Page 55 of Should've Been Us
She’d been there to watch, just like Derek had, as Connor and Kady’s mom had slowly started losing hermind.
Early onset Alzheimer’s the doctors had called it. She’d barely been in her forties. It had started out innocuously enough. Misplaced keys. Forgotten bills going unpaid. Her car running out of gas because she swore she’d filled it up the day before. But the progression had been fast and brutal and they’d ended up having to put her in a nursing facility within a year of thediagnosis.
With the loss of his beloved wife, who his father had decided was gone long before they put her in the ground, the old man had taken up drinking to deal with his loneliness. He might as well have gone to the facility with her as much attention as he’d paid to his children at thatpoint.
After that, Kady had come home and helped raise her little brother, making sure Connor finished school with decent enough grades to get into the Police Academy even as she’d worked herself to the bone night and day to finish her nursing degree. She’d been a natural mother figure even back then. Now, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would be the best mother on the face of the planet for those little girls she wascarrying.
Connor had only been a teenager when their mom had passed and he’d turned to his friends as much as his sister to get through the rough times. He’d all but moved in with Derek’s family for a while. And it was the only time in their lives that he could remember Lulu being there at his side without any attitude or snide remarks. In fact, his most vivid memory of the day his mother had died was that Lulu had simply sat beside him, holding his hand for what felt like hours, until the doctors came and told them that Kim Shaw wasgone.
He wondered if Lulu even remembered that, just as he sometimes wondered if that had been the day he fell in love with her. He’d never had a chance to ask her. Plus he worried that one of the best memories of that dark time was nothing more than a figment of his imagination and she’d tell him it had neverhappened.
“Lu?” He worked up the courage to speak and felt her answering hum against his chest, “Do you remember…. I mean…. The day my mom died, you were there,right?”
She rolled to her stomach instantly, propping her chin on her hand to look down at him from a better angle and her dark lashes blinked slowly, “Of course I was. Do you not remember? That’s a silly question, I’m sure that day was a blur for you and I wasn’t importantso…”
“No.” He stopped her with a shake of his head, “I remember. I… The thing I remembermostabout that day… isyou.”
“Me?” She lookedstartled.
“Everyone else was rushing around all over the place. Saying goodbyes and crying and making arrangements or just catching up with other family members. It was crazy and I felt like it was all happening around me, not so much to me, but in front of me, like in one of those movies where the character doesn’t move and the world just keeps rushing aroundhim.”
Lulu’s eyes looked suspiciously damp when she bit her lip and nodded, “I remember seeing you sitting there on that bench all by yourself and I thought maybe you wanted to be left alone but when I said I’d leave if you wanted me to, you told me tostay.”
“And you did.” His voice felt rough with emotions he hadn’t thought about in years, “You sat down beside me but you didn’t ask me questions or make me talk to you about it. You just slid your hand into mine and squeezed and then we just sat there for hours as the world spun out of control all around me. Your hand in mine. Feeling your reassuring warmth and your steady pulse. You got me through it. You groundedme.”
A drop of liquid hit his chest and Connor reached up, wiping at the tears that were slowly trickling down Lulu’s cheek. The girl that never cried. She cried for him now and he felt that swell of deep emotion in his chest all over again for the strength, kindness and compassion of this woman that he’d loved for solong.
“Shh, it’s okay.” He hushed, “I didn’t mean to make youcry.”
“I know, I just…” She sniffled a little and wiped at her cheek, “I remember that day and I remember feeling like nothing I could say to you was really going to help. Seeing it through your eyes, knowing that I did help in some small way… that I’m what you remember? It hits me right here,Con.”
She raised his hand to her chest, above her breast, just over her heart and he felt the slightly elevated rhythm. He stroked his thumb over the spot, basking in the way her pulse jumped at his touch. He wanted to tell her right then and there that he thought he’d fallen in love with her that day but for once, he kept the truth tohimself.
He hadn’t intended to get emotional with her. Not about this at least. And she’d gotten jumpy already when he asked her to move in with him. Admitting his love for her while they were naked and reminiscing didn’t seem like the besttime.
He took his hand back, bringing hers with it and kissing her knuckles gently before he pulled her back down beside him on the bed, “I just wanted you to know that I appreciated you then and I appreciate younow.”
“What do youmean?”
He sighed, trying to work out the words he wanted to say and put them in an order that made sense before he spoke, “I never really gave dating anyone a chance after high school. You know that. But, you don’t know why.” He felt Lulu tense a little and pulled her tighter, “The first reason is probably a little more obvious now. It was you. I always wanted you and nobody else could’ve come close so, why bother trying to make something work when I knew in my heart I’d secretly be waiting for a chance withyou?”
“Connor…” Her voice was soft and she squeezed hishand.
He continued before he lost his nerve “But there was a second reason too and it was because, I knew I’d have to explain my past to those people. Where was my mom? Was it really my dad that ended up in the drunk tank every few weeks? Why were Kady and I so involved in each others lives? And a million other things that I didn’t want to talk about. That I don’t like to talk aboutstill.”
Lulu squeezed his hand again but she seemed to sense he wasn’t done talking. She didn’t move in his embrace. He took a deep breath to finish what he wanted to say now that he’d brought up all of this past drama with hisfamily.
“It’s why I’m still friends with the same group of people I was when I was a kid. It’s why this, with you, seems like the most natural thing in the world to me. Because you already know about all the bad shit in my past and you were there for me through it. It was only ever going to be you for me, Lu. Only everyou.”
“Oh Connor…” Lulu hugged him tight and then kissed his chest, just above his heart, “I hate that you’ve had to deal with so much pain in your past but none of it was your fault and you shouldn’t have to carry thatbaggage.”
“But I do. They were my parents. They’re my past. Even if I don’t like to talk aboutthem.”
Lulu sat up, tears glistening in her eyes again and brushed his hair off his forehead, her voice was soft when she spoke again, “Then don’t focus on the past. There’s nothing for you there. Focus on the present. Focus on the here and the now… withme.”
“And the future?” He couldn’t help but ask as her dark eyes gleamed in themoonlight.
“I’ll be there for that too, as long as you want me at your side, holding your hand. I’ll be there,Connor.”
His heart fucking soared. It was the closest he’d come to an honest confession of her feelings for him and he knew then, that even though she was still holding back, that she was his. He didn’t bother to tell her that he wanted her by his side and holding his hand forever. She knew that already, somewhere in her subconscious, she knew that. And yet she’d said those words tohim.
So instead of declaring his intentions to move her in, marry her and make a family with her, he rose up and captured her mouth with his. He kissed her with every ounce of love that he’d kept bottled up inside of him for what felt like an eternity. Because that was what he wanted with her. Aneternity.
No matter how much time they’d wasted. No matter how many times he told himself that it should’ve been the two of them together over the last few years, he knew that now it was them. Together. Forever. This was only the beginning of their lovestory.
