Page 43 of Imperfect Saint
She hadn’t been dreaming. It hadn’t been just another nightmare. It had all really happened.
She caught movement out of the corner of her eye and jerked upright. Her heart raced and it took her a second to orientate herself. She was in her childhood bedroom. She was in bed. The man sitting across from her wasn’t Joshua. She wasn’t in danger. She was safe because Hunter was here, with her, watching over her.
He looked worried though. His gold green eyes studied her intently from beneath his furrowed brow. His hair was disheveled, as if he’d run his hands through it a hundred times. Deep lines of concern framed his mouth, which was firmly pressed into a thin line. He looked tired but he wasn’t in bed with her. He was sitting on the bench beside the bed and he made no move towards her even though it was clear he’d been waiting for her to wake up.
It was such a small space between them, just a few feet, but in that moment, it felt like a canyon had split open between them.
It was her own fault. She knew that. She’d kept her secrets close and she’d hoped that Hunter wouldn’t find them out. She’d had no intention of telling him about the hell Joshua had put her through but it didn’t matter now. He knew because he’d seen it with his own eyes. He’d been forced to come to her rescue. He’d had to deal with her brother all but accusing him of being the one to hurt her.
After all he’d seen, all he’d heard and had to do, she supposed she shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t jumping to wrap her back in his arms. She assumed he was here, now, only for an explanation on what she’d been thinking walking them both into this situation without giving him a heads up. Her bottom lip trembled at the idea that soon enough the only place he would be walking was out the door and out of her life.
Millie dropped her head into her hands and felt a tear leak down her cheek. She was such an idiot. How had she thought this was all going to turn out? She’d known bringing Hunter here was a bad idea from the moment she set eyes on him outside her building. The fact that he’d said he had feelings for her, that she could so easily fall for his sweet words and passionate kisses didn’t change anything. She was still a mess and now that he knew the truth, he couldn’t possibly still think she was perfect. The thought of losing Hunter hurt worse than her cheek but she tried to keep the tears at bay and hold it together so that he wouldn’t think she was more pathetic than he already must.
“Hey.” The bed shifted under Hunter’s weight a moment before he gently put his hands over hers and pried them away from her face, “Hey, don’t do that. Don’t hide from me, Mills.”
She stared at him from watery eyes, “I’m so sorry.”
“Shh.” He whispered, releasing one of her hands so he could use his to swipe tears from her cheek, “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I-I do.” She argued, “I owe you an explanation.
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“I do, though. You’re here because Lemon asked you to do me a favor and I didn’t tell you-“
“Millie.” He cut her off, raising his voice above a whisper for the first time, “Look at me.” He waited until she hesitantly raised her eyes to his before he softly stroked her hair back and leaned forward. He looked her right in the eyes when he said, “I’m not here because of Lemon. I’m here because you’re here, and because I want to be wherever you are. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”
Her eyes flooded with tears again and she threw herself into his arms before she could second-guess herself. He wasn’t looking at her like he was disappointed. He still looked at her like she was special and important and it tore her chest wide open. His words, the way he looked at her and touched her so gently, it reached somewhere deep down inside of her that she’d thought would be empty forever. Hunter caught her, just as she’d known he would, and he hugged her to his chest as she marveled at the fact that this amazing, kind, handsome, protective man still wanted her.
“Hunter.” She whispered against his chest.
“Shh.” He whispered again, brushing her hair back as he kept her cuddled in his arms, her head against his chest, “I told you. You don’t owe me an explanation, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here. It doesn’t have to be right now. It doesn’t have to be anytime soon. I don’t plan on going anywhere, babe. We’ve got all the time in the world. Remember?”
Millie nodded against his chest. She wanted, desperately, to take the easy way out he was giving her. She wanted to let him hold her. She wanted to let him put her back together. But she knew that until she came clean, the truth would always be standing between them. She hadn’t lied to him, per se, but she’d omitted things, big things, and she couldn’t imagine them moving forward, together, the way she wanted them to, if she didn’t confess what she’d been hiding from him and from all the people in her life that loved her.
Did Hunter love her? She wasn’t sure. He’d told Joshua that he did, but that had been in the heat of the moment. Did he love her for real, though? And if he did, would he still after she told him about her past? There was only one way to find out.
“I met Joshua when I was too young to even remember my life without him in it.” She swallowed past the knot in her throat and let Hunter pull her into his lap. She spoke from her space beneath his chin. This place, with him, felt safe, so she mustered all her courage and let go of everything she’d been holding in for years. “I was half in love with him before I ever really knew him, or myself for that matter. He was my brother’s best friend and I wanted his attention so bad, that when he gave it to me, I never stopped to think that having it was more of a curse than a dream come true.”
Hunter stroked her back reassuringly, “Was he always abusive?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. That’s the thing, I don’t know. I don’t even remember. He was always pushing me to be better, to want more, to be the girl he wanted me to be. It was mostly just verbal at first. He wore me down until I felt like I couldn’t make a single choice without having his input. If I didn’t agree with him, he made me feel stupid so, I agreed with him, about everything. It was easier that way and I was young. God, I was so, so young. I didn’t realize that relationships were supposed to be different than what we had. It took me a long time, way too long, to realize he didn’t want me, that he wanted a puppet he could manipulate.”
Another tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away. Hunter kissed the top of her head. He was so warm and strong. She knew that a lot of people would wonder why he didn’t scare her after what Joshua had done, but those people didn’t understand. It wasn’t about being big. It wasn’t about brute strength or muscle mass. It was about what was on the inside and she knew, instinctively, that the protective streak that guided everything Hunter did meant that he could never, ever, hurt her the way Joshua had.
She let out a shaky breath, “The first time he hit me, it was like he’d snapped. It really seemed like an out of body experience. It happened so fast and he apologized immediately. He hugged me and told me he was sorry and that he would never do it again. He swore he hadn’t meant for it to happen. He said he’d only lashed out because I’d made him so mad. It was my fault.”
“It was never your fault.” Hunter’s voice was low and gravelly.
“I know that now but then…” She shook her head, “I believed him. I believed everything he said. He was it for me, my whole world. He’d made sure of that. So when it happened again, and again, I knew it was wrong but I didn’t know how to make him stop. His family and mine, they’d planned for us to be together all our lives and leaving him, giving up on him, it felt like I’d be letting all of them down if I couldn’t make it work with him. Every time it happened it only made me more certain that I had to try harder to be the girl he wanted me to be, the girl they all wanted me to be.”
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry you felt like you didn’t have anyone to talk to.” Hunter hugged her tight when her voice cracked.
“Abusers do that. I know that now. When I finally left him, I went to counseling. I read the books. I know now that what Joshua and I had was never love. Not for him at least. It was about possession and manipulation. Sociopaths don’t love, they control. I realized after just how bad things had been, hindsight being 20/20 and all, but I also knew that it could have been a lot worse for me. Some women never get away from their abusers.”
“Don’t discount your pain because someone else might have had it worse, Millie. Don’t do that. It’s not a competition for God’s sake.”
“I know. I’m just trying to tell you the whole story. I’m trying to tell you that even after I left Joshua, it was hard to face up to what I’d let him do to me all those years. I was embarrassed and I was angry and I was humiliated. I didn’t want my family to find out. Joshua had convinced me that even if I told Dad or Colin that they wouldn’t believe me, eventually he convinced me that they already knew, and that they just didn’t care.”
