Page 2 of Impulsive Saint
She knew, logically, that she was having a panic attack. It wasn’t the first she’d suffered through. She’d been having them, ironically enough, ever since she found her mother on the floor of the bathroom when she was eight. But this was definitely the most debilitating episode she’d ever experienced.
She pulled at the top of the dress to get it away from her neck but it didn’t loosen and she found herself coughing and gagging. She stumbled her way to a wastebasket in the corner and fell to her knees. She dry-heaved until she felt lightheaded. It felt like it lasted an eternity, like she’d pass out, die maybe, and that thought was scary but it was only made more terrifying because some small voice inside of her said maybe that was for the best, maybe death would be better than walking down that aisle.
And that was when she knew, with one hundred percent certainty, that she couldn’t marry Aaron.
She couldn’t walk down the same dead-end road her mother had walked already knowing how it would all turn out. Knowing that something inside of her truly believed dying was a better alternative to becoming the perfect politician’s wife. She couldn’t marry Aaron knowing full well that she would regret it, knowing that it could end only in disaster.
For weeks now, as they made last-minute wedding plans, she’d chalked her doubts up to cold feet. Secretly though, she’d known that it was more than that. Cold feet didn’t start the moment Mr. Right put a gigantic diamond on a girl’s finger and if she was being honest with herself, she’d had her doubts even then. Ashtyn couldn’t deny the truth even a moment longer.
She and Aaron weren’t right for each other. She didn’t think they were even in love. Not anymore. Not for a long time. They were both just going through the motions, doing what their families expected of them. But she couldn’t do it anymore. Not to Aaron and not even for Aaron.
She couldn’t get married today.
Almost as soon as she decided that she had to call the whole thing off, the panic attack abated. She sucked in deep breaths of cool air. Her vision returned slowly and when she glanced back at herself in the mirror, she knew that she was making the right choice.
Her skin was splotchy and red. Tears had rolled down her face as she struggled for air, leaving black streaks of mascara across her cheeks. Her veil was crooked and her hair was falling out of the pins the professional stylist had put in only a few hours ago.
She was a mess and looking at herself in that mirror, she knew what she had to do.
A knock sounded on the door of the bridal suite and she jumped, covering her mouth to stifle a shriek. No. No, no, no. It wasn’t time. They couldn’t be here for her already.
She was in no condition to deal with her father, or even her stepmother. They’d both chastise her for ruining her hair and makeup and dismiss her worries as cold feet. They would drag her down that aisle if they had to just to save face in front of all their important guests. Neither of them would understand a world where Ashtyn and Aaron didn’t end up together because that had always been the plan.
The door cracked open hesitantly, “Ash?”
Her breath whooshed out in relief and she pushed to her feet. She grabbed the dainty wrist her best friend had poked through to wave at her. Kelsey tripped a little on her bridesmaid dress as she stumbled into the room. Ashtyn slammed the door behind her and then turned back to find that Kelsey was smoothing her own dress back into place and hadn’t even looked at her yet. She wouldn’t be acting so serene if she had.
“Geez, I nearly fell on my face. I wasn’t going to open the door wide enough for anyone to see in. Calm down.”
“Kelsey.” She ignored her friend’s words, whispering just loud enough to make her friend glance up and as soon as Kelsey’s eyes settled on her they went wide.
“Oh my God. Ash. What happened?” Kelsey looked around the room, searching for the source of whatever had turned her into this chaotic mess of a girl but there was no monster lurking in the shadows. The monster was Ashtyn and it had been hiding inside of her for years. “Who ruined your hair and makeup? Did someone come in here? Was it Aaron? Your dad? Are you okay?”
“Kelsey, stop.” She grabbed her friend’s hands when she reached out for her and held her tight, “I need you to listen to me right now.”
“Okay.” Kelsey was looking more and more unnerved by the second.
“You were right. I can’t do it.”
Kelsey’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head, “I was right? About what?”
“You know what I’m talking about, Aaron…I can’t marry him.”
“Oh shitballs.” Kelsey used her most colorful curse when she started shaking her head, “No. Just no. You told me you were happy with him. I said I only wanted you to be happy and you assured me, repeatedly I might add, that you would be happy being married to him. When I left you earlier, you were fine! You were more than fine. You were happy!”
“See, that’s the thing though, I wasn’t.” Ashtyn admitted, “I was lying. Lying to you and to myself.”
“No.” Kelsey said again, “No. You can’t do this, Ash. You can’t do this just because I don’t like the guy. Please, God, tell me that’s not what this is about. You’re not rethinking things just because I said he was the safe choice, right? Because you know me. I was being dramatic and bitchy and… and… exaggerating, obviously.”
The truth was, she couldn’t honestly tell Kelsey that her words hadn’t shaken an already crumbling foundation. Not when Kelsey had told her at least a million times over the years that she and Aaron were a terrible match. Kelsey didn’t like Aaron very much. She thought he was condescending and rude and that he walked funny because he had a stick up his ass. The two of them had never gotten along and Ashtyn had grown accustomed to playing middle-man in their arguments. So no, it shouldn’t have really phased her when her best friend asked her if she was sure she really wanted to get married today or if Aaron was just the safe choice... but it had.
After she’d lied and told Kelsey she was fine and just needed some space and time to prepare herself, the words had played on repeat in her head. Kelsey’s words, her doubts, her warnings, they’d brought up the memories of Delisa’s suicide attempt. They’d made Ashtyn really stop and think about the life that would be waiting for her at the end of that aisle. It had been Kelsey’s words that set her epiphany in motion but they weren’t what had changed her mind about the wedding.
She’d come to that decision all on her own and she knew it was the right one. How could it not be? The panic attack had stopped when she admitted she didn’t want to do this. For the first time in months she didn’t feel nauseous or dizzy. Her gut didn’t roil with anxiety. She had finally listened to her heart and her head, both of which had been screaming at her to not go through with this wedding, and she’d come to the only conclusion that she could.
“The why doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can’t marry him today, or any day.”
“Ashtyn.” Kelsey was still shaking her head with something akin to disbelief mixed with panic written all over her pretty face.
