Page 84 of No Fear
Chapter Sixteen
They lay on their sides, staring at each other, neither of them speaking. They’d been that way for a long time. When Remy had woken up, the sun was setting and he’d rolled over to find Rachel in bed beside him, the blankets pulled up to her chin and her hands beneath her cheek. She’d looked so small and fragile that his first instinct had been to reach for her so he had. He’d laced their fingers together and then brought her hand to his mouth, kissing it gently.
But still she hadn’t spoken.
Her dark hair was tangled from sleep and from his hands. Her beautiful face was swollen and splotchy from all the tears. Her big, gray eyes were bloodshot and her bottom lip was ravaged as if she’d spent the hours he was asleep chewing it between her teeth. She must have gotten up at some point when he was sleeping because she was wearing one of his oversized shirts again which sent a possessive urge through him that was hard to shake.
He wanted to pull her into his arms. He wanted to hold her tight and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But since he couldn’t read what she was thinking in that beautiful head of hers, he simply held her hand and waited for her to work up the courage to say something.
He had no idea how long they lay there like that, fingers intertwined, gazes locked, before Rachel finally let out a rough breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them they looked wet again but she blinked, keeping the tears at bay. She squeezed his hand, as if she was afraid he would pull away when she spoke.
“I-I-I… I’m sorry.”
He winced at the stutter and squeezed her hand in return, “Shhh… there’s nothing to apologize for, baby.”
“B-b-but…”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I wish…” He sighed heavily and rolled up to his elbow so he could look down on her, “I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me but I get why you didn’t. You were scared. Youarescared. But you don’t have to be scared of losing me, Rach. That’s never gonna happen.”
Her chin wobbled, “I-I-I d-d-din’t know… know… about Colt.”
“I know. I believe you.”
“Y-y-you do?”
Her questions, her doubt, ripped at open wounds but it was the stutter that pierced his heart. She stammered when she was scared, when she was hurting, when she was nervous. She shouldn’t be any of those things with him. Ever.
“You’re mine, Rachel. You’re mine and I swore to myself when I came home that I would protect the people that I love, this time around. I’m going to protect you. From Lincoln. From Craig. From anything and anyone that would ever try to hurt you.”
“I-I-I… I don’t deserve you.”
Remy started to explain to her that it wasn’t about what they deserved but stopped himself short. He’d spent a lot of his life thinking he didn’t deserve to be happy, didn’t deserve to be loved, because of what had happened to him when he was a teenager. It hadn’t been his fault. Logically he knew that but it didn’t mean that the dirty, unclean feeling went away. It hadn’t. Not when he’d started drinking to black out. Not when he’d tried whatever drugs he could get his hands on. Not even when the Army had handed him a gun and made him fight for his own survival.
It hadn’t even gone away when he tried to screw his way into forgetting. Every touch of those nameless, faceless women had only made him feel worse. Being with them had never felt right and he’d always been left with the same queasy feeling that made him sick to his stomach when he was done with them.
Only Rachel had managed to wipe his slate clean. To take his history, his doubts and fears, and put him at ease. The first time she’d smiled at him, his stomach had flipped for all the right reasons and the first time he’d kissed her he’d felt nothing but sparks of nervous energy and need. She had done the impossible. She’d fixed him. And if he didn’t deserve her, all he could do was hope that one day he would.
He knew that telling her that she was wrong, that she did deserve him, wouldn’t change her way of thinking any more than it would have his. They were a lot alike in that respect. So used to being hurt that they always expected the worst. Rachel would have to see for herself that her fears were unfounded and that started here and now.
He shook his head, “Baby, if you’d told me from the start what Craig was threatening you about then I could have stopped him weeks ago. We wouldn’t have all of this hanging over us. You wouldn’t have needed to be scared anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” She sniffled, “I t-t-thought you’d… I thought you’d hate me.”
“We don’t get to choose our family, remember?”
Rachel’s entire face cringed as she squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.
“I… I should have told you.” Rachel wiped at her eyes and he sighed.
“Yeah, you should have.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.” He brushed a stray tear from the corner of her eye, “And I’m sorry that you’re in a position where you have to choose between my family and yours.”
“It shouldn’t have been so hard to choose. Not after everything he’s done. He hurts me. He has for years. He’s mean and cruel and abusive. He’s a criminal… I just… I…” She trailed off on a sniffle and Remy sighed.
“He’s still your brother.”
