Page 15 of Safe
“I like getting to say it.”
Trevor kissed him, softly, slowly, and Cruz melted even further against him. Until they were wrapped around each other. Until there was no space between them. Until they were one person. Moving together. With each other. Just the way it was supposed to be.
When Trevor finally pulled back, he did it with a groan, as if it pained him, and Cruz’s heart tripped in his chest. Those blue eyes met his, and he drowned in them, just like he always had. From the moment they’d met, he’d gotten lost in those blue eyes, and he didn’t want to ever find his way out, to find himself on the other side of that icy reserve, not ever again.
Trevor rubbed his thumb over Cruz’s bottom lip. “We should probably have that talk now.”
Serious. So serious. Cruz wanted to shake his head. He wanted to distract Trevor with more kisses and touches. He wanted his turn to learn every inch of Trevor’s body, to stake his claim and make him squirm. But the seriousness in those dazzling blue eyes, the hint of sadness he suddenly detected in Trevor’s voice, made him nod instead.
Whatever Trevor had to say, Cruz would figure out a way to make them work. Whatever the apprehension was in having this conversation, they could figure it out. They were together now. Right? Cruz swallowed hard and prayed he hadn’t completely misjudged this situation and this man.
“You said you love me,” he whispered softly, reminding them both, and Trevor’s eyes softened even further.
“I did. I do.” Trevor pressed their foreheads together. “I’m not breaking this off or breaking up with you or pushing you away or whatever the term is people use these days. I love you, Cruz.”
“I love you too.”
That made Trevor smile just a little. “You should know you’re the only man I’ve ever said that to, for starters. I don’t date. I can’t. I’m not out. I never even considered coming out, not since I was a kid, certainly not after I entered the league. Being gay wasn’t an option when I started out.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t. You really don’t.”
“Trev—”
“No.” Trevor cut him off with a no-nonsense tone. “Let me talk first, Cruz. Let me explain, and then, if you still have questions, you can ask them then. But let me talk first, please, or I’m not sure I’ll get the words out.”
Cruz bit his lip and nodded. He didn’t even want to argue. He wanted, needed, to hear everything Trevor had to say. He’d always wanted to know everything there was about him. He needed to know Trevor’s story, his past, so he could understand how he fit into his future.
“When I was a teenager, my twin brother came out to our parents.” Trevor’s voice faltered momentarily, but he regained his composure and continued. “He expected me to support him, stand up for him, stand with him, because he knew as well as I did he wasn’t the only one that was into guys. But I didn’t.”
Cruz slid a hand into Trevor’s and squeezed. Trevor squeezed in return. It was something. Cruz had a feeling this story was going to get worse before it got better. He knew enough to know the twins had only recently reconciled and reentered each other’s lives.
“Our parents…our father…he was homophobic. Hell, he was a homophobic, racist, women-should-be-in-the-kitchen asshole. I hated him but…”
“But he was your dad,” Cruz finished for him when Trevor blew out a rough breath.
“Yeah, he was my dad and he was the one who had put me on the path towards baseball, the one thing in the world I loved most. I couldn’t…I wouldn’t…risk it. I didn’t want to lose my chance at a life doing what I loved, and as a teenager, that’s all I saw when I looked at a future where I was openly gay. A life that couldn’t be lived in locker rooms. One where I was an outcast. A freak.”
Cruz winced at the harsh words but reminded himself it had been a different time. Trevor was older than him. Even now, being open about his sexuality wasn’t easy. There were teammates who made horribly inappropriate jokes. There were some who refused to change in the locker room with him. He was confident enough in his skill and who he was not to let it faze him too much, but Trevor hadn’t had the support system of an accepting family and friends like Cruz did.
“I hid my sexuality and I cut Trent out of my life. Maybe he cut me out of his too. I don’t know, but we didn’t talk for almost a decade. Letting him back in my life after he came out publicly to the world, it hasn’t been easy, but… I couldn’t turn my back on him again. I wouldn’t. Not this time.”
“I’m proud of you for that,” Cruz whispered though Trevor didn’t seem to hear him.
“The thing is, ever since Trent came out and we started talking, he’s been on my ass to man up and own my own shit. Not just my sexuality but my truth.”
“What’s your truth?”
Trevor reached out and brushed his hair back softly, a flicker of a smile across his lips, “I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be.”
Cruz felt a lump form in his throat. “What?”
“You’re on your way up, baby. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’re going to get called up soon. You know that right? You’ll be heading to the big show and leaving me and Texas and the Titans behind. The Skylines want you in Chicago. They’re just waiting for a spot in the line up to clear. Thomlin all but told me as much, Cruz. You’re going places. Big places. And I’m going the opposite direction.”
“But…”
“Don’t say it isn’t true.” Trevor gave him that stern look that froze him in place. “I had my chance. I didn’t make it. It’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it.”
