t say that knowing doesn’t change things. It does. It has to because it’s a part of you that I didn’t know before and the thing is… I-I want to know everything about you.”
“Whatever else you want to know, all you have to do is ask.”
She lowered her chin and a blush colored her cheeks, “You said there’ve been a lot of women…”
He winced at the question in her voice because somehow he hadn’t thought that would be the part of his story she questioned, “None like you. They were warm bodies at best. A way to forget for just a little while at worst. I used them and they used me but it’s not like that with you.” He tilted her chin back up so she would meet his gaze, “I care about you, Rachel. More than you know. More than I can say because I don’t want to scare you away.”
A flicker of a smile passed over her lips, “You’re not gonna scare me away.”
“You’re special to me and I don’t want to fuck this up but if you want to hear about the women that came before you, if you need to know anything about them, just know that they were space-holders until I found my way to you. It’s you. You’re it for me. You’ve been it for me since the moment I first saw you andnothing. Do you hear me?Nothing, is going to change that.”
Rachel stared at him for a long moment and then gave a short nod, as if she’d decided something, “Okay, well, I think you should know, since we’re being honest… you said there’ve been a lot of women but there haven’t been any for me. Well, not women, well, not them either but… men. I’ve never been with anyone.”
He blew out a rough breath, unsure of what it was he’d thought she intended to say. Whatever it was, it hadn’t been that. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that though. He couldn’t very well tell her that he’d guessed as much from the shy, innocent way she looked and acted or the fact that she’d told him she’d never been kissed. Since he didn’t know what to say he held himself completely still and waited for her to continue.
“What you went through…. I understand part of it but it wasn’t like that for me.” Rachel bit her lip and avoided his gaze, “It was and it wasn’t I guess.”
“Rach?” He prompted when she didn’t continue, “What does that mean?”
“It means that Craig isn’t the one that hurt me.” She admitted and then winced, “I mean, he did. He does. He’s abusive but he’s never tried to hurt me… that way. It isn’t sexual with him. He’s… He… He actually saved me from that.”
His throat felt tight, “He saved you from what, exactly?”
“Well, when I was sixteen, just a couple of months after my mom died and Craig came home…” Rachel dropped her gaze again, “I-I-I didn’t realize what bad news he was yet and I-I wanted to hang out with my big brother. So, one night, he had friends over and they were all drinking and I… There was this guy. One of Craig’s friends. He was… cute and… sweet. He got me a drink and then another and…” Rachel shook her head, “I don’t remember much after that and I-I-I didn’t put it together until later… that he’d put something in my drink. He… he drugged me and he… he tried to rape me. He held me down. He was on top of me but Craig came in and shoved him off. He saved me.”
Remy sucked in a harsh breath as pieces of the puzzle he’d had but couldn’t fit together before began to slide into place. She didn’t drink because someone had drugged her. She was scared of men because her brother abused her and his friend had tried to rape her. People she should have been able to trust had taken advantage of her so she didn’t trust anyone. She kept to herself because she didn’t feel safe and her isolation had made her even more fearful of being in crowds, around groups of men and in social situations. Rachel being here now, with him, searching him out last night, he realized for the first time just how meaningful it really was.
She’d come to him. She trusted him. She was with him and trusting him not just with her safety but with her truth. She was his, in every way, she just didn’t know it yet.
“That’s why you won’t tell me what he did, what he threatened you about.” He sighed when she only bit her lip, “You still feel beholden to Craig for what he did back then no matter how much he’s hurt you since.”
She dropped her gaze and he sighed. She didn’t say anything and he knew that she wouldn’t. She might be scared of her brother but he’d saved her from something terrible and she felt like she owed him. She was protecting Craig, for now, but someday she’d see that one right didn’t undo all of the wrong he’d done since.
Remy focused on the other person involved, the one she wouldn’t feel the need to protect, because he wanted to hit somebody for hurting his woman, “Who?”
“What?” Rachel blinked.
“Who was it, Rachel? Who was the friend that tried to rape you?”
She smiled softly, “He’s long gone, Remy. You don’t need to hurt him on my behalf. He’s not important.”
“I still want his name.”
“Giving you his name gives him more importance than I want him to have in my life.” She shook her head, “It’s something that happened to me and it’s something that altered my life forever even if Craig stopped him from…. I’ve never been with anyone else. That’s what I meant when I told you I’d never been kissed. I-I-I’m a virgin.”
